First Disappointment

My heart was hurting so much after tonight, and I guess I took some silly photos on facebook, made some small online messaging, and an international student seems to be warming up to the fellowship! all those things didn't make my heart hurt less, but it helped me forget about the aching. And I reconciled with a brother and I gave encouragement to another sister who I have great respect and admiration for. All those things gave me comfort and I managed to close me eyes and sleep.

But the fire alarm went off at 5am and after it was over and everyone was back in their beds, I closed my eyes but my heart just hurted as much as before if not more. I can't sleep because of that sadness. It's not a heart attack or something physically dangerous I think.

But my heart hurts for very valid reasons. Yesterday it hurted because I was selfish, rude, and a waste of space. Today, it hurts because people in my fellowship didn't care. And now I am upset. Because I brought a guest, a new prospective member of InterVarsity to the InterVarsity potluck dinner. Their response was nothing. They did nothing, they had their own conversations and ignored us. They did nothing. I don't give a damn if my spiritual gift is evangelism or not, it is hard and scary for me to talk to people, to initiate conversations. I sacrifice a lot of my own comfort to make others feel comfortable. While I'm not the best at evangelism, I'm not even particularly good, but I know I try very very hard for my standards and previous experience and I force myself to do those things, because I know this body belongs to Jesus and I want it to be used for him. I don't care if my spiritual gift is evangelism and theirs is in worship or planning or preaching or sweeping the damn floor, if there is someone new, you make them feel comfortable. You don't shun them and ignore them and make them feel like an outsider. Maybe, just maybe, that would happen at a pagan event where everyone minded their own business and did their own thing, but we were at a church! We just had dinner! Our last teaching at large group was about bringing UNITY in the fellowship! My heart hurts. What is wrong with these people? Why are they so ignorant, so blind? Maybe they were mad at me because I brought a guest to the event, but she had the permission. Maybe they were mad at me because I added a chair to the table and they had to waste their energy scooting their chairs, maybe that's why they behaved that way. Maybe they were like that because ... because they were just damn ignorant. My heart hurts. Fix me, God, and give me more love for the family, give me more patience to endure this, give me the Holy Spirit and more strength to motivate change. I'm afraid I'm asking for too much. God, just give me the Holy Spirit, the rest will simply follow and fall in place.

Give your life to God

God, I feel like there is nothing that would make me turn away from You. I don't think there is anything on this Earth that could do that, nothing You created can make me think that. I really want to say that I can do anything for You, I really want to believe that I will do anything for You-- and so far I do, or at least I believe so.

God, I will offer my life. I will do my very best to stop those bad things I do. I will come to hate myself for every time I lie, deceive, or bring shame to You. I've also been the sheep that tried to be its own shepherd. Jesus, You are the good shepherd. Please let me never lose sight of You. I don't know why I ever would, that sounds so stupid, but a lot of stupid things happen. I, the present me, just knows that if I were lost, I'd be very afraid, desperate, and devastated. And I know how much You would want me back, not that I am the best little sheep, but because You love me. God, I will try to be a good sheep. I will try to stop those bad habits, ignoring You when You tell me not to do things.

And that thing that has been bothering my heart for so long. "Give your life to God", Jaeson Ma judged me. He judged me, God! Another sheep judged me! He was so proud, preaching to us. He was so proud that he can shout out to thousands and even millions of people that he 'loves Jesus Christ'. He was so proud that he proved that he gave his life to You. Although You can already read my heart, my thoughts, my logic, my meaning, I need to write this out for myself. I don't think everyone need to be a preacher or pastor to give his/her life to You. I don't think everyone needs to go on missions to Africa or make Christian cds or host worship concerts. I mean, if giving their life to God meant being in the "religion"-field, then wouldn't all Christians aim to become pastors, deacons, and other members of the church? Then there would be no more mailmen, no more janitors, no more ice cream men, no more teachers, chefs, electricians, doctors, poets, artists, etc.

 God, I can do whatever You ask of me to do, but I don't know what You want. I've never felt that anything was impossible for me, I just have that cockiness. I'm that cocky sheep that plays humble and tries to be its own shepherd. I really enjoyed being a student leader, giving small spiels about the gospel, making one-minute-bibles, telling others about God. And when I was at the Intervarsity Fellowship, I listened to the student lead a sermon and I thought "wow, I can do this" I mean.. with God's help.. He was in engineering, but he led a sermon. God, I also want to show others that way I see You. I want others to see how great Your love is. I want others to at least see what I see. But I don't believe that the only way to offer my life to You is by becoming a specific member of the church. God, I can offer up my life in all my actions, interactions, and words. I can do my best to reveal You in me.

On campus, there are three things I really love 1. Going to church 2. Learning to Fly 3. Talking about God

The Vine's pastor said to us, "You all think you came to Carbondale for school, but God has a greater plan in store for you." It kinda creeped me out. I indeed did come to Carbondale for school, but I have God with me wherever I go.. But I guess ever since I came here, my spiritual life has only grown and gotten stronger. Carbondale is my hidden gem. I'm a bit afraid of Your plan, but I am sure that You, indeed, do have a greater plan for me.

