God, are you a jokester right now? Trolololololing.

A pile of random thoughts

In a crowded room, I like to stand in the back by myself. In a crowded world, I like to hide behind the esteem of my actions and achievements, because by myself I have nothing. Because in them, people would find value, and perhaps that value would be shed onto what they see in me. Ever since college, I've avoided coming home to Chicago, because I knew I had less and less to hide behind. No worthy deed, no wonderous act. It's just me. I've been afraid that it wouldn't be enough.

Some moments, I ask myself, "Are you really doing this?" and I imagine myself back on campus as an InterVarsity staff worker. "Oh my God, what am I doing?" People will think I'm a student. Then when they find out I'm not, they'll think I'm weird.

Some moments, I take hold of myself and how far I've come in this breadth of my life. I would never have imagined in all my capacity for imagination, that I would go into ministry. So some moments, I say to myself, "Oh my God, this is really happening."

Sometimes when I get the chance to catch myself in the mirror, I feel like my body is really separate from me, like it doesn't truly belong to me. While separate, the choices I make have a direct effect on it. Did I steward her well?

God is not done with me. God will never be done with me. As long as my spirit lives, He lives with me also. Sometimes I really suck as a human being, but God will always be my God.