Married to Jesus

Although I've never dated, I would say that my heart has a good history of being fluttery, obsessive, desperate, and just down right crazy sometimes for guys.

At retreat last month, I shared a cabin with high school girls. Naturally, we got on the topic of dating. And honestly, I told them I've never dated and I was the oldest girl camper with them. Which I said with humor and absolutely no shame, until they actually thought that I was hurting or something and they tried to comfort me. "It's ok that you've never dated. God will find you someone." "Don't worry about not finding a boyfriend, Tori. You remember blah blah blah? Well he's like way older than you and he hasn't dated either."

I was disgusted that they thought I was ashamed or sad because I never dated. I suppose that there has been many many times where I questioned myself critically for being single my whole life. But thinking about it now, I am so glad I haven't dated. I know so certainly, that I would have worshiped the guy. It wouldn't matter who it was, because I was so desperate. I wasn't going around flirting with everyone or something, but my heart was easily moved. And while I was in school, I did notice when girls started to date, then there were a couple more, and more and before I knew it, I was one of the very few that never even held hands with a guy before. I am so glad I didn't date. With the list of priorities and thoughts and principles and the gigantic lack of wisdom I had, I know so surely now that it would have went downhill faster than a greased marble, riding on banana peels, down a buttered ramp. God's been totally watching over me even before I knew Him.

Even now, I find myself to be distracted by guys. Definitely not as much. With some thought, I think I should make this commitment with myself and God that dating for the next year will just not even be an option. This way I can stay more focused on my relationship with Jesus. And I'm growing really tired of thinking about guys. Tired about blogging, talking, and thinking about them. I think God's really helped me in taking away a lot of that obsession and worry I had. It was so pathetic and sad. God must have felt hurt for me when he saw me so desperate, so lacking of faith. I think this will be one of the best decisions to make right now. Just, not even think about how that guy thinks about me, or anything bleh like that. I will just think to myself .. dude, I'm not gonna date this year. It's not gonna happen. Married to Jesus right now.

I'm going to hide my facebook relationship status. I know it seems kinda silly, to have to keep it so accurate, but I think it can have effect. If you put out dating or engaged or married, then you know that person is off limits, but if you put single, it suggests.. no, it doesn't suggest, it SAYS 'I'm available for dating'. I'm gonna hide it for me. And it's definitely not like anyone is hounding at my door or anything. Just make a mental note for myself that dating is not what I'm looking for right now and it doesn't concern anyone on Facebook whether or not I'm available.


It's probably going to be a little weird or difficult at first. But I really wish I made this choice a lot earlier.

My heart will only beat for Jesus. Everything I do will be for Him, not for man. Pure mind, good thoughts, peace in my heart.

God Loves Me, This I Know

The Bible doesn't need to tell me this for it to be so. God loves me, this I know, but I can't even begin to imagine how great His love is. God loves you more than you even know love. It's like how a father loves his baby. His baby may cry for his father and giggle at the sight of his face, at the comfort of his warm embrace, but the baby has no idea how great the love the father has. I know God loves me. Even though I became ugly with my sinful thoughts and actions, He still loves me.

First Disappointment

My heart was hurting so much after tonight, and I guess I took some silly photos on facebook, made some small online messaging, and an international student seems to be warming up to the fellowship! all those things didn't make my heart hurt less, but it helped me forget about the aching. And I reconciled with a brother and I gave encouragement to another sister who I have great respect and admiration for. All those things gave me comfort and I managed to close me eyes and sleep.

But the fire alarm went off at 5am and after it was over and everyone was back in their beds, I closed my eyes but my heart just hurted as much as before if not more. I can't sleep because of that sadness. It's not a heart attack or something physically dangerous I think.

But my heart hurts for very valid reasons. Yesterday it hurted because I was selfish, rude, and a waste of space. Today, it hurts because people in my fellowship didn't care. And now I am upset. Because I brought a guest, a new prospective member of InterVarsity to the InterVarsity potluck dinner. Their response was nothing. They did nothing, they had their own conversations and ignored us. They did nothing. I don't give a damn if my spiritual gift is evangelism or not, it is hard and scary for me to talk to people, to initiate conversations. I sacrifice a lot of my own comfort to make others feel comfortable. While I'm not the best at evangelism, I'm not even particularly good, but I know I try very very hard for my standards and previous experience and I force myself to do those things, because I know this body belongs to Jesus and I want it to be used for him. I don't care if my spiritual gift is evangelism and theirs is in worship or planning or preaching or sweeping the damn floor, if there is someone new, you make them feel comfortable. You don't shun them and ignore them and make them feel like an outsider. Maybe, just maybe, that would happen at a pagan event where everyone minded their own business and did their own thing, but we were at a church! We just had dinner! Our last teaching at large group was about bringing UNITY in the fellowship! My heart hurts. What is wrong with these people? Why are they so ignorant, so blind? Maybe they were mad at me because I brought a guest to the event, but she had the permission. Maybe they were mad at me because I added a chair to the table and they had to waste their energy scooting their chairs, maybe that's why they behaved that way. Maybe they were like that because ... because they were just damn ignorant. My heart hurts. Fix me, God, and give me more love for the family, give me more patience to endure this, give me the Holy Spirit and more strength to motivate change. I'm afraid I'm asking for too much. God, just give me the Holy Spirit, the rest will simply follow and fall in place.

