WR

It felt so good to speak Chinese again.

Everyone wants to hang out

Everyone wants to hang out. But hanging out costs money. I don't have money. Walking home today, I found a shiny quarter on the street. I picked it up and became a quarter richer, but even so, I cannot afford a pineapple bun from the bakery. I'm so sick of people asking me to go out to eat or to hang out, because it costs money. It costs money that I don't have. I don't even think I can afford my textbooks for next year. God, I want to work right now. God, I wish I had a job.

I keep hearing about people getting full-rides and really awesome scholarships at these top-ranked colleges and universities and all I got was a measly $14,000 academic scholarship. It's like SIUC threw a change purse at my face and laughed, taunting, "Haha, you're stupid." What is $14,000 compared to someone else who got $400,000?

But I need to look at this as another opportunity from God, so that I would have more faith in Him. I need to trust that since I am with God, I don't need to worry. My God is the strongest, richest, wisest, bestest. And He who is already so mighty and magnificent, knows my name. He knows every hair on my head and He loves me. I know He loves me because He loves Jesus. As I see people getting accepted into Yale, Harvard, Northwestern, Princeton, Colombia, Darthmouth, UCLA, Cal Tech, Cornell, etc etc, I feel like I become invisible. Like I'm just watching everyone. Like I'm a Kohl's check-out-girl at a Prada store. And I ask, God, why didn't I get into those schools? Why didn't You bless me with those kinds of acknowledgement and success? Well, first off, none of those have my major. I go to the number one aviation college in the country... and while it seems like other options are clearly the better ones, I need to have faith and trust that this is what God planned for me and He loves me so much and knows me so well, that what ever that happens to me is the best possible thing that could have happened to me, far better then I ever could have imagined.

Right now, I'm really stressed about money. Money for college. More stressed about it than I ever have been. Why must there be a holiday season for shopping? But God will take care of me, for I am a child of the light.

God, I pray you can help me out with this wisdom tooth, so I can get it out without missing two days of classes and paying so much extra for the return fare. If I don't get it out soon, I am not sure what will happen to my teeth in general. God, please be with me.

Victoria, Victoria

My name is really beautiful, I think. I hadn't really thought about it as much until recently. I wonder what must the Americans think when I introduce myself as Victoria. That name is just too classy for me, for this short little awkward looking Asian girl. How do they feel when they call me Victoria? Is it strange? That name sounds so beautiful, how do I live up to it? Victoria. Victoria. It is so beautiful. It has its own entity. Victoria Victoria. It is so special.

VICTORIA. Victoria. 


What if my name wasn't that, and it was something else, like Jackie, Laura, Stephanie, Karen, Mary, Carla, or something else?

Jackie Jiang, Laura Jiang, Stephanie Jiang, Karen Jiang, Mary Jiang, Carla Jiang.

I like Victoria Jiang. I'm Victoria Jiang. Call me Victoria. Call me Tori. Call me Tori, because I'm Victoria.

It's 4am

It's 4am, and I just got a notification that someone liked my photo. It was a photo from high school prom. This guy "liked" it and he commented something kinda creepy. I'd be much less concerned if it wasn't 4am. Why is he looking at my pictures at 4am? I'm a little scared.

And I wonder if this is the attention that would come if I dressed myself up, lost some weight, and put on make-up. I don't think I can handle this attention; it scares me.

Anxious Heart

God, please help me. Please watch over this distressed spirit. It seems things haven't changed that much for me. I still search for satisfaction through grades and human praise. God, am I pleasing You? Jesus, am I being your faithful bride?

Her name is Carmen

I see God working wonders in this young soul. Her heart softened, as smooth and airy as cappuccino. Hosanna! Hosanna in the highest!

A Fetus Reference

My heart is tender, my heart is weak. I feel like it is an amniotic sac, so fragile, so delicate.

A part of my testimony

My heart pounds at the thought of marrying Jesus. How wonderful, how beautiful, how awesome is that for how undeserving I am! I know that the baptism won't make God's grace any more abundant, God's mercy any more enduring, God's love any more infinite. I know the baptism won't make me any more wiser, any more better, stronger, richer, happier than anyone else. The baptism won't make those things happen. Baptism isn't what gave me salvation. Baptism doesn't mean I'll be more loved, or less sinful. Baptism doesn't mean I'm better than other people. It's me, being born again. It's me, admitting my life is nothing without Jesus. It's me admitting I once was dead, but it is through Christ, that I live again. And in this new life, may God be seen through my actions, my words, my existence. May I be an example of Him. May I imitate Him. May I never cease to work towards His image. I know I am not perfect, I know I am not smart enough or strong enough or wise enough or anything enough to ever do all the great things God wants me to do. But I know this along with the truth that God can do all those things, and God is always with me. I am not alone. God is my treasure which cannot be stolen from my heart, cannot be broken from my life, cannot be worn away.

God Loves Me, This I Know

The Bible doesn't need to tell me this for it to be so. God loves me, this I know, but I can't even begin to imagine how great His love is. God loves you more than you even know love. It's like how a father loves his baby. His baby may cry for his father and giggle at the sight of his face, at the comfort of his warm embrace, but the baby has no idea how great the love the father has. I know God loves me. Even though I became ugly with my sinful thoughts and actions, He still loves me.

First Disappointment

My heart was hurting so much after tonight, and I guess I took some silly photos on facebook, made some small online messaging, and an international student seems to be warming up to the fellowship! all those things didn't make my heart hurt less, but it helped me forget about the aching. And I reconciled with a brother and I gave encouragement to another sister who I have great respect and admiration for. All those things gave me comfort and I managed to close me eyes and sleep.

But the fire alarm went off at 5am and after it was over and everyone was back in their beds, I closed my eyes but my heart just hurted as much as before if not more. I can't sleep because of that sadness. It's not a heart attack or something physically dangerous I think.