 I can admit it now and say it loud in Roman Times font, I can live here, in Carbondale, the countryside, the cornfield, the everything that Chicago already has plus more, except stars in a night sky, for the rest of my life. I can give up Chicago, my family, my sister, my friends, my history, if that is what you want. I can give up all of my friends, every single one, even the ones that made me laugh, cry, scream, and jump. There is none I love more than You, God. Writing it all down feels so much better.

 And I'm still fearful in saying this, but I love You more than my sister. I fear because I know You have the ability to take her away from me to test me. But God, I can never leave You. She is second to You, God. If it weren't for You, we would have still hated each other. We would have no bond, no smiles, no jokes, no care. We would have been strangers to each other, possibly even enemies. God, I love You very much. I can't speak for You and no one can speak for You, Lord. And I don't know what You want from me yet. God, you are my only God, my greatest love, but I really believe that I don't need to seek employment from church to give You my life. God, You already have it. But I don't want to speak for You and say that I am going to be a pilot. My heart has been so disturbed by that concert, I can't tell if being a pilot is just what I want or if it's what You've decided is best for me. I really can't tell.

Go Ahead, Damn Me

Don't judge me by the things I couldn't control, don't judge me by the choices I didn't make. But instead, judge me by my actions, my words, my works, my change, my efforts. You can even judge my weight because God has given me the ability to control it. I don't have a crazy fast metabolism, nor do I have an incredibly slow one. God has given me the ability to control my body, to show that I truly care about myself. Except my giant calves, those, I were born with, so don't judge me for those. But if you do judge me for those things I couldn't control, like my calves, my heritage, my face, my age, my background, my height, my passion, my dreams, then.. I don't know. I can't do anything but to ask you not to, but if you do anyways, then I don't know.

Then I suppose you should go ahead, judge me by my height. And damn me because I can never find pants my length. Damn me because my parents gave up their dignity to provide for me. Damn me because I'm Yellow. Damn me because I have ten toes, four eyes, two arms, one nose. Damn  me because I have variation in my skin. DAMN me because I'm belly button in. DAMN ME BECAUSE I CAN READ BETTER, SPEAK BETTER, ACT BETTER THAN YOU. Damn me, because I try so hard. Damn me, because of my big ass heart that still has room to forgive you.

If I am

I am really ashamed. I should get struck by lightning, land on a pile of poop and drown in it. And that would be a decent death. If everything I do is because of my family, and everything my family does is all because of me, then I should get stomped on by a stampede of elephants.

I feel really ashamed. It wasn't even something I did, yet I feel like crying. I feel regretful and sorry. I feel stupid and ugly. God, I wish these bad feelings away like they were a bad cold. I wish these bad feelings away like they were cancer, like they were a tumor, a cyst, a 6th toe. I wish I can say I had the right to wish these feelings away. I wish I could say, it wasn't my burden, my responsisbility, my family. It wasn't my family that stole from you yesterday, it wasn't my mom that said it was alright. It wasn't me, that walked away with yours, smiling and happy. It wasn't me. She'll forgive me, but I'll still feel like crap. He'll forgive me, but I'll still feel like crap. I'll forgive him, but I'll still feel like crap. I think I feel worse than crap. Because.. how bad can crap really feel? I mean.. it's turd, it's poop, it's excretion. If I were a piece of poop, I don't think I'd feel that bad.. I think poops are carefree and laidback, they just sit there, in the cold, in the sun, in the grass, in the street. I don't feel like crap. I feel terrible. I wish I felt like crap.

Esos

I don't know why my mom's voice annoys me so much. I hate it when she calls to tell me she's ready to begin her journey home. I hate it when she walks out to me at about 9 or 10 to tell me to go to sleep. I hate it when she yells from the kitchen to get more food when she doesn't have a clue or give a crap about how much I already have on my plate. I hate it when she lies to me about the garbage she puts in the soup. I hate it when she talks, when she wakes up, when she hogs the bathroom, when she tells me to eat some food, to loose some weight and announces to the entire family and her friends and co-workers of my stupid goal of being healthy and beautiful. Damn, I'm so ugly right now. What sins am I committing? Dishonoring my parents? letting the sun set on my anger night after night? harboring negative thoughts on others? I suppose it's all of the above.

God, I look around me and I see this mess and my reality's clutter is becoming a teratogen to my fetal brain. God, there's so many papers to read, documents to file, mail to open, food to throw, garbage to clean, clothes to find, shit to do. I should never swear with God, but this mess is eating me up. I think it's mostly an excuse for me to displace my concerns. And I'm becoming less nice, less forgiving, less considerate, less real. I'm becoming a terrible person. I want to move out. Ok, maybe moving out isn't the goal I'm reaching for, but it's the things that I assume would come with it, a clean slate. I'm sure there will be moments once my parents are gone and I'm all alone, I'll reminisce this condition, but what I really need right now is stability. I need more faith, I need something to look at as I'm walking. I feel like I'm drunk, staggering from point to point, half-assing at everything and barely getting by. I need stability, I need to feel in control.

