Trap #2: Rumination

Dwelling and brooding in loss or in failure. Interpreting neutral events in a negative light.

Every year around this time of support-raising, my old friend visits me. But he is no longer my friend. When my insecurities are raised, my flesh ripped raw, he comes, he preys, and he attacks.

<<Sleeping on my parents' couch, begging people for money, pursuing a hopeless dream, involved in a cult called Christianity.>>

I was about to sleep, again on my parents' couch, when my parents came home from gambling. They turned on all the lights and start bickering. My mom speaks 'gently' to me, and turns to my dad and yells at him.

It's like I'm in highschool again. It's like I'm 5-years-old again, plugging my ears so I don't hear the words they say. Running into my room, locking the door, hoping they would forget about me and move along.

I go into the closet room, close the door, and lay on the ground. My mom starts crying and tells me that I am killing her. "Why can't you just be good and sleep on the couch?"

<<she doesn't care about you. she just wants to feel better about herself. you're making her feel bad and she just wants to feel better. she's playing the victim>>

I hate being home. It's not the building. It's not really my parents either. I start to loathe existing. Nothing is enough. After everything, we come back to the same place. I am so tired. God what do you want from me?

In Jesus' name, the truth dwells in me and everything else dissipates.

<<I want to run away. I want to leave this place.>>

In Jesus' name, the storms are calmed and the waves are stilled.

<<God, I am so weary, so tired. I feel utterly worthless, unlovable, and spent. I am all spent. I can't believe that any good can possibly come from me.>>

In Jesus' name, LORD, you hold me tight and you wrap me in your grace. You speak tenderly to me, "You are my daughter. You are meant to resemble me."

Sheep Among Wolves

I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.

Helpless, vulnerable, and in need of protection. We are the sheep sent out among wolves. 

Yesterday, some new friends at a small group bible study were getting to know me and they asked me about my family. I recounted the story of my mom coming to faith. At first there were years of invitation from me and my sister. Later came a strong conviction for prayer and intercession. At one point, our family doctor who is possibly the most popular doctor in the Chicago Chinatown area volunteered at my high school fellowship, teaching sunday schools and speaking at our youth retreats in Lake Geneva, WI. It was pretty cool. Dr. W took his faith seriously, and we could all see it. Later, I went away for college, but I kept in touch with Dr. W because I would attend Sunday School when I was back, but also because he and his wife supported me financially when I went on missions trips to the Dominican Republic and to St. Louis while I was a college student. Because they invested in my spiritual life, I was able to update them on my spiritual life, and how much I was growing in my faith in college. 

Dr. W was my family doctor for as long as I can remember. My mom would go into his clinic, and they would get into conversations about me. Dr. W really bridged the gap I couldn't reach because of language and relationship barrier. He encouraged my mom to encounter God for herself if she really saw something different in my life and my sister's life (because we were Christians). After many invitations, she told him, "I will go to church this sunday if Tori comes home." Of course she didn't tell me, but Dr. W emailed me shortly after. You bet your ass, I drove home that weekend and the following weekend. Even my sister came home from Milwaukee to go to church with my mom. At some point, we knew we were the crutches that she'd need to walk without if this was real. She continued to go to church on and off even without us. Months later, I attended an outreach event at our sister church with my mom. In a room full of elderly people, I remember being so grumpy that I got dragged into coming to this Chinese Opera outreach. It was actually really cool, the famous Opera singers wrote the gospel of Jesus in Chinese Opera style. They shared their testimonies and preached the gospel for a while. At the end, they made a call, and I did not expect it at all, but my mom was the first one to stand up. "I knew it was my time. Nothing was going to stop me." Slowly, it's been almost 4 years since then, and I've seen my mom grow. I've seen my mom let go of her chains. I've seen my mom falter and take steps back. I've seen her really try. This is a miracle. 

Family is the most important. So many 1st/ 2nd generation immigrant children want so desperately for their parents to know Jesus. We're taught to give each other the best. There is nothing better than entering into Jesus' kingdom that we can ever offer to others. 

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Living back at home has been difficult. Very randomly my dad might bring up his fears and discontent with my career + education choices. It's a youthful passion that will get put out by the cold reality of our world. Then I will have nothing but my old age and my regrets. He doesn't want that for me. I see the sadness in his eyes, and I am saddened by his sad eyes.

I told my dad how much I got paid for the first time a few days ago. I think that really shocked him, how little I got paid. They expected so much out of me. They saw so much potential in me. They thought I was going to do great things they never could have done themselves. Sometimes this inability to please my parents cause me to feel like a huge failure. "I am a child who is just messing around unless I can financially provide for my parents." Will I always be a fool in my parents' eyes? Will I always be a source of worry and disappointment? 

Now, I am support-raising again. $30k more with 2 weeks left in Chicago before my big move. So full of emotions. Many friends no longer respond to my messages. I think some people have blocked me even. I become so overjoyed if someone even wants to give $50/month. Then I really feel like a fool. Why am I so happy over this, when I can be working at almost any job and be earning 4k or 5k/month? Why do I live this lifestyle?

It's really hard to follow God sometimes. He calls us to be sent out like sheep among wolves in different ways. The way for me right now, is by needing and depending on others. Is by being vulnerable of rejection, vulnerable to shame and abandonment. This calling comes with great costs: friendships, comfortability, respect, honor, dignity... but at the same time it comes with great blessings: spiritual family, security in Jesus, dignity in my shame, honor in my suffering. Sharing in God's inheritance sometimes includes sharing the weight of the crown of thorns.