Jesus, the best guy I know

Three more months of being 18. So weird to be 19. I guess I'm still pretty young.

At church, there were a bunch of babies. And if I would say for my preference, the youngest I'd want to be to have a kid is probably 24. I mean 24 would be my preferred minimum. And 24, that is 6 years from now. Six years may or may not sound like a lot, but it'll come fast. Six years ago, I was in seventh grade, the thought of college seemed so far away and unimaginable/abstract. I though it would take forever for college to come, but here I am sitting in the stereotypical wooden chair (that really hurts your butt) and typing away on the wooden table. I still remember a lot of stuff from 7th grade, I don't remember 7th grade like it was very far away. Some moments still feel fresh, like all I need to do is to call on those memories and the concept of time just felt off.

 I hope that I could have a kid by thirty. Thirty, that is twelve years from now. Twelve years ago, I was six, I was in 1st grade or perhaps I just graduated kindergarten. That seems a little further than 7th grade, but I'm sure that'll come soon too. I'm glad I get to measure time by how much I've already spent. But it really forces me to realize how short life is. I'm glad Jesus has got me an eternity in heaven. Jesus, the best guy I know.

Startle

I kept staring at the picture, because I looked just like my mom when she was younger, except my mom was prettier and skinnier, lighter skin. It's like my mom is in that picture, hanging out with my friends. It's like I stole her face. And when I look at the picture that is like a reflection of her, I think, "wow, so beautiful" but not because I think I am beautiful, but I recognize and my mom's face when she was younger, when she was my age. I wish she could see this too, it's amazing me, startling me.

The Right Pick

You know you've picked the right major, when you look at others and you pity them thinking, "It's so unfair for them, that I love my major." I am so lucky to love what I study, to study what I love. But I am not trying to be cocky, because I've definitely had my fair share of devastation, hopelessness, and readiness to cry and run to bed and curl up in a ball.

"Doing what you love is the only way you'll succeed" I told a high schooler who told me his parents wanted him to be a doctor instead of a pilot. And I believe that with all my heart, just sometimes.. things get so difficult you forget how lovable something is. Just gotta step back, take a breather.

I look at the other students in other majors, and I pity them because I'm in aviation. But I do it with the hope that when they look at me, they pity me because they're in civil engineering/social work/vocal performance/biochemistry/agriculture/etc. I am so glad I get to do what I love. Now I pray God, that you continue to bless me, let me stay here.

Singularity: Recipe for a Guilty Suspect

One thing I absolutely despise about being single is when the women think I am after their men. I hate it, absolutely hate it. Don't confuse my kindness as flirting. Don't confuse my gentleness as being lovedrunk. Don't confuse it! Don't confuse it!

 I place a large part of the blame on the guy. He thinks he is all that. He thinks he is a great find.

He must think I really admire him. He must think that I think he is so amazing, like the best thing I've ever heard of. He must think I couldn't handle the kindness that he showed for that brief moment. And in many ways he is a great guy. I can't find anything wrong with him except that he thinks of himself very highly. But even if a guy was an ideally perfect bachelor, it doesn't mean I would like him. Even if a guy was hunted down and stalked by lists of girls, it doesn't mean I would like him. Those feelings just come, not like something I can really control. And honestly, I feel absolutely nothing like that for him. Never even a thought of it, seriously.

And I can just feel it, he thinks I'm obsessed. He thinks I'm in love with him. Oh, Lord! I feel like I am being framed! Like they are stuffing a dead cat down my throat! I don't like him! But it feels like I'm being talked about. It feels like I'm being looked down on. It feels like my long held reputation of being clean, innocent, and untouched has been reduced to a desperate, scheming, boyfriend-stealing little Asian girl. I don't want that to be me. His only problem, narcissism, is hurting me. I am so glad my Lord knows my innocence. My Lord knows I would never dare to break people apart, to plot such wickedness, to shame Him like that.