December

In that little corner of the round table, I saw how I didn't fit in with everyone. I had nothing to say to them, and they had nothing they wanted to know about me. I nonchalantly ate my meal, poured my own juice, and kept quiet to myself as they chitter-chattered amongst each other about topics I had no interest in. But obligated to react, I'd occasionally throw a smile or an  "oh".They, my supposed, brothers and sisters were just strangers to me. Well, not complete strangers, but people that have to say they love each other. Surely, I did not hate these brothers and sisters, but I was the granny smith of the fuji sack, the banana hanging in a peach tree. And for five years, I stuck with these people, because of love. I loved these brothers and sisters although I have little to say to them. I loved watching them, entertaining them, and showing them how God has changed me. But there have been many moments that lead me back to that day, when I hated the family, moments that lead my back to that day when I had no respect for any of those fuji apples, moments that lead me back to that day when I wanted to stay in my bunk bed until the bus came to pick us up.

It makes me laugh in disgust, the things they talked about and the pride they took in having those conversations. "AA, you know has been with BB" "Of course I know, I also know about AA and CC and with FF" "But I heard LL was with HH" "No, no no, that would never happen" So the entire table sat there, excited about the gossip and use of code names so other tables and I would not understand.  And I realized how little I knew about these people, how I never expected these brothers and sisters to have incest-ful feelings towards each other. 'Wow, these people, they're really stupid.', I thought. And I suddenly realized that I should care, I should be curious about my siblings. And so I concluded with, 'I don't belong here, what the hell am I doing here?'

My Brain is Mush

Prolonged pressure. My body wearing away from my negligence and abuse. My mind is resisting my will, fluttering in class and dead by noon. My heart has become timid, afraid to ask, to seek, to even hope. God, I am so scared. I wish I had more faith and be an ignorant person. I wish I gave more effort to our relationship so these trivial things would not matter as much to me.

God, what is your plan for me? What will happen tomorrow? The day after? And the one after that? God, I am like a small child, constantly questioning without even a thought for conclusion. I despise this state of mine. I loathe myself for the dignity I gave up.

Is this a hormonal thing and I'm stuck at a mood-swing? Or is this a result of my poor judgement and idiocracy? I'm sorry, I've been a bad child. I'm sorry that I've said so many sorries, that it doesn't even look sincere anymore. What can I say? I'll change, God. I'll better myself. I'll never think of it again. But I don't know. I possess a back stabbing heart. I just keep cutting into your heart, taking selfish joy in your pain. I'm not even sure why I am so upset anymore. Pray that this is just bad timing.

Body

God, have I been faithful in Your tests? In moments of weakness, you  test my faith. In moments of strength, you let my ego soar. God, I pray that I won't get dragged down again, my flesh clutched by the zipper of some rusty chain.

Ah, my heart and it's unrest.

Dear God

why have you given me this beautiful dream, and this wretched body that can't fulfill it?

leave

Life, life, where have you gone?
World, world, what have you become?
Joy, joy, when did you die?

Get Away

I feel a disturbance in my sanity, in my mind, and in my heart. Of all the things that went wrong today, that would have made the old me insane, one of those things persists to disturb my heart. I'm not a slut. But talking to him makes me feel like one. The low and deep mono-tone voice he utters, the glances he makes... it disturbs me. Did he just ask me out? Did I just agree? But it's my job to agree, so now I feel like a slut. I feel like I've betrayed myself to achieve a purpose. I've sold false emotions and sincerity to get people to like me and hopefully to stay longer.

I'm not trying to sell myself, but I feel like I just did. Every second of that conversation was disturbing to me. Why does he persist? Why am I obligated to respond, to contact him, to get him to talk to me? Has romance been officially ruined for me? I feel so disturbed, like I just experienced a moment no one ought to experience. Perhaps, the child walking in on the parents, or the parents walking in on the child. Both, disturbing. Motor neurons moving at the speed of light, 8.00x10^3 m2/s, from the cerebellum to the muscles of your hands screaming,"Cover your eyes! No, cover your ears! NO! COVER THEM BOTH!" I feel disturbed, like someone just stepped into my personal bubble and took a dump in it.

God, moments like this, I wish I was married already. I wish I had already found "Da One". Would he protect me from this awkwardness.. I'd expect that from a marital status. As everyone frolicked around the room, I considered making up a relationship. I guess it's not like I'm that great either. While I know that I'm not perfect, I feel no justification to be..open to just anyone. I guess I'm still a child, and I'm okay with that. I just need to get away