But my heart hurts for very valid reasons. Yesterday it hurted because I was selfish, rude, and a waste of space. Today, it hurts because people in my fellowship didn't care. And now I am upset. Because I brought a guest, a new prospective member of InterVarsity to the InterVarsity potluck dinner. Their response was nothing. They did nothing, they had their own conversations and ignored us. They did nothing. I don't give a damn if my spiritual gift is evangelism or not, it is hard and scary for me to talk to people, to initiate conversations. I sacrifice a lot of my own comfort to make others feel comfortable. While I'm not the best at evangelism, I'm not even particularly good, but I know I try very very hard for my standards and previous experience and I force myself to do those things, because I know this body belongs to Jesus and I want it to be used for him. I don't care if my spiritual gift is evangelism and theirs is in worship or planning or preaching or sweeping the damn floor, if there is someone new, you make them feel comfortable. You don't shun them and ignore them and make them feel like an outsider. Maybe, just maybe, that would happen at a pagan event where everyone minded their own business and did their own thing, but we were at a church! We just had dinner! Our last teaching at large group was about bringing UNITY in the fellowship! My heart hurts. What is wrong with these people? Why are they so ignorant, so blind? Maybe they were mad at me because I brought a guest to the event, but she had the permission. Maybe they were mad at me because I added a chair to the table and they had to waste their energy scooting their chairs, maybe that's why they behaved that way. Maybe they were like that because ... because they were just damn ignorant. My heart hurts. Fix me, God, and give me more love for the family, give me more patience to endure this, give me the Holy Spirit and more strength to motivate change. I'm afraid I'm asking for too much. God, just give me the Holy Spirit, the rest will simply follow and fall in place.

Asian Fantasy

"I'm so jealous of you", she said. "You know, every guy has an Asian fantasy. I don't know one guy that hasn't thought about gettin' it with an Asian before"

"I've asked some American guys and, yea, they said they like Asian people, but they are not ideal for girlfriend or marriage", he explained.

Does my personality mean nothing in this world? There is a lot of sacrifice for even an ABC to marry an American; it's waving goodbye to a huge chunk of possibility of getting closer to my native language, culture, people. It's a huge sacrifice and a huge difference in lifestyle! I never thought it was possible until I came to Carbondale, but I can be satisfied living in a small town. And I think I am willing to make the sacrifice of abandoning my culture for an American. But I never really considered the other perspective, the other possibility that they don't want anything to do with Asians. That there is still a high level of racism and tension against the Asians and white people.

I wish I knew why it's so much harder to bond with white people. I wish there wasn't even a difference. God, it hurts my heart to find that some guys won't even consider me just because I am Asian. In an evolution/adaptation standpoint, my weaknesses: my height, my lack of curvature. My possible strengths: intelligence is not too bad, personality-wise most people would say I am nice, sweet, or kind

Maybe it's because my eyes don't look like the ocean, or a burning fire, or like the grass or anything special. Maybe it's because my hair is boring, too straight, too common, depressing even. Maybe because my nose is too flat, my eyes are not round enough, my checks are not high enough, my chin is not sharp enough.

There have been many moments when I just want to go back to the M.A.C. store and show them the picture of my prom night and say, "can you work that magic again? I want to look beautiful." But right now, as I look the normal way I look, natural and without makeup, touch-up, etc, no one stops for a split second to stare at me, to look at me, to notice me, to glance at me. But if I did get the right make-up and if I did look like how I did at prom night every night and if that did make people stop to stare, to look, to notice, to glance, to trip-fall-and-die, to talk to me, to flirt with me, to hit of me, to ask me out, to take me to dinner, to buy me drinks, to hold the door open, to make detours, go out of their way just to see/talk/be around me.. then I would not be satisfied. Maybe I would be happy for a moment. But if there is a guy I like and he is unresponsive to me until I get that "make-over", and suddenly he has interest and does a lot of things to get my attention, then I would be extremely unsatisfied. Because I don't want people to like me because of my face, I wish my heart was good enough to make people want to stay around me. I wish my heart was good enough to catch a guy's attention, to have him stop and think "wow" I wish I were that impactful, that significant.

God is better than Santa: A Rant

I've always heard about other people's spiritual gifts and I've wondered about what my spiritual gift was, but I never found a definite answer for myself. I always felt like there was something suspicious, or at least, worth mentioning about my slumber. When I sleep, I lose myself. It's like I'm not even there when I go to sleep. In the dorms, there are drunks coming in at 2am, 3am, 4am, 5am, even 7am every other night if not every, but I never hear them. My suite-mate was crying and yelling in the bathroom the other week, but I didn't have the slightest clue. At first, I felt like it really was another one of God's blessings, because I get peace when I sleep and nothing really wakes me up besides the fire alarm and my cellular alarm. Now I know it is out of my control, and I am not sure if it is a blessing anymore.

 In my silliness, I wonder if it could be an evil spirit. Because apparently,when I still slept at home, I did a lot of crazy stuff in my sleep. Like, opening my eyes, sitting up, talking to people, screaming, yelling, swearing, talking to an unidentifiable entity, and mumbling random incoherent sounds. Is that the way God is speaking to me? Or is something really weird going on? I really want to know what happens when I sleep, but I have no idea. Whenever I wake up with a massive headache for no reason, I can usually conclude or assume with a good deal of confidence that I had some big movements in my sleep.

But besides that weird sleep thing, I didn't really think I had anything special, nothing like a spiritual gift. Yesterday, at bible discussion, my small group leader prayed for me and she prayed about my efforts in evangelism. And it was like my heart jumped, 'how did she know!' I had someone else pray about it at church last week, too. I found myself facing an ocean of people in desperate need of Jesus, but they don't even know. And this is the best thing that's ever happened to me, how dare I be so selfish and keep the good news all to myself? This is better than someone passing out money, better than someone giving job interviews, than some scholarship that every applicant is guaranteed to win-- this is salvation, eternal life, reconciliation with God! My bible discussion leader and another leader suspect that my spiritual gift is evangelism. "WOW!", I said. I swear if I had taken a picture of my face, my jaw was probably on the floor. "WOW!", I said again. I am so humbled, what an amazing gift. What a great honor and blessing if that is really what God gave me. She said they had noticed me when I was still new to the church and to the discussion group that I .. did somethings that made them believe that was my gift. Still, I don't want to get big-headed. If that actually is my spiritual gift, that would be utterly amazing, but a lot of pressure there. But I won't be doing this alone! I have God! And I will so sincerely pray for the Holy Spirit to give me the right words to say, because I know I won't have the right words.. God, use me! Use my body, my voice, my mind, my soul to its fullest capacity, to its fullest potential to serve.

