Struggling with financial stuff, and I just had an amazing week with God in the upper peninsula of Michigan. Lots of brokenness got brought out of me that I didn't even realize was still there and still so strong.
Give with love and intentions. I could be selfish and unreasonable and bitter and say some bad stuff. Blame failing my oral exam because I took it when I knew I wasn't ready, I took it so I could be done and so I could go to MI. But it was entirely my fault. I should have managed my time better. I should have went at my own pace even if that is slower. God's been so good and so faithful.
We drove my car from Carbondale to Chicago and then to MI. Chicago to MI was about 10-11 hour drive because of picking people up and stopping because my car was so old. Right now, I think my car is broken. The pedals were really worn out when we got back and I felt something scraping a hard surface every time I touched the pedals. Creepy stuff. And everyone underpaid with gas. I was bitter about it. If I didn't go, everyone in my car probably couldn't have made it. Yet they didn't pay me enough. My car is in such a bad condition right now, yet they didn't even pay me enough for gas. but God, I am even more angry at my bitterness. I could have been stern about it and said, hey you're all paying wayy less than you're supposed. I could call each of them right now to pay me extra, but that feels so wrong and ridiculous.
I should be way less bitter. I'll assume they had better judgement to know what they gave wasn't enough. I'll assume that they need the money more than I do, even though it doesn't seem like that right now. In the end, my life is still good.
I'm not sure if I'll pass my exam when I get back to Carbondale, I just lost a lot of confidence in that and I haven't gotten to study a lot last week. I'm not sure if I'll have to take that class over. I'm not sure at all if my parents can afford the extra hours I've taken for flight because of my inadequacy and mess-up's. I'm not sure if I can even last after sophomore year because I'd have used up my academic scholarship.. not so smart. Ah.. but even if I fail this class and take it again, even if I have to stop school after next year, God is still here. That doesn't mean I won't try my best, but God's sovereignty will always rule my life no matter what my mess-up's, failures, choices, etc. So glad my God is stronger than all my faults and failures. So glad.
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