I need God more than I need air. I need God. I need Him. I need my heavenly Father.

Last two weeks I spent maybe 3 nights at home. Everywhere else that wasn't home made me feel guilty because I left my family waiting for me. I felt like a terrible daughter for not spending the summer home with my parents who miss me to death. Now I'm home, and I don't want to be. Parts of it are so beautiful and sad, parts of it are so ugly and evil. I know Chicago isn't my home anymore. I'm pretty certain God doesn't want me to stay here.

I don't want to be home to see the ugliness. I don't want to be away form home and feel guilty. I don't know where my future leads. I don't know if aviation is where God's called me to be. I don't know if I like flying anymore. I don't know if I could do it anymore. I don't know if there is any passion for it left. I feel like a liar, like I lied to everyone when I told them I loved aviation, I wanted to be a pilot. I have no idea! But if this is God's way of telling me I'm in the wrong field, then by God's great name, I'm leaving it. I seriously have no idea. Prayer for peace, for faith.

Matthew 18:21-35

Struggling with financial stuff, and I just had an amazing week with God in the upper peninsula of Michigan. Lots of brokenness got brought out of me that I didn't even realize was still there and still so strong.

Give with love and intentions. I could be selfish and unreasonable and bitter and say some bad stuff. Blame failing my oral exam because I took it when I knew I wasn't ready, I took it so I could be done and so I could go to MI. But it was entirely my fault. I should have managed my time better. I should have went at my own pace even if that is slower. God's been so good and so faithful.

We drove my car from Carbondale to Chicago and then to MI. Chicago to MI was about 10-11 hour drive because of picking people up and stopping because my car was so old. Right now, I think my car is broken. The pedals were really worn out when we got back and I felt something scraping a hard surface every time I touched the pedals. Creepy stuff. And everyone underpaid with gas. I was bitter about it. If I didn't go, everyone in my car probably couldn't have made it. Yet they didn't pay me enough. My car is in such a bad condition right now, yet they didn't even pay me enough for gas. but God, I am even more angry at my bitterness. I could have been stern about it and said, hey you're all paying wayy less than you're supposed. I could call each of them right now to pay me extra, but that feels so wrong and ridiculous.

I should be way less bitter. I'll assume they had better judgement to know what they gave wasn't enough. I'll assume that they need the money more than I do, even though it doesn't seem like that right now. In the end, my life is still good.

I'm not sure if I'll pass my exam when I get back to Carbondale, I just lost a lot of confidence in that and I haven't gotten to study a lot last week. I'm not sure if I'll have to take that class over. I'm not sure at all if my parents can afford the extra hours I've taken for flight because of my inadequacy and mess-up's. I'm not sure if I can even last after sophomore year because I'd have used up my academic scholarship.. not so smart. Ah.. but even if I fail this class and take it again, even if I have to stop school after next year, God is still here. That doesn't mean I won't try my best, but God's sovereignty will always rule my life no matter what my mess-up's, failures, choices, etc. So glad my God is stronger than all my faults and failures. So glad.

nube

Today, like a lot of my other mornings, there was a stabbing pain in my gut that extended to my heart, worrying about flight. Even this morning when I knew I needed to fly today, I secretly prayed for cloudy skies so I didn't have to fly. Overwhelmed with gloom, this reoccurring thought haunted me, "Is this going to be the rest of my life?" That gloom lasted no more than 30 seconds. Sometimes it was for hours, or the whole morning.

God, what's wrong with me?

Lord, I pray for clear skies, calm winds on Friday.