I gave my testimony the other week to my bible study group (bible study and bible discussion are two different groups of people) and I said some really wise stuff I didn't even really consider about before that night. "The closest thing I had to God was Santa Claus, and why I say Santa was the closest thing I had to a God was because what I knew about Santa, he knows every thought you thinking, every word you've spoken, every action you've done and he judges you for them. And with Santa it always felt like he never visited me because he never forgave me for the bad things I did. But I knew Santa wasn't God. .....Something in me, I always felt like someone created me, like someone was watching over everything I did.  So I knew of a God. But I didn't know about Jesus. And if you don't know Jesus, you don't know how much God loves you." I said that myself, but I was so shocked when I said it. Was that the Holy Spirit? Was than my brain over-exerting itself? I've never even thought about that before but the words came out of my mouth with so much conviction. I was crying and bawling and snot was every where, but it felt so good. I've thought about my testimony before, but no matter how much I rehearsed it in my head or recalled the process it took for me to meet Jesus, it was nothing like what I said that night. I never thought I could cry and laugh and grit my teeth all at the same time. That testimony night, I invited a girl, a fairly new believer who had some issues with her testimony, but she didn't come. I suppose she was afraid she would be asked to give her testimony or she was afraid the hear other people's testimonies or she was afraid to face the fact that InterVarsity was a great place, not like what she expected. "I don't know a single person that doesn't love their testimony, because each one is so unique so beautiful", said by some guy at InterVarsity. Seriously, amen to that.

She had a problem with her testimony because she felt like it wasn't as dramatic as other people's and she didn't really have to go through as big of a change as a lot of the other people we've heard about who had a life of drugs, alcohol, abuse, gambling, etc etc But over the weekend at InterVarsity's fall conference, I had this tiny epiphany. Every single person, when they chose to accept Jesus into their heart and to make that commitment, they are admitting something has been wrong in my life, my life is so wrong without Jesus, I need Jesus, I NEED JESUS to fix me. Last month an atheist/agnostic group on campus went around with chalk and posters with the slogan "You don't need God to be good" And that was exactly linked to my testimony. Before I became a Christian, if any other non-believer had seen me, they might have thought I was good. I didn't do drugs, I didn't drink alcohol, I didn't smoke, I had good grades, I was well-mannered, I made friends-- but there was so much that was wrong with me. I could have lived the rest of my life, never meeting Jesus, never acknowledging God, and I could have lived, could have had very happy moments, but honestly it wouldn't be enough. Especially know that I have what I have because of Jesus, I can't even go back there to when I didn't know Jesus. I can't go back and be satisfied. We might not need God to be socially accepted as good, but we definitely need God for so much more.

And I think if after you've accepted Christ, you feel that you haven't changed much from before then there are ONLY three posibilities. (1)You aren't looking hard enough, ask someone else and surely they'd tell you that you've changed a lot. (2)You haven't been making efforts to transform your life, to renew your soul! Go read the Bible and be imitator of God. (3)You're really dense. Once you've received "instructions" to change, you still don't. You don't strive better yourself and you've grown satisfied with being a sinner. You've given up trying to change. I think I've gone through all three and I'm not saying that I won't occasionally feel a glimpse of 1,2,or3, but that's probably why someone might not have noticed change in themselves after some time they've accepted Christ.

Jesus, the best guy I know

Three more months of being 18. So weird to be 19. I guess I'm still pretty young.

At church, there were a bunch of babies. And if I would say for my preference, the youngest I'd want to be to have a kid is probably 24. I mean 24 would be my preferred minimum. And 24, that is 6 years from now. Six years may or may not sound like a lot, but it'll come fast. Six years ago, I was in seventh grade, the thought of college seemed so far away and unimaginable/abstract. I though it would take forever for college to come, but here I am sitting in the stereotypical wooden chair (that really hurts your butt) and typing away on the wooden table. I still remember a lot of stuff from 7th grade, I don't remember 7th grade like it was very far away. Some moments still feel fresh, like all I need to do is to call on those memories and the concept of time just felt off.

 I hope that I could have a kid by thirty. Thirty, that is twelve years from now. Twelve years ago, I was six, I was in 1st grade or perhaps I just graduated kindergarten. That seems a little further than 7th grade, but I'm sure that'll come soon too. I'm glad I get to measure time by how much I've already spent. But it really forces me to realize how short life is. I'm glad Jesus has got me an eternity in heaven. Jesus, the best guy I know.

bluntly true

I think my heart is hurting, but I have no actual reasons for these feelings to hold. It's not a sharp pain, but like a slow and sad pounding. And I don't know how to solve this. I can't even tell what's wrong.

My best guess, it's probably because I feel a lot of pressure from school work, scholarships, flying well tomorrow and it just makes me more on the edge. Like a chain for my lips got worn out and I am ready to say some really mean things.

I'M NOT A FREAKIN' DOOR MAT!

Some options I have:
-eat with the girl that is never stops to push me closer to the edge at dining halls
-go to the party with the girl that is selfish and totally takes advantage of me
-go to the international student bible study, where I may be still in a down mood and just ruin things for people
-go to the gym and run for an hour
-start on the scholarship paper

my heart is hurting, I don't want to choose. Is something wrong? Did someone die? break a leg? an arm? I wish I had someone I could just complain to. I can't call Kelly because she's busy, but I don't think she can do anything to help me anyways, no one can. And I don't write that in a depressing and dramatic way, but I say it bluntly as it is true.

I know I can complain to God, and maybe I'm not praying right now because I don't realize the power of prayer. Maybe it means my love for God isn't strong enough that I don't believe in His ability to solve.

What is there to fear if God is with us? What is there to stop us when God is for us? I don't know? But it seems that I still have anxiety deep deep in my heart that is upsetting me.

Prayer for Love and Wisdom

When I have weakness in my heart, and I find my fellow brothers and sisters shying away from a good relationship with me, Lord, I pray that You give me more love. That if I have a brother who stepped on my foot or spat at my words, Lord, I pray that You give me more love. That my nature to wickedness, my inclination to evil, my resistance to You, God, would be all cast aside! I pray that You give me more love when I find it irritating to listen to a sister, to look at a brother, to even be in the same room as one. I pray for more love, because I once was dead, but now I live because Christ lives in me. I pray for more wisdom, I pray for the Holy Spirit to come to me and give me the right words to say to my non-believing friends and other new Christians. I pray that everything I've done and will do has been and will be according to Your will. The evil that easily fills my heart, rip it open if you must, so that all the evil may leave it. And I pray for more patience in finding the right church. Because some times I feel like a wall flower, a lot of times I feel like I don't really know those people and they're trying excessively hard to look perfect and it is starting to annoy the hell out of me because they start sounding like robots, like they have no soul, like they're just imitations of each other, like the words that come out are recorded on a tape and is looped to play on forever and ever. Lord, the bad thoughts I have, I want to pray them away. The bad things I still am, I pray them away. I wish I knew what I am doing right now.

