Thanks

God, thank you for manga.

Influx

 I think my fatal flaw is my uncontrollable tendencies to obsess, to plan, to know the BIG FIX. Maybe that should be corrected, not flaw but 'flaws'. This happens to me all the time, but I feel as if it's starting to take over me. It's becoming harder and harder to differentiate the dreams I dream from the truth I live. It sounds silly, perhaps even ridiculous, but it's really bothering me.

I don't want to have OCD. I don't even want to be associated with that acronym. Because those people are always annoying and nobody wants to be around them. I don't want to be that douchebag. I don't want to be the  party-pooper. I really don't understand my peers and their values. This doesn't apply to everyone, I know, but it does feel like majority of my school. Why do we need to smoke, drink and have sex to be considered fun? I honestly never really cared if other people did those things, but I just don't want to do them. Smoking killed the grandfather I loved. Drinking killed the uncle I never really got to know. And sex.. well sex just seems to be the most pointless of them all. Sex-- it's just body parts touching. Sex is like my finger poking your belly button but with different anatomical structures. It sounds so stupid. Some call it beautiful, but I find sexual organs to be incredibly disgusting.

Maybe something is wrong with me. Maybe I lacked some estrogen as a baby. Maybe I don't know why. I really wish those things didn't matter. And  hate it even more when teachers refer to those things as if they're normal. Maybe I grew up in the wrong time period. But which time period would be suitable for this selfish, judgmental brat?

My Brain is Mush

Prolonged pressure. My body wearing away from my negligence and abuse. My mind is resisting my will, fluttering in class and dead by noon. My heart has become timid, afraid to ask, to seek, to even hope. God, I am so scared. I wish I had more faith and be an ignorant person. I wish I gave more effort to our relationship so these trivial things would not matter as much to me.

God, what is your plan for me? What will happen tomorrow? The day after? And the one after that? God, I am like a small child, constantly questioning without even a thought for conclusion. I despise this state of mine. I loathe myself for the dignity I gave up.

Is this a hormonal thing and I'm stuck at a mood-swing? Or is this a result of my poor judgement and idiocracy? I'm sorry, I've been a bad child. I'm sorry that I've said so many sorries, that it doesn't even look sincere anymore. What can I say? I'll change, God. I'll better myself. I'll never think of it again. But I don't know. I possess a back stabbing heart. I just keep cutting into your heart, taking selfish joy in your pain. I'm not even sure why I am so upset anymore. Pray that this is just bad timing.

Celebrasian

Am I better than 1 in 100 Asians?

Broken

I just can't feel safe anymore. Not behind these doors, not behind these walls- I can't find comfort in my own home. God, I hate those kids. I honestly wish they were dead so I wouldn't have to be afraid. I honestly wish I knew that they were dead. And it would truly make me happier. God, am I failing? I think so.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

TORI YOU FREAKING SUCK UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Sabotage

I can't trust my mom with my food.. she is trying to fatten me up. I feel disgusted