First Disappointment

My heart was hurting so much after tonight, and I guess I took some silly photos on facebook, made some small online messaging, and an international student seems to be warming up to the fellowship! all those things didn't make my heart hurt less, but it helped me forget about the aching. And I reconciled with a brother and I gave encouragement to another sister who I have great respect and admiration for. All those things gave me comfort and I managed to close me eyes and sleep.

But the fire alarm went off at 5am and after it was over and everyone was back in their beds, I closed my eyes but my heart just hurted as much as before if not more. I can't sleep because of that sadness. It's not a heart attack or something physically dangerous I think.

But my heart hurts for very valid reasons. Yesterday it hurted because I was selfish, rude, and a waste of space. Today, it hurts because people in my fellowship didn't care. And now I am upset. Because I brought a guest, a new prospective member of InterVarsity to the InterVarsity potluck dinner. Their response was nothing. They did nothing, they had their own conversations and ignored us. They did nothing. I don't give a damn if my spiritual gift is evangelism or not, it is hard and scary for me to talk to people, to initiate conversations. I sacrifice a lot of my own comfort to make others feel comfortable. While I'm not the best at evangelism, I'm not even particularly good, but I know I try very very hard for my standards and previous experience and I force myself to do those things, because I know this body belongs to Jesus and I want it to be used for him. I don't care if my spiritual gift is evangelism and theirs is in worship or planning or preaching or sweeping the damn floor, if there is someone new, you make them feel comfortable. You don't shun them and ignore them and make them feel like an outsider. Maybe, just maybe, that would happen at a pagan event where everyone minded their own business and did their own thing, but we were at a church! We just had dinner! Our last teaching at large group was about bringing UNITY in the fellowship! My heart hurts. What is wrong with these people? Why are they so ignorant, so blind? Maybe they were mad at me because I brought a guest to the event, but she had the permission. Maybe they were mad at me because I added a chair to the table and they had to waste their energy scooting their chairs, maybe that's why they behaved that way. Maybe they were like that because ... because they were just damn ignorant. My heart hurts. Fix me, God, and give me more love for the family, give me more patience to endure this, give me the Holy Spirit and more strength to motivate change. I'm afraid I'm asking for too much. God, just give me the Holy Spirit, the rest will simply follow and fall in place.