Startle

I kept staring at the picture, because I looked just like my mom when she was younger, except my mom was prettier and skinnier, lighter skin. It's like my mom is in that picture, hanging out with my friends. It's like I stole her face. And when I look at the picture that is like a reflection of her, I think, "wow, so beautiful" but not because I think I am beautiful, but I recognize and my mom's face when she was younger, when she was my age. I wish she could see this too, it's amazing me, startling me.

When I look

I have my mother's cheeks.

Dear World

I want to say "Dear World, you have misjudged me! You have underestimated me!"

Cannibis

I can quickly recognize the scent. It's all over campus.

No Voice in My Head

I think God has been speaking to me everyday, I was just listening from the wrong sources. When I calm down and just sit there, I see God had already answered my prayers, my questions. I think today, God has been trying to tell me very bluntly "YOU'RE SO OBLIVIOUS! I'M RIGHT HERE!" haha. So much comfort from my Lord, my King that I do not deserve at all.

The Right Pick

You know you've picked the right major, when you look at others and you pity them thinking, "It's so unfair for them, that I love my major." I am so lucky to love what I study, to study what I love. But I am not trying to be cocky, because I've definitely had my fair share of devastation, hopelessness, and readiness to cry and run to bed and curl up in a ball.

"Doing what you love is the only way you'll succeed" I told a high schooler who told me his parents wanted him to be a doctor instead of a pilot. And I believe that with all my heart, just sometimes.. things get so difficult you forget how lovable something is. Just gotta step back, take a breather.

I look at the other students in other majors, and I pity them because I'm in aviation. But I do it with the hope that when they look at me, they pity me because they're in civil engineering/social work/vocal performance/biochemistry/agriculture/etc. I am so glad I get to do what I love. Now I pray God, that you continue to bless me, let me stay here.

Singularity: Recipe for a Guilty Suspect

One thing I absolutely despise about being single is when the women think I am after their men. I hate it, absolutely hate it. Don't confuse my kindness as flirting. Don't confuse my gentleness as being lovedrunk. Don't confuse it! Don't confuse it!

 I place a large part of the blame on the guy. He thinks he is all that. He thinks he is a great find.

He must think I really admire him. He must think that I think he is so amazing, like the best thing I've ever heard of. He must think I couldn't handle the kindness that he showed for that brief moment. And in many ways he is a great guy. I can't find anything wrong with him except that he thinks of himself very highly. But even if a guy was an ideally perfect bachelor, it doesn't mean I would like him. Even if a guy was hunted down and stalked by lists of girls, it doesn't mean I would like him. Those feelings just come, not like something I can really control. And honestly, I feel absolutely nothing like that for him. Never even a thought of it, seriously.

And I can just feel it, he thinks I'm obsessed. He thinks I'm in love with him. Oh, Lord! I feel like I am being framed! Like they are stuffing a dead cat down my throat! I don't like him! But it feels like I'm being talked about. It feels like I'm being looked down on. It feels like my long held reputation of being clean, innocent, and untouched has been reduced to a desperate, scheming, boyfriend-stealing little Asian girl. I don't want that to be me. His only problem, narcissism, is hurting me. I am so glad my Lord knows my innocence. My Lord knows I would never dare to break people apart, to plot such wickedness, to shame Him like that.

He is such a nice person to talk to. I really appreciate having him as a friend, thinking of him no more than being another brother in Christ because he had my back and I intended to have his. But his narcissism, it is so dumb. I don't think I have ever ever ever ever flirted with him. And I am quite disturbed to even think that I may have given off that sort of vibe.. Ugh.. Disgusting, disturbing, despicable. I honestly hope I am not being used to make the girlfriend try harder to please him. I honestly hope the guy wakes up from his narcissism. I hope the girl realize my innocence. But if none of that happens, I am glad my Lord knows. Because that is all that matters, what my Lord knows. He knows my heart. But I don't think He would want misunderstandings to float around, especially since we are supposed to be the body, especially since we go to the same church.

Answered

Overwhelmed by God's grace. I am so sorry for my laziness. I am so glad that You love me none the lesser.

"I don't believe in any gods; I believe in myself", the spiritually blind woman said.

Oh Lord, how would I have ever gotten where I am without You in my life. How you have blessed me! You are greater than other idol or entity! How easy it is for me to bring praise when all is well! I am truly truly grateful. Please, never let this grace leave my sight.

Status

Is it weird to update your relationship status on networking websites? I feel awkwardness in updating mine. In the past I didn't update it as single because I had this gut feeling I would be single for a long long time and I would appear lame.

But now, I feel like if I put my status as single, I am appearing desperate, telling the facebook world that I am available.If they want to know if I have dated before, they could simply look at my profile pictures and note that there has ony been me. Singular. Not plural. Just me. I was never paired, I have been single, I am the sock without a match. I am a single, alone, by myself.

And I feel like putting my orientation makes me seem obnoxious and desperate. "I am interested in men and I am single" that sounds so wrong. I am seeking relationship or friendship. Flat out, weird! Even having it say "Interested in: Men" Men isn't really my hobby.. It's not like I'm interested in cooking, watching movies, chemistry, the architecture of Chicago.. Being interested in men sounds so.. questionable and strange.

Silence

As I proclaim my engagement, my readiness, to marry Jesus, I can feel Satan preparing to strike me, to tempt me, to tear me away. I want to say, "Jesus, I will carry my cross this time around. I won't let go, I'll latch onto you like a parasite to its host, like a drip of water to a dry sponge, like those sticky part that binds the paper to the water bottles. But like Carrie Underwood's song Jesus Take the Wheel had said, "I can't do this on my own" I am more ready, because I won't be alone."

Thinking Home

Thinking about home, the first thing I imagine is the small orange card-board box, filled with mail, unopened electrical, medical, gas bills, unpaid-for credit card bills, mortgages, possibly tickets, and many many more that require urgent attention. It's a burden to think about those things, it's a burden to wonder if one day I get a scholarship award and I lose it because the envelope was never opened.

Thank goodness my God is greater than my clutter, my messes, my failures.

Marry me, Jesus!