He is such a nice person to talk to. I really appreciate having him as a friend, thinking of him no more than being another brother in Christ because he had my back and I intended to have his. But his narcissism, it is so dumb. I don't think I have ever ever ever ever flirted with him. And I am quite disturbed to even think that I may have given off that sort of vibe.. Ugh.. Disgusting, disturbing, despicable. I honestly hope I am not being used to make the girlfriend try harder to please him. I honestly hope the guy wakes up from his narcissism. I hope the girl realize my innocence. But if none of that happens, I am glad my Lord knows. Because that is all that matters, what my Lord knows. He knows my heart. But I don't think He would want misunderstandings to float around, especially since we are supposed to be the body, especially since we go to the same church.

Answered

Overwhelmed by God's grace. I am so sorry for my laziness. I am so glad that You love me none the lesser.

"I don't believe in any gods; I believe in myself", the spiritually blind woman said.

Oh Lord, how would I have ever gotten where I am without You in my life. How you have blessed me! You are greater than other idol or entity! How easy it is for me to bring praise when all is well! I am truly truly grateful. Please, never let this grace leave my sight.

Status

Is it weird to update your relationship status on networking websites? I feel awkwardness in updating mine. In the past I didn't update it as single because I had this gut feeling I would be single for a long long time and I would appear lame.

But now, I feel like if I put my status as single, I am appearing desperate, telling the facebook world that I am available.If they want to know if I have dated before, they could simply look at my profile pictures and note that there has ony been me. Singular. Not plural. Just me. I was never paired, I have been single, I am the sock without a match. I am a single, alone, by myself.

And I feel like putting my orientation makes me seem obnoxious and desperate. "I am interested in men and I am single" that sounds so wrong. I am seeking relationship or friendship. Flat out, weird! Even having it say "Interested in: Men" Men isn't really my hobby.. It's not like I'm interested in cooking, watching movies, chemistry, the architecture of Chicago.. Being interested in men sounds so.. questionable and strange.

Silence

As I proclaim my engagement, my readiness, to marry Jesus, I can feel Satan preparing to strike me, to tempt me, to tear me away. I want to say, "Jesus, I will carry my cross this time around. I won't let go, I'll latch onto you like a parasite to its host, like a drip of water to a dry sponge, like those sticky part that binds the paper to the water bottles. But like Carrie Underwood's song Jesus Take the Wheel had said, "I can't do this on my own" I am more ready, because I won't be alone."

Marry me, Jesus!

If I do get the opportunity, I only want to date Christians because nothing is more important to me than God. And I cannot let anyone pull me away from Him. No one! No one! No one! God is good, all the time! All the time, God is good! This sheep learned so much over the weekend. This sheep, who once was lost, realized that she didn't just find her shepherd randomly, but it was Jesus who brought her back to the good shepherd. It was Jesus, sent by God, that brought me back to Him. It is by grace, and grace alone. And I need, absolutely need, to show Jesus my love.

Jesus, in our relationship, if I evaluate the perspectives: my commitment, my concentration, my effort, my love.. then I would say that we have been dating for the last several years. But now I want to propose an engagement! I want to be faithful to you, I want to be yours forever. I want to marry you and I am surprised that we haven't! Let the wedding bells ring!

So much

There's so much to learn, Lord. I am so excited! To swim like the fishes, to fly like the birds, to sing like the wind, to run like the cheetah! All these wonderful gifts, I want to know them all!

Go Ahead, Damn Me

Don't judge me by the things I couldn't control, don't judge me by the choices I didn't make. But instead, judge me by my actions, my words, my works, my change, my efforts. You can even judge my weight because God has given me the ability to control it. I don't have a crazy fast metabolism, nor do I have an incredibly slow one. God has given me the ability to control my body, to show that I truly care about myself. Except my giant calves, those, I were born with, so don't judge me for those. But if you do judge me for those things I couldn't control, like my calves, my heritage, my face, my age, my background, my height, my passion, my dreams, then.. I don't know. I can't do anything but to ask you not to, but if you do anyways, then I don't know.

Then I suppose you should go ahead, judge me by my height. And damn me because I can never find pants my length. Damn me because my parents gave up their dignity to provide for me. Damn me because I'm Yellow. Damn me because I have ten toes, four eyes, two arms, one nose. Damn  me because I have variation in my skin. DAMN me because I'm belly button in. DAMN ME BECAUSE I CAN READ BETTER, SPEAK BETTER, ACT BETTER THAN YOU. Damn me, because I try so hard. Damn me, because of my big ass heart that still has room to forgive you.

no baby no more

it's not missing the convenience of home, nor is it missing the presence of family, but it's realizing that I'm no baby no more that gets to me most. I almost can't believe that I've made it this far, not as if I am very successful or accomplished, but I'm in college. You know you're old, when your kids are in college. You know you're old when your kids have kids. You know you're old when your kids' kids have kids. Less than 6 hours, but I already yearn for home. Dropped off at a wild place, I worry. This is supposed to be one of the best times of my life, but this is where I stand now. And where I stand now stands for the end to being a baby. I'm no baby no more, no matter how much I'd want to fall into regression, no matter how much I need, no matter how much I cry. I'm no baby no more. Or at least, no one will recognize me as one.