Then I am reminded of the story of my mom coming to faith. So much of it had to do with support-raising that I was able to share my life with Dr. W, and Dr. W was able to witness to my mom. I've gotten so much more out of support-raising than funds and money. God is very good to me. He always has been. He knows my needs before I know them. He protects me and he heals my wounds. He satisfies all my needs. 

-sheep among wolves

Someone Greater

I remember when I was much younger, before I started going to church, or maybe around the time I started going, I told Kelly, "You know how some people feel like they are the main character, and they want to be the leader? I don't. I just have this feeling like there is supposed to be or going to be someone bigger than me, and I am supposed to help them." The words were surprising to myself, an ambitious, prideful, arrogant, capable, hard-working, feminist. For a long time, and even sometimes in the present times, I interpret that feeling as if I am supposed to be side-kick to someone, or secretary or assistant or something. But these past years, I discovered that person who is bigger than me, is actually Jesus. I am supposed to help him, stand by him, let the spotlight shine on him... through all my efforts, through all I can offer.

But Jesus is unlike any other leader. Being his follower means everyone plays a role, every serves a purpose. No one gets to sit out in the game and watch in passive participation. Sometimes the call looks different from our original interpretations, different from anything we've ever witnessed, so it's not always possible to predict what God's next thing is.

So here I am. I am deeply afraid, as I face my path. It is as if I am staring into the ocean. It's massiveness. It's power, stillness, and all-encompassing nature. It's character to pacify, to engulf, to consume, to destroy.

In less than four-weeks, I will be moving to southern California. In nine-weeks, I will start seminary for my Divinity program. My parents are still afraid for me. My dad thinks I am living out a youthful passion whose fire will be put out by the cold reality of our world in a matter of time.

I deeply long for the approval of my friends, family, and frankly, even strangers. But, I can't live for them. I can't live my life for them, to please every opinion. What are my principles? What are my non-negotiable values that make me, me? Sorry, ma. Sorry, daede. I will still love you and honor you and try my best to take care of you, but I can't live out this dream you have for me right now.

People can give me thousands of different paths to go down, but at the end the invitation I receive from God is: Tori, you can choose where we go next.

There are obstacles in our way, but Abba you split the sea so I can walk right through it. My fears are drowned by perfect love. You rescued me, and I will stand and sing, "I am a child of God."

Let's go, Abba. Let's go to California.

Left in Draft: Wedding Bliss

Some of my closest friends in college are getting married. I never quite wrestled with this type of loneliness and feeling left behind. It is completely appropriate love, but for the first time I didn't know what to do with myself. The scene is one I've often experienced. Third-wheeling, fifth-wheeling, sometimes even seventh-wheeling. But for the first time recently, it felt different. It feels like my friends moved on and didn't seem to notice that our friendship is gone.

We were walking through town on a hot day. The couples were in marriage bliss, pecking, hand-holding, whispering into each other's ear, and eskimo-kissing. I walked alone, very aware that everyone else is infatuated with his or her respective bae. My friends were so satisfied with each other's company, that my presence there, frankly, did not matter. And honestly, I wished I was not there. I had not felt so out of place in a long time. But I love my friends and their companions. I am deeply happy for my friends in commitments and relationships. I don't want them to pity me or walk on eggshells around me. I don't think they have to either.

I saw one of my best friends getting married. It was the most thoughtful wedding I have ever seen. These past years, I've felt a mixture of happiness, anger, and sadness about these friendships. I saw him meet and fall for his bride. I saw him move away from our college town and start afresh. I saw him say his vows to her, promising to love her and push her to her best potential. I love my friend and his bride. I also feel this relationship changing. As much as we deny it, as much as we say otherwise, I'm afraid that despite what I want or what my friends want, our paths don't overlap like they used to. Where we were once best friends, brother and sister, I'm afraid I'm just going to be a friend, a memory from college, a photo in a wedding album they'll flip through years from now. I'm afraid that as my friends pair off and no longer need me and no longer notice I am out of their lives, I will have no one. I am afraid that despite my best efforts to be loveable, everyone will leave once they've found someone better. This does not urge me to date or pair off myself. I just feel sad. I have to remind myself that I am worthy of love and friendship. There is very little that I do or say that causes people to love me. They love me simply because I am me, all the flaws and strengths. I have to remind myself to be grateful for the seasons we have with people. I have to remind myself to let love come and to let love go. I have to remind myself to trust God who is the most brilliant writer I know to write my story whatever it may look like. I cannot take the pen from Him, lol.

Wedding season has caused me to contemplate the thought of dating, too. How fun! How great it could be to have some love that is tangible and right there. As much as I love 'love,' as much as I would love the idea of being a wife, a mother, or even a bad-ass grandma, I don't want to convince myself that satisfaction, joy, and life comes from another person. I'm sure some of those things would come from people, but sometimes we use relationships as illusions of satisfaction. In the end, we come to face the inescapable reality that satisfaction comes from Jesus alone. Maybe one day this could be in God's plans for me, but I'm happy where God has me today.

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In the past year, I have left most of my thoughts in unpublished drafts. I'm starting to muster the courage to share them again.. raw, emotional, fluid, me.

I miss writing. I miss hearing my thoughts, as untrained or ineloquent they may be. I like my voice.