If I do get the opportunity, I only want to date Christians because nothing is more important to me than God. And I cannot let anyone pull me away from Him. No one! No one! No one! God is good, all the time! All the time, God is good! This sheep learned so much over the weekend. This sheep, who once was lost, realized that she didn't just find her shepherd randomly, but it was Jesus who brought her back to the good shepherd. It was Jesus, sent by God, that brought me back to Him. It is by grace, and grace alone. And I need, absolutely need, to show Jesus my love.

Jesus, in our relationship, if I evaluate the perspectives: my commitment, my concentration, my effort, my love.. then I would say that we have been dating for the last several years. But now I want to propose an engagement! I want to be faithful to you, I want to be yours forever. I want to marry you and I am surprised that we haven't! Let the wedding bells ring!

Sudden Symptoms of a Crush

Very sensitive, very observant, very responsive. "So, Victoria! Who do you like? Jacob! You think he's cute? Or, do you like Grape Juice!" Wow at how fast he spoke and my heart skipped some beats at the shock of what he asked. Really shocked. I guess that was his kind rejection. Him, saying, "Don't like me! Don't like me! Please, don't like me!" I was going to say " I like you!!!" as a joke, but he didn't let me finish. Maybe he was afraid to hear it, even if it weren't true.

I thought about it more before I went to sleep, after I woke up, and during my walk to classes. I need to set him straight. I need to tell him not to worry about me fantasizing about him, not to worry about me falling in crush/like/love with him. Because these symptoms he may have noticed, these signs I had that may have suggested a crush was developing/ has developed, weren't completely true. He is so awesome, so funny, so freakin' funny, and I just like being around him. I like listening to him talk. And it is very likely that even I may have confused that as being a crush for several moments, but in conclusion, I am really grateful to have met him. I want him in my life, and I don't know how to say that or mean that without any relationship/reference/hinting to it being a crush.

And I told them I've never dated, never had sex. So if he really asked that for the sake of asking it, then I can only reason logically that.. in a girl's life.. if she has never dated for eighteen years, just because there are new guys in her life, it doesn't mean she's gonna start dating.

It doesn't mean the problem was the guys in my life. All along, the problem has been me.

I've been the problem. I've been the reason why I've never dated. I've been the reason why I was never a girlfriend. I've been the reason.

And I really want to confide in him, tell him what I'm feeling like he is my dear friend. I want to tell him that, I'm feeling like I won't find anyone to date in college either. Because everyone else here is concerned only about sex. Those who have had it are looking for more. Those who haven't are so desperately looking for some. And then there's me, one that doesn't want it at all... that is until I'm married.

 God doesn't want me to be desperate, and I am saying this not because of any feminist opinions, but because  God really doesn't want me to chase after men.


³⁴  An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. ³⁵ I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.

1 Corinthians 6:34-35

God, I still do hope and expect to get married some day. But I completely acknowledge the possibility of that not happening at all. Haha.

Very short

"If others can do it, why can't you?"

"It's not laborious if you love it"

I don't want to know the statistics of how many college students changing their majors. I don't want to know how many people drop out of aviation their first year. I don't want to doubt myself.

The past week, I have just been complaining about how hard the workload has been and how bad I have been performing. But I have such great support, such awesome people around me. And I have this brain that has been drilled to the core, the mushy core to memorize better, to function better than others. That beautiful mushy brain. Crystallized intelligence and fluid intelligence, one weaker than the other, I really made it. I really made it out of that hole. Now it seems that I've just been standing there, kicking dirt around, burying my feet because it's easier to be in a hole. But I don't want to be in the hole. I'm already so short.

Sweetness

Open the eyes to my heart, Lord
Open the eyes to my heart--
I want to see You

So much

There's so much to learn, Lord. I am so excited! To swim like the fishes, to fly like the birds, to sing like the wind, to run like the cheetah! All these wonderful gifts, I want to know them all!

Give your life to God

God, I feel like there is nothing that would make me turn away from You. I don't think there is anything on this Earth that could do that, nothing You created can make me think that. I really want to say that I can do anything for You, I really want to believe that I will do anything for You-- and so far I do, or at least I believe so.

God, I will offer my life. I will do my very best to stop those bad things I do. I will come to hate myself for every time I lie, deceive, or bring shame to You. I've also been the sheep that tried to be its own shepherd. Jesus, You are the good shepherd. Please let me never lose sight of You. I don't know why I ever would, that sounds so stupid, but a lot of stupid things happen. I, the present me, just knows that if I were lost, I'd be very afraid, desperate, and devastated. And I know how much You would want me back, not that I am the best little sheep, but because You love me. God, I will try to be a good sheep. I will try to stop those bad habits, ignoring You when You tell me not to do things.

And that thing that has been bothering my heart for so long. "Give your life to God", Jaeson Ma judged me. He judged me, God! Another sheep judged me! He was so proud, preaching to us. He was so proud that he can shout out to thousands and even millions of people that he 'loves Jesus Christ'. He was so proud that he proved that he gave his life to You. Although You can already read my heart, my thoughts, my logic, my meaning, I need to write this out for myself. I don't think everyone need to be a preacher or pastor to give his/her life to You. I don't think everyone needs to go on missions to Africa or make Christian cds or host worship concerts. I mean, if giving their life to God meant being in the "religion"-field, then wouldn't all Christians aim to become pastors, deacons, and other members of the church? Then there would be no more mailmen, no more janitors, no more ice cream men, no more teachers, chefs, electricians, doctors, poets, artists, etc.

 God, I can do whatever You ask of me to do, but I don't know what You want. I've never felt that anything was impossible for me, I just have that cockiness. I'm that cocky sheep that plays humble and tries to be its own shepherd. I really enjoyed being a student leader, giving small spiels about the gospel, making one-minute-bibles, telling others about God. And when I was at the Intervarsity Fellowship, I listened to the student lead a sermon and I thought "wow, I can do this" I mean.. with God's help.. He was in engineering, but he led a sermon. God, I also want to show others that way I see You. I want others to see how great Your love is. I want others to at least see what I see. But I don't believe that the only way to offer my life to You is by becoming a specific member of the church. God, I can offer up my life in all my actions, interactions, and words. I can do my best to reveal You in me.