Pray that I find my niche, pray that I find balance and comfort. Pray that This pause in my heart, this traffic in my mind will play, will drive, will do whatever it does to go away. Pray for no drama, pray for no danger. Pray for this baby that is no baby no more.

Freshman Infinity

Damn, I got treated today.

"I have a feeling you're going to get Freshman 20"

I really hate it when people underestimate me. Why can't I open that jar of pickles? Why can't I drink that cup of ketchup? Why can't I fly a plane? But I do have a very narcissistic part of me, a princess-disease. It is a part of me now, but it was me completely before. And this narcissistic part of me lives on despite all my failures and losses. And despite all my wounds, bruises, and scars, I still think I can win. I always think I can win.

Now, I am slightly afraid of this narcissism going out of control. Slightly afraid to validate this wild imagination of my strength in will and endurance. Afraid to look down upon my legs to confirm if they are still running.

In Sin's Den

Solomon prayed for wisdom, but I don't think I need any more wisdom. I don't mean that I am a genius, but I'm fine where I am at. I'm fine, losing my wallet every once in a while. I'm fine, getting over-charged at Joy Yee Plus. I'm fine, losing arguments and predictions. Instead, I pray for faith to endure. It's what I need the most. Because right now, every open crevice of my heart gets filled with hate.

Today, I saw the den of sin. It was beautiful. And it should be beautiful because it costed families.  And for many moments, I envied the den, every square foot, inch, and centimeter. Everything about that den was beautiful, luxurious, and unimaginable. But I was also very afraid. Because sin is such a short-term pleasure. It is such an intense short-term pleasure, that I am afraid of its temptations. But besides the hate in my heart, the words I shouldn't say, I have greed. I want luxury in this short-term life. I want all those gorgeous things. So I desperately pray for strength. Right now, I don't even have enough faith in myself to make a solemn promise. My heart is much weaker now. I've become scum.

And I want people to be able to see God in me. I want a forgiving heart, a sincere mouth, a caring ear, observant eyes-- I want all those things that would make me the best servant I can be. After a full day of internet disconnection, I've had the time for more consideration. And now that I've calmed down, that beautiful house isn't that great. All their riches doesn't make them wealthy. And I should recommend no one to work for them as I should invite those to church instead. Do I bring my pagan friends in front of buckets of gold and tell them to give that up for something they can't see? I'm afraid that I'm not convincing enough. Satan is powerful with his spectacles and material goods, but Jesus is almighty. So give me strength, for I am still weak. Strength to not greed, not steal, not deceive, not hate, not covet, not plot evil.

If I am

I am really ashamed. I should get struck by lightning, land on a pile of poop and drown in it. And that would be a decent death. If everything I do is because of my family, and everything my family does is all because of me, then I should get stomped on by a stampede of elephants.

I feel really ashamed. It wasn't even something I did, yet I feel like crying. I feel regretful and sorry. I feel stupid and ugly. God, I wish these bad feelings away like they were a bad cold. I wish these bad feelings away like they were cancer, like they were a tumor, a cyst, a 6th toe. I wish I can say I had the right to wish these feelings away. I wish I could say, it wasn't my burden, my responsisbility, my family. It wasn't my family that stole from you yesterday, it wasn't my mom that said it was alright. It wasn't me, that walked away with yours, smiling and happy. It wasn't me. She'll forgive me, but I'll still feel like crap. He'll forgive me, but I'll still feel like crap. I'll forgive him, but I'll still feel like crap. I think I feel worse than crap. Because.. how bad can crap really feel? I mean.. it's turd, it's poop, it's excretion. If I were a piece of poop, I don't think I'd feel that bad.. I think poops are carefree and laidback, they just sit there, in the cold, in the sun, in the grass, in the street. I don't feel like crap. I feel terrible. I wish I felt like crap.

Celebrasian

Am I better than 1 in 100 Asians?

I must confess

that I fall in love with my imagination.

Devastation

"AHH!", I want to scream.
Tears, I want to cry.
Babies, I want to smash (not really).

But I won't. Because I'll do whatever God has chosen for me, because He only has love for me. Pure, unfailing, awesome love. 

I just pray, with a little hope, that God chose me to fly.