Trap #2: Rumination

Dwelling and brooding in loss or in failure. Interpreting neutral events in a negative light.

Every year around this time of support-raising, my old friend visits me. But he is no longer my friend. When my insecurities are raised, my flesh ripped raw, he comes, he preys, and he attacks.

<<Sleeping on my parents' couch, begging people for money, pursuing a hopeless dream, involved in a cult called Christianity.>>

I was about to sleep, again on my parents' couch, when my parents came home from gambling. They turned on all the lights and start bickering. My mom speaks 'gently' to me, and turns to my dad and yells at him.

It's like I'm in highschool again. It's like I'm 5-years-old again, plugging my ears so I don't hear the words they say. Running into my room, locking the door, hoping they would forget about me and move along.

I go into the closet room, close the door, and lay on the ground. My mom starts crying and tells me that I am killing her. "Why can't you just be good and sleep on the couch?"

<<she doesn't care about you. she just wants to feel better about herself. you're making her feel bad and she just wants to feel better. she's playing the victim>>

I hate being home. It's not the building. It's not really my parents either. I start to loathe existing. Nothing is enough. After everything, we come back to the same place. I am so tired. God what do you want from me?

In Jesus' name, the truth dwells in me and everything else dissipates.

<<I want to run away. I want to leave this place.>>

In Jesus' name, the storms are calmed and the waves are stilled.

<<God, I am so weary, so tired. I feel utterly worthless, unlovable, and spent. I am all spent. I can't believe that any good can possibly come from me.>>

In Jesus' name, LORD, you hold me tight and you wrap me in your grace. You speak tenderly to me, "You are my daughter. You are meant to resemble me."

Visit from an Old Friend

It's been a while since I saw my old friend. Not much has changed, but at the same time, a lot has. I had almost forgotten. It's been a while. You've seen me back in old routines. You've seen me back, cornered in the same place. You've seen me back, alone and sad. It's been a while since I saw my old friend. Although my body tires, my soul can't find rest. Old friend, how long is your stay, or are you just passing by?

God, my God. Abba, my Abba. Lord, my Lord. My old friend is back, and she is not my friend.

Lord, my heart is pestered, my heart is annoyed, my heart is sad.

There was a girl who said something unintentionally incredibly offensive and racist and so freaking ignorant I wanted to call her out on what the freakin crap bullpoop freak poop she was saying. God, there was so much freakin damn ignorance. But I am no judge. I look back at myself and my transgressions, how can I keep angry? how can I ask for justice? What ignorance for me to speak of justice.

girls. girls. girls. girls. girls. Why, Lord? Why are we this way? So full of ourselves, so ignorant, so obnoxious, so pathetic? Why are we so far from your image?