On campus, there are three things I really love 1. Going to church 2. Learning to Fly 3. Talking about God

The Vine's pastor said to us, "You all think you came to Carbondale for school, but God has a greater plan in store for you." It kinda creeped me out. I indeed did come to Carbondale for school, but I have God with me wherever I go.. But I guess ever since I came here, my spiritual life has only grown and gotten stronger. Carbondale is my hidden gem. I'm a bit afraid of Your plan, but I am sure that You, indeed, do have a greater plan for me.

 I can admit it now and say it loud in Roman Times font, I can live here, in Carbondale, the countryside, the cornfield, the everything that Chicago already has plus more, except stars in a night sky, for the rest of my life. I can give up Chicago, my family, my sister, my friends, my history, if that is what you want. I can give up all of my friends, every single one, even the ones that made me laugh, cry, scream, and jump. There is none I love more than You, God. Writing it all down feels so much better.

 And I'm still fearful in saying this, but I love You more than my sister. I fear because I know You have the ability to take her away from me to test me. But God, I can never leave You. She is second to You, God. If it weren't for You, we would have still hated each other. We would have no bond, no smiles, no jokes, no care. We would have been strangers to each other, possibly even enemies. God, I love You very much. I can't speak for You and no one can speak for You, Lord. And I don't know what You want from me yet. God, you are my only God, my greatest love, but I really believe that I don't need to seek employment from church to give You my life. God, You already have it. But I don't want to speak for You and say that I am going to be a pilot. My heart has been so disturbed by that concert, I can't tell if being a pilot is just what I want or if it's what You've decided is best for me. I really can't tell.

Go Ahead, Damn Me

Don't judge me by the things I couldn't control, don't judge me by the choices I didn't make. But instead, judge me by my actions, my words, my works, my change, my efforts. You can even judge my weight because God has given me the ability to control it. I don't have a crazy fast metabolism, nor do I have an incredibly slow one. God has given me the ability to control my body, to show that I truly care about myself. Except my giant calves, those, I were born with, so don't judge me for those. But if you do judge me for those things I couldn't control, like my calves, my heritage, my face, my age, my background, my height, my passion, my dreams, then.. I don't know. I can't do anything but to ask you not to, but if you do anyways, then I don't know.

Then I suppose you should go ahead, judge me by my height. And damn me because I can never find pants my length. Damn me because my parents gave up their dignity to provide for me. Damn me because I'm Yellow. Damn me because I have ten toes, four eyes, two arms, one nose. Damn  me because I have variation in my skin. DAMN me because I'm belly button in. DAMN ME BECAUSE I CAN READ BETTER, SPEAK BETTER, ACT BETTER THAN YOU. Damn me, because I try so hard. Damn me, because of my big ass heart that still has room to forgive you.

no baby no more

it's not missing the convenience of home, nor is it missing the presence of family, but it's realizing that I'm no baby no more that gets to me most. I almost can't believe that I've made it this far, not as if I am very successful or accomplished, but I'm in college. You know you're old, when your kids are in college. You know you're old when your kids have kids. You know you're old when your kids' kids have kids. Less than 6 hours, but I already yearn for home. Dropped off at a wild place, I worry. This is supposed to be one of the best times of my life, but this is where I stand now. And where I stand now stands for the end to being a baby. I'm no baby no more, no matter how much I'd want to fall into regression, no matter how much I need, no matter how much I cry. I'm no baby no more. Or at least, no one will recognize me as one.

Pray that I find my niche, pray that I find balance and comfort. Pray that This pause in my heart, this traffic in my mind will play, will drive, will do whatever it does to go away. Pray for no drama, pray for no danger. Pray for this baby that is no baby no more.

Lil Dreamer

I haven't felt as close to God for a long time. And I haven't received that sort of attention from church in an even longer time. Jireh truly has become a family for me, where there are moments of ecstatic high and periods of heat wave tension. But I think true love is knowing all those flaws, having all those bad experiences, and still, wanting to go back to it. Now I look back and I wished I had tried harder on every one of my activities and involvements with Jireh. I'm glad with what I have contributed, but I really do wish I had more time with Jireh. I'm actually that old, and before I know it I'll be 20, 30, 40, 50! I'll think back and I will truly yearn for these days, yearn for every moment I didn't yearn over before. I will yearn for this day, this hour, this very moment as I write this blog. I believe that if I stay in this path, in God's light, I will have a life of much less yearning for the past. What a cliche blog entry, what a fearful, sad, worried mind.

Discovery

We've finally reached our hands to the ends of our pockets. We're out and we just discovered that we invited bloodsuckers into our family, our home, our life.

So wierd,,,,,

it's like seeing an ex- going out with your close friend. How awkward... this feeling like I lost him even though I don't really want him to be mine. This feeling of bewilderment with a glint of relief. Like.. how did he ever get over me? Or.. was he even ever obsessed over me? Feels like everything was fake.. and now disturbing. But, the feeling that ends this thought is relief, so I am glad. I am relieved. I am glad that I am relieved. I am so relieved.

Freshman Infinity

Damn, I got treated today.

"I have a feeling you're going to get Freshman 20"

I really hate it when people underestimate me. Why can't I open that jar of pickles? Why can't I drink that cup of ketchup? Why can't I fly a plane? But I do have a very narcissistic part of me, a princess-disease. It is a part of me now, but it was me completely before. And this narcissistic part of me lives on despite all my failures and losses. And despite all my wounds, bruises, and scars, I still think I can win. I always think I can win.

Now, I am slightly afraid of this narcissism going out of control. Slightly afraid to validate this wild imagination of my strength in will and endurance. Afraid to look down upon my legs to confirm if they are still running.

currently

Indigesting

In Sin's Den

Solomon prayed for wisdom, but I don't think I need any more wisdom. I don't mean that I am a genius, but I'm fine where I am at. I'm fine, losing my wallet every once in a while. I'm fine, getting over-charged at Joy Yee Plus. I'm fine, losing arguments and predictions. Instead, I pray for faith to endure. It's what I need the most. Because right now, every open crevice of my heart gets filled with hate.

Today, I saw the den of sin. It was beautiful. And it should be beautiful because it costed families.  And for many moments, I envied the den, every square foot, inch, and centimeter. Everything about that den was beautiful, luxurious, and unimaginable. But I was also very afraid. Because sin is such a short-term pleasure. It is such an intense short-term pleasure, that I am afraid of its temptations. But besides the hate in my heart, the words I shouldn't say, I have greed. I want luxury in this short-term life. I want all those gorgeous things. So I desperately pray for strength. Right now, I don't even have enough faith in myself to make a solemn promise. My heart is much weaker now. I've become scum.

