Last year after a heart wrenching 10 days on my first overseas missions trip in the Dominican Republic, I went through a mild state of ceaseless crying and homesickness. I contemplated dropping out of college and moving back in with my parents. I instant messaged my dad saying "I love you" and with what little he knows about technology, he replied "me too". And I wept. I felt so far. Far from God. Far from dad and mom. Far from Kelly. Far from people who loved me and babied me. I was also coming more to grips with pathetic self-esteem after my confession that turned into a rejection. A broken car. A new roommate. A major I hated.
I still need closure. Memories of the two years I spent as a pilot still haunt me like a nightmare. The gossip. The accident. The night flight. The landings. The ground classes. The safety reports, hah.. The flight to evansville airport. I made so many mistakes. It was hard to look at myself.
Now I am back in the same room after a year and another spring break trip. I had a spontaneous trip to Chicago for two days right after I came back from the St. Louis missions trip. It was hard to leave, but not as hard as one year ago. Where I bawled and said I didn't want to go back [to Carbondale]. I cried while driving back, actually leaving several hours later than I planned. I prayed out loud to God until I felt like I lost my voice.. asking Him to help my heart. Oh Lord, I take pity on the person I was a year ago for the things I was feeling.
This spring break at City Lights was breathtakingly amazing. It was basically a week of manual labor and full on God through serving eyes. This post will not do it justice. After my first two days of laboring, I was frustrated and I felt so spiritually dry. I said to myself, I hope I won't have to do this kind of work in my future. While I was raking in the beating sun for 6 hours, I realized that the work I was doing was comparable to work I might do to get paid. Instead, I was giving money to work.. Having felt prompted with the song lyrics in my mind "I will go. Lord, send me. I will follow you.." A question protruding before all other thoughts "Will you really?" I was shocked by my own ugliness and I answered in my heart "Yes, my Lord Jesus. Yes!" Because you are the best thing for me.
My call to commitment:
Lord, help me say Yes to you everyday.
