"This One"

After walking across the stage, being handed the piece of paper that wasn't my diploma, I continued to the line of professors who held their hands and arms out to meet the new graduates. I walked to Dr. Horton and she gave me a massive hug. I felt so happy. I continued to walk and shake hands and receive pats on my back. "This one. She is the one I was talking about. She would've been perfect, but she's not going to grad school."

I can hold onto that for now, but after a while, I will be forgotten. Many other great students will come forth and they will do great things. Then holding onto this praise would be worthless. My pride is probably one of my biggest thorns. For so much of my life, I chased and ran desperately after being the prize in people's memories, if even for a faint moment. Oh, what I wouldn't do. I loved it. It was like a drug. But it became a bad drug, when I needed it more than I needed anything else.

I love being prized. I love being valued as worthy. I love taking breath away.

But my world has been changing. He calls me, that I might set my gaze on him. He tells me I am worthy. He takes my breath away each day. My joy and my deep satisfaction comes from seeing His will done.

My heartstrings, they strum a sad song.

For Greater Glory

Lord, even if things don't get better, You've taught me that you are still good. So I cry out from the depths:

You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Wrestling

My home is where my Father is. Not an earthly home, people, or place. My home is where my Father is. When I feel alone, forgotten, and so insanely left out, I remember my home is where my Father is.

I smile. I grit my teeth. I say I am thankful, and I am. All I can do is say positive things, because if I don't.. life really really sucks. If I don't.. I don't know what's left. "God is the one who sustains me and gives me hope." I'm afraid I'm going to go crazy saying the same things over and over again to comfort myself.

"I don't come here for fellowship. I have no fellowship here. I don't come here for friends. I have no friends here. I don't come here to be loved. I don't come here to be cared for. I come here for God. He gives me all I need."

HIS BRIDE (a rant)

At the identity workshop, one woman asked, "How can I become a strong Godly single woman?" So we entered into the topic of singleness.

There is some talk of, "You're single, because you're not ready for a relationship yet and God is having you wait for your own good." Or it's like you're in a car ride, constantly asking, "are we there yet?" and God is the annoyed parent, who tells you to wait. Or there is the circular, you'll have a boyfriend/husband, when you stop looking. Ugh.. I just want to vomit. These words, I've probably said before, but now I'm sick of hearing them.

God made marriage, and He loves marriage. I don't want to grow bitter towards relationships, but I hate how the desire for marriage/dating takes so much attention (even my own). Our lives do not revolve around being in a relationship. We are not in this season of singleness-trial because God desires to whip us in shape for a Godly husband. A marriage relationship between a man and woman is just an attempt to imitate the slightest fragment of the covenant marriage that we are waiting for, as God's bride. The fact is that no marriage between man and woman will fully capture, nor come close, to the relationship God has with us.

I believe that you can date/marry someone even when you're not "ready." What is ready? No one is going to enter into any relationship with no sin issues, baggage, or false expectations. We try our best, and even that will fail sometimes.. but in our failures, we keep trying because of the hope that was given to us from what was accomplished through Jesus'. We wait expectantly and confidently for our groom to return to us. We wait faithfully and boldly for the one we love. Even in dating and marriage, that person I date/marry should challenge me to love God more. The point is not to be his bride, but to be His bride. and likewise for women.. we should help our brothers to love God more, to faithfully wait, too.

As long as we look at a singleness circumstance as, 'I am single because I am not ready to be in a relationship,' we are going to miss the point and do a huge disservice to women who are single. This idea insinuates a defect in single women, and women in relationships have "passed the test." A woman who is dating or in a relationship will continue to face trials, struggles, and testing.

 'I am being worked on because the way that I am currently is not going to produce a healthy relationship. I will trust in God's timing and pruning' We are not pruned for marriage to another human being, we are pruned to likeness with Christ.. and that would result in good things, and we should love others better if we are more like Christ. I've seen plenty of amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, incredibly faithful and spiritual women single in later ages.

But as always, this anger and upset-ness I feel says more about my judgments of myself and where I have been in this thought process. I am more angry with myself than I am with the words that were said in the workshop, angry that I have missed the mark for so long.. angry that I'll still struggle and miss the mark despite knowing this intellectually to some capacity.. angry that although this is something I know and remember right now, I might doubt, forget, and wrestle with this for the rest of my life, but I am willing to wrestle until my groom returns.

Trapped Under the Carpet

We spend hours and days cleaning our house, so our honored guest would come.. and we'd tell them, "excuse our mess, we haven't had the chance to clean." Kelly is engaged and recently passed her boards. I am doing humble work. We talk about our houses, our cars, and our great lives.  We wear nice clothes and shoes. We spend more than we normally do. We go places we normally don't go to.

God, are you a jokester right now? Trolololololing.

A pile of random thoughts

In a crowded room, I like to stand in the back by myself. In a crowded world, I like to hide behind the esteem of my actions and achievements, because by myself I have nothing. Because in them, people would find value, and perhaps that value would be shed onto what they see in me. Ever since college, I've avoided coming home to Chicago, because I knew I had less and less to hide behind. No worthy deed, no wonderous act. It's just me. I've been afraid that it wouldn't be enough.