And I want people to be able to see God in me. I want a forgiving heart, a sincere mouth, a caring ear, observant eyes-- I want all those things that would make me the best servant I can be. After a full day of internet disconnection, I've had the time for more consideration. And now that I've calmed down, that beautiful house isn't that great. All their riches doesn't make them wealthy. And I should recommend no one to work for them as I should invite those to church instead. Do I bring my pagan friends in front of buckets of gold and tell them to give that up for something they can't see? I'm afraid that I'm not convincing enough. Satan is powerful with his spectacles and material goods, but Jesus is almighty. So give me strength, for I am still weak. Strength to not greed, not steal, not deceive, not hate, not covet, not plot evil.

If I am

I am really ashamed. I should get struck by lightning, land on a pile of poop and drown in it. And that would be a decent death. If everything I do is because of my family, and everything my family does is all because of me, then I should get stomped on by a stampede of elephants.

I feel really ashamed. It wasn't even something I did, yet I feel like crying. I feel regretful and sorry. I feel stupid and ugly. God, I wish these bad feelings away like they were a bad cold. I wish these bad feelings away like they were cancer, like they were a tumor, a cyst, a 6th toe. I wish I can say I had the right to wish these feelings away. I wish I could say, it wasn't my burden, my responsisbility, my family. It wasn't my family that stole from you yesterday, it wasn't my mom that said it was alright. It wasn't me, that walked away with yours, smiling and happy. It wasn't me. She'll forgive me, but I'll still feel like crap. He'll forgive me, but I'll still feel like crap. I'll forgive him, but I'll still feel like crap. I think I feel worse than crap. Because.. how bad can crap really feel? I mean.. it's turd, it's poop, it's excretion. If I were a piece of poop, I don't think I'd feel that bad.. I think poops are carefree and laidback, they just sit there, in the cold, in the sun, in the grass, in the street. I don't feel like crap. I feel terrible. I wish I felt like crap.

Esos

I don't know why my mom's voice annoys me so much. I hate it when she calls to tell me she's ready to begin her journey home. I hate it when she walks out to me at about 9 or 10 to tell me to go to sleep. I hate it when she yells from the kitchen to get more food when she doesn't have a clue or give a crap about how much I already have on my plate. I hate it when she lies to me about the garbage she puts in the soup. I hate it when she talks, when she wakes up, when she hogs the bathroom, when she tells me to eat some food, to loose some weight and announces to the entire family and her friends and co-workers of my stupid goal of being healthy and beautiful. Damn, I'm so ugly right now. What sins am I committing? Dishonoring my parents? letting the sun set on my anger night after night? harboring negative thoughts on others? I suppose it's all of the above.

God, I look around me and I see this mess and my reality's clutter is becoming a teratogen to my fetal brain. God, there's so many papers to read, documents to file, mail to open, food to throw, garbage to clean, clothes to find, shit to do. I should never swear with God, but this mess is eating me up. I think it's mostly an excuse for me to displace my concerns. And I'm becoming less nice, less forgiving, less considerate, less real. I'm becoming a terrible person. I want to move out. Ok, maybe moving out isn't the goal I'm reaching for, but it's the things that I assume would come with it, a clean slate. I'm sure there will be moments once my parents are gone and I'm all alone, I'll reminisce this condition, but what I really need right now is stability. I need more faith, I need something to look at as I'm walking. I feel like I'm drunk, staggering from point to point, half-assing at everything and barely getting by. I need stability, I need to feel in control.

Dude

Summer, come and make me Fall.

December

In that little corner of the round table, I saw how I didn't fit in with everyone. I had nothing to say to them, and they had nothing they wanted to know about me. I nonchalantly ate my meal, poured my own juice, and kept quiet to myself as they chitter-chattered amongst each other about topics I had no interest in. But obligated to react, I'd occasionally throw a smile or an  "oh".They, my supposed, brothers and sisters were just strangers to me. Well, not complete strangers, but people that have to say they love each other. Surely, I did not hate these brothers and sisters, but I was the granny smith of the fuji sack, the banana hanging in a peach tree. And for five years, I stuck with these people, because of love. I loved these brothers and sisters although I have little to say to them. I loved watching them, entertaining them, and showing them how God has changed me. But there have been many moments that lead me back to that day, when I hated the family, moments that lead my back to that day when I had no respect for any of those fuji apples, moments that lead me back to that day when I wanted to stay in my bunk bed until the bus came to pick us up.

It makes me laugh in disgust, the things they talked about and the pride they took in having those conversations. "AA, you know has been with BB" "Of course I know, I also know about AA and CC and with FF" "But I heard LL was with HH" "No, no no, that would never happen" So the entire table sat there, excited about the gossip and use of code names so other tables and I would not understand.  And I realized how little I knew about these people, how I never expected these brothers and sisters to have incest-ful feelings towards each other. 'Wow, these people, they're really stupid.', I thought. And I suddenly realized that I should care, I should be curious about my siblings. And so I concluded with, 'I don't belong here, what the hell am I doing here?'

Dot

God, I am so unhappy. But I still feel blessed.

Pop

I'm not sure if I'm misunderstood, but the idea has been planted. I want to be asked to prom.

Tori-drama

I think I fall in love every time I watch a drama. Ok, maybe not every single one,  but the comedy romance ones with a prince-charming. I did grow up with Disney princesses and Barbie dolls. And although I've yet to date, I feel like I've already been dumped an unfair number of times. I guess I fantasize and fall into imagination love. I'm crazy! And currently, I am getting over my "false" feelings for Hyun Bin from Secret Garden.

I love watching dramas and the heartbreak won't keep me from watching them, but they do tire me out. It saddens me that the Prince-charmings belong to ash-girl and there is no way for me to even want Prince-charming after the series of love, misunderstanding, betrayal, despair, and the final revelation. Of course, there is the overbearing evil status-hungry Queen that disapproves of ash-girl. But they get over her too. 

And I think, now, I'm stuck in this fantasy. 

Brewing

Feverish and cold, I want to go home. Dry eyes and chapped lips, I push my way to 7th period. It's too painful to blink, too hot to breathe, but I need to keep going. Because all my life, it has always been about school. How can I fail now that I'm old and hopeless? It'll be fine because I thrive under pressure. I thrive, I say I say. I thrive.

Thanks

God, thank you for manga.

