Palm Trees Everywhere

I've felt as though I were going non-stop this whole year. From finishing the busy semester of planting Asian American ministry while balancing the faith/life of my undergrad students to face my own crumbling mental health each of those difficult nights. 

One of my last interactions in Chicago, a younger student reflected to me that when I first joined their small group, I shared incredibly vulnerably and cried. I was shocked, it was almost like someone had held a mirror in my face to show my erratic behaviors from two years ago. It was my first season of support-raising, during a turbulent transition of all kinds of life things. I lacked community, and the first opportunity I had for intimacy, I latched on and melted everywhere. It was too much. It really was. Now I can reflect and say, "Dang, that was a really unhealthy point of my life." But in some ways, I was doing everything I could to be better. And in some other ways, some of those unhealthy patterns of disclosing myself have continued with me. 

I think one part of my personality is one that relishes pain, and reflects deeply upon it. But at what point is that unhealthy and when is it just being introspective?
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Anyways.

So here I am. I unpacked my last box today and rearranged my belongings into different nooks and crannies of my new home. I've been confronted with a lot, but I haven't given myself the time or space to really process. On one hand, I have been legitimately busy. On another, I distracted myself from diving deeper into those issues.

This year has been crazy. 

January- Basically a throw down in my life with my job

February- Grieving the realities of my situation. The organization I devoted myself to would not fight for me.*another thing to process

later February- Prayer Time- 'Tori, you chose where we go next'

Along came California

March- submitted my application to Fuller + got accepted

End of April- Pursued convos with IV out in CA, video-interviewed

May- Campus visit

End of May- Accepted Offer to staff at Occidental and switch to part-time seminary status

June-Training, fundraising, tying loose ends in Carbondale

July- support raising in Chicago

August- CA training + moved to CA

about 4 days ago, I found out I'll be staffing international ministry at Occidental's campus. I called my sister today, and told her I haven't been able to cry. I know I want to and I know I need to, but I couldn't get myself there. 

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I am so scared. Day 1 in LA, after a frantic unloading my car and getting in trouble for parking in my landlord's spot and his whole family and my supervisor seeing my mess.. I drove with my friend to Target to pick up cleaning supplies. I looked around and noticed the sea of palm trees in my horizon. They're freakin everywhere. My friend is on the phone. And I start panicking. 

What have I done?

Every time I wanted to cry, my kind friend patted my back and I held it in. After she left I ran errands for the next two days, started supervision + planning work + Oxy's leaders' retreat until yesterday. 

I have so many anxieties. I have so many concerns. 

God, you're still here right? I choose the place and you set the path, right? What is your plan? I feel so scared. 

Hide me in a hole

Less than 5 days left in Chicago.

I feel my anxiety building. I feel the unspoken demand for my time and attention from friends, from family, from obligations I have as a missionary.. and I am overwhelmed. Haha. I think I want to hide in a hole.

People want time. My time and my testimony are the only things I have been able to give people. But I am so scared. Nobody wants to cause me to feel burdened or anxious, they just genuinely want to spend time with me, for which I am grateful. But maybe if I had like another two weeks, lol.

Anxiety. Anxiety. Crippling anxiety. What am I afraid of? What am I anticipating?

I am afraid of my friends and loved ones. I am afraid of strangers and acquaintents. I am afraid they want something from me, but I have nothing to give them. I am afraid, I will be so tired and worn and exhausted, I can't actually enjoy my time with people. Quality time turns into obligation, it turns into an appointment I put in my calendar, a task to mark off on a google sheet. I can't do this anymore.

Spiritually, I think I'm doing okay. God has done so much with me. I am reminded of his teachings and his love. It's so in my face, I really can't avoid it. But I suppose this is from a lack of sabbath. I have not rested. I have been trusting myself, the work of my own hands, refusing to surrender to God. Who do I think I am?