Nightmare awake

I wonder if this is what's meant to be for the rest of my life, living in white culture, being different, being a minority, being extra sensitive to certain things.

I feel like I'm witnessing a murder in a busy hall and I'm screaming and no one is looking, no one is stopping, no one is responding, no one is doing anything. They don't see it. They claim they can't because they're different. No one sees anything. It's like I'm screaming in an empty room of people. I feel like the one getting murdered. People I know, people I love are just walking by and going on their way. God, right now, at this temporary moment, I hate this people. I hate this people that I am a part of. I hate it. I hate it. How can they

Lord, my heart is pestered, my heart is annoyed, my heart is sad.

There was a girl who said something unintentionally incredibly offensive and racist and so freaking ignorant I wanted to call her out on what the freakin crap bullpoop freak poop she was saying. God, there was so much freakin damn ignorance. But I am no judge. I look back at myself and my transgressions, how can I keep angry? how can I ask for justice? What ignorance for me to speak of justice.

girls. girls. girls. girls. girls. Why, Lord? Why are we this way? So full of ourselves, so ignorant, so obnoxious, so pathetic? Why are we so far from your image?

All the time in the world

If I had all the time in the world, I would write each of my friends a book about how special they were and how loved they were by God. If I had to point at what my heart loves most, it's either babies or trying to take pain away from people. When I was really young I used to think a lot, because I was alone a lot. I used to think about people who were in the hospitals, people in opposite parts of the earth and how they might be hurting right now and at that moment. How one person might be experiencing an unimaginable amount of pain. I didn't know God yet, but I prayed that some of that person's pain could be relieved onto me. Whoever it was, so that the person might hurt less. Then I thought, today might be someone's birthday. Today might be someone's happiest day of life; today might be someone else's most painful day. I prayed that something would help the hurting people. And when I hurt, when I had stomach aches which brought tears to my eyes, I wondered if that was what I had asked. 'Am I relieving someone else's pain?'

Lord, renew my heart and let me overflow with Jesus.