Influx

 I think my fatal flaw is my uncontrollable tendencies to obsess, to plan, to know the BIG FIX. Maybe that should be corrected, not flaw but 'flaws'. This happens to me all the time, but I feel as if it's starting to take over me. It's becoming harder and harder to differentiate the dreams I dream from the truth I live. It sounds silly, perhaps even ridiculous, but it's really bothering me.

I don't want to have OCD. I don't even want to be associated with that acronym. Because those people are always annoying and nobody wants to be around them. I don't want to be that douchebag. I don't want to be the  party-pooper. I really don't understand my peers and their values. This doesn't apply to everyone, I know, but it does feel like majority of my school. Why do we need to smoke, drink and have sex to be considered fun? I honestly never really cared if other people did those things, but I just don't want to do them. Smoking killed the grandfather I loved. Drinking killed the uncle I never really got to know. And sex.. well sex just seems to be the most pointless of them all. Sex-- it's just body parts touching. Sex is like my finger poking your belly button but with different anatomical structures. It sounds so stupid. Some call it beautiful, but I find sexual organs to be incredibly disgusting.

Maybe something is wrong with me. Maybe I lacked some estrogen as a baby. Maybe I don't know why. I really wish those things didn't matter. And  hate it even more when teachers refer to those things as if they're normal. Maybe I grew up in the wrong time period. But which time period would be suitable for this selfish, judgmental brat?

My Brain is Mush

Prolonged pressure. My body wearing away from my negligence and abuse. My mind is resisting my will, fluttering in class and dead by noon. My heart has become timid, afraid to ask, to seek, to even hope. God, I am so scared. I wish I had more faith and be an ignorant person. I wish I gave more effort to our relationship so these trivial things would not matter as much to me.

God, what is your plan for me? What will happen tomorrow? The day after? And the one after that? God, I am like a small child, constantly questioning without even a thought for conclusion. I despise this state of mine. I loathe myself for the dignity I gave up.

Is this a hormonal thing and I'm stuck at a mood-swing? Or is this a result of my poor judgement and idiocracy? I'm sorry, I've been a bad child. I'm sorry that I've said so many sorries, that it doesn't even look sincere anymore. What can I say? I'll change, God. I'll better myself. I'll never think of it again. But I don't know. I possess a back stabbing heart. I just keep cutting into your heart, taking selfish joy in your pain. I'm not even sure why I am so upset anymore. Pray that this is just bad timing.

Celebrasian

Am I better than 1 in 100 Asians?

Broken

I just can't feel safe anymore. Not behind these doors, not behind these walls- I can't find comfort in my own home. God, I hate those kids. I honestly wish they were dead so I wouldn't have to be afraid. I honestly wish I knew that they were dead. And it would truly make me happier. God, am I failing? I think so.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

TORI YOU FREAKING SUCK UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Sabotage

I can't trust my mom with my food.. she is trying to fatten me up. I feel disgusted

I do, maybe

He got down on one knee and held up an onion ring, asking, "Tori, will you marry me?". Everyone around us laughed, but I felt like he was serious.

It's been four years since then. Now we barely know each other.

Over

Please don't break our window again. I'm going crazy, expecting it, fearing it.

I must confess

that I fall in love with my imagination.

Pessimism for a Bit

Afraid, afraid for what's coming. Eighteen, when did I get so old? Those are big numbers, but surely I don't feel like I look the part. I don't look old enough to be feared or respected, yet I don't look young enough to be spoiled and favored. I look like a punch bag. And I've really come to hate my wardrobe. I hate the large-sized, ketchup-stained t-shirts I got from volunteering, I hate the rugged, mud-stained sweat pants I  always sport. I hate the think glasses that I always drop and break and mend and drop. I hate the hair that needs full-blown maintenance just to look damaged and greasy. I hate the pores that never seem to shut or close for business. I hate the nails that chip and break like no mercy. But I'll chose to look ugly now. I let my hair split, let the color die. I'll wear the large shirts and gross pants. I'll wear the thick and heavy glasses. I'll let the nails break. I'll chose  to look ugly now. But someday, I hope I can feel beautiful again. I hate sweat pants.

Three Wishes

I always held a sort of envy for people who are musically trained. Jealous of their ability, or their uncanny posture, and participation to an exclusive culture and way of expression. Jealous of their parents that pushed them to excellence, jealous because I know I'm not capable of it. If I had three wishes, I'd wish for world peace, end to world hunger, and weirdly.. for more Christian brothers and sisters. And if I were to keep going, there'd be a lot more like no more rape, no more kidnapping, no more racism, no more littering, no more smoking and drug use, etc. But my  first selfish wish, all just for me. I'd wish everyone had the musical talent. I wish I had an instrument. I guess I had the flute. That was fun while it lasted. I'm too wishful.

Body

God, have I been faithful in Your tests? In moments of weakness, you  test my faith. In moments of strength, you let my ego soar. God, I pray that I won't get dragged down again, my flesh clutched by the zipper of some rusty chain.

Ah, my heart and it's unrest.

Devastation

"AHH!", I want to scream.
Tears, I want to cry.
Babies, I want to smash (not really).

But I won't. Because I'll do whatever God has chosen for me, because He only has love for me. Pure, unfailing, awesome love. 

I just pray, with a little hope, that God chose me to fly.

Dear God

why have you given me this beautiful dream, and this wretched body that can't fulfill it?

I dream a dream

I dreamt a dream. In that dream that I dreamt, I killed that scrawny white boy with my bare hands. 

Hello, someone just broke our home

What was once an invincible and mighty refuge, has been exposed as the piece of trash it really was. I'm awake now and I see that we live in an ignorant world full of uneducated fools that think it is 'cool' to taint the world of wretched stains and to take away every last bit of comfort from souls finding no hope for humanity. That impending sound of hard object going against hard, but fragile surface, is one that none of us could ever forget. Where even the lightest hint of it, will bring us back to that uneventful night of the attack.

Boom! Oh, ****. Is it him again?
BOOM! This is a threat.
****,****,****. This is a robbery.
Was that a brick, a bullet, or a baseball bat?
Is it the Wii, the laptop, or the flatscreen tv?
Shattered pieces everywhere.
****, where the hell is the phone?
****,****,****
"Mom! Phone, right now! 9-1-1, 9-1-1!
      "What is it?"
"9-1-1, damn it!"
"Hello, someone just broke our home"

leave

Life, life, where have you gone?
World, world, what have you become?
Joy, joy, when did you die?