Some moments, I ask myself, "Are you really doing this?" and I imagine myself back on campus as an InterVarsity staff worker. "Oh my God, what am I doing?" People will think I'm a student. Then when they find out I'm not, they'll think I'm weird.

Some moments, I take hold of myself and how far I've come in this breadth of my life. I would never have imagined in all my capacity for imagination, that I would go into ministry. So some moments, I say to myself, "Oh my God, this is really happening."

Sometimes when I get the chance to catch myself in the mirror, I feel like my body is really separate from me, like it doesn't truly belong to me. While separate, the choices I make have a direct effect on it. Did I steward her well?

God is not done with me. God will never be done with me. As long as my spirit lives, He lives with me also. Sometimes I really suck as a human being, but God will always be my God.

Visit from an Old Friend

It's been a while since I saw my old friend. Not much has changed, but at the same time, a lot has. I had almost forgotten. It's been a while. You've seen me back in old routines. You've seen me back, cornered in the same place. You've seen me back, alone and sad. It's been a while since I saw my old friend. Although my body tires, my soul can't find rest. Old friend, how long is your stay, or are you just passing by?

God, my God. Abba, my Abba. Lord, my Lord. My old friend is back, and she is not my friend.

Under the Sun and the Stars

D: Tori, can you please be quiet for a moment and listen to me? Can you please stay out of the sun?
T: No, I can't. lol
D: What about when you get a boyfriend? Don't you want people to like you?
Change topic...

T:If a boy says to me, "Tori, I'd like you if only you were more white color" he would be an asshole. Is that really what you want for me?
D: That's the truth.
T:Asian Americans are different. We don't think like that
D: No. Everyone does. Don't you get upset when people call you Filipino?
T:Of course I get upset. I get angry not because being Filipino is bad but because Chinese people look down on Filipino's. Just like if people discriminate against black people or Chinese people.. It's not something that we can help. I can't stop being Chinese for them. I can't change that for anyone.

Where you are is where I want to be

Lord, if you say to me, 'Come back to Chicago.' I will come back.
Lord, if you say to me, 'Go to ISU.' I will go to ISU.
Lord, if you say to me, 'Go to ---- Community College.' I will go to ---- Community College.
Lord, if you say to me, 'Stay at Carbondale.' I will stay at Carbondale.

Lord, where you are is where I want to be. Because when I am with you, I am complete, and I lack nothing. Even if it is at your feet, I long for that place. There is no other place like where you are.

God, why are you so good to me?

I like sleeping with a notebook and pen by my side.

'Maybe I can catch one'

Life-yolk

Sometimes life feels unbearably heavy. Heavy, like someone sitting over your chest. Heavy enough to break.

My shepherd takes my hand, and he says to me:

"Come to me, you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soul. For my yoke is easy and my  burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

Puppy Love: Rant

I never realized how wonderful singleness is.. Yeah, I have my bouts of melodrama, but right now I am so thankful that I have been single. The temptations and risks are in a whole new realm once you're in a relationship.. and I was always living on my own cloud, in my own fantasy world. I literally lived my own fantasy world, role playing online (super vulnerable and embarrassing to share this). Every person I liked/crushed on, I thought I loved them. I thought it was meant to be. I thought it would be forever. If anything like a relationship would've happened for me, I promise you, I would have broken all the boundaries, I would have gone on a totally different track. (Even if that happened, I know there is still healing and life in Jesus, but for sure my story and the areas where I feel broken/far from God would be different.. not less, not more, just different).

 I see online, a 17-year-old posting about her devout love for her beloved. I did some FB stalking on the guy, and I see that he has recently been unemployed from McDonald's, his profile picture is a bathroom selfie, his nick name is 'Puppy Love,' and he is 22 years-old (almost 23). Selfies are fine. Puppies are great. Working at a fast food place is cool, too, but something about this collective picture just makes me feel uneasy.. maybe even queasy.

What the hell are you doing with a high-school student, man? This girl has been professing her love on the internet for this guy. It's quite the poetry, but a part of me dies a little.. because she is so over her head for this guy who isn't really as prince-charming as she describes him to be.. I die on the inside, more so, because I know I was there. I was there when I was 17. Shoot, I was there a few months ago. Well not quite in the same way.. but it's scary. When 'love' or 'hormones' or just plain sexual desire blinds you from reality, from common sense, from keeping your integrity and dignity. BLEH. 

It's like this spell or this deep sleep that no one can wake you up from, and you don't realize what deep sh*t you've been in until you're out of it. It's like you're trapped in a glass box, only you can leave from the inside. Everyone's tellin' you to get the hell out of there. It's not good for you to be in there. It's not safe for you to be in that place.. but you think it's great, you think it's protecting you even.

But the whole while, Jesus is there waiting.. waiting for you to notice him, waiting so you can see what true love really is.