After walking across the stage, being handed the piece of paper that wasn't my diploma, I continued to the line of professors who held their hands and arms out to meet the new graduates. I walked to Dr. Horton and she gave me a massive hug. I felt so happy. I continued to walk and shake hands and receive pats on my back. "This one. She is the one I was talking about. She would've been perfect, but she's not going to grad school."
I can hold onto that for now, but after a while, I will be forgotten. Many other great students will come forth and they will do great things. Then holding onto this praise would be worthless. My pride is probably one of my biggest thorns. For so much of my life, I chased and ran desperately after being the prize in people's memories, if even for a faint moment. Oh, what I wouldn't do. I loved it. It was like a drug. But it became a bad drug, when I needed it more than I needed anything else.
I love being prized. I love being valued as worthy. I love taking breath away.
But my world has been changing. He calls me, that I might set my gaze on him. He tells me I am worthy. He takes my breath away each day. My joy and my deep satisfaction comes from seeing His will done.
Showing posts with label random. Show all posts
Showing posts with label random. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
HIS BRIDE (a rant)
At the identity workshop, one woman asked, "How can I become a strong Godly single woman?" So we entered into the topic of singleness.
There is some talk of, "You're single, because you're not ready for a relationship yet and God is having you wait for your own good." Or it's like you're in a car ride, constantly asking, "are we there yet?" and God is the annoyed parent, who tells you to wait. Or there is the circular, you'll have a boyfriend/husband, when you stop looking. Ugh.. I just want to vomit. These words, I've probably said before, but now I'm sick of hearing them.
God made marriage, and He loves marriage. I don't want to grow bitter towards relationships, but I hate how the desire for marriage/dating takes so much attention (even my own). Our lives do not revolve around being in a relationship. We are not in this season of singleness-trial because God desires to whip us in shape for a Godly husband. A marriage relationship between a man and woman is just an attempt to imitate the slightest fragment of the covenant marriage that we are waiting for, as God's bride. The fact is that no marriage between man and woman will fully capture, nor come close, to the relationship God has with us.
I believe that you can date/marry someone even when you're not "ready." What is ready? No one is going to enter into any relationship with no sin issues, baggage, or false expectations. We try our best, and even that will fail sometimes.. but in our failures, we keep trying because of the hope that was given to us from what was accomplished through Jesus'. We wait expectantly and confidently for our groom to return to us. We wait faithfully and boldly for the one we love. Even in dating and marriage, that person I date/marry should challenge me to love God more. The point is not to be his bride, but to be His bride. and likewise for women.. we should help our brothers to love God more, to faithfully wait, too.
As long as we look at a singleness circumstance as, 'I am single because I am not ready to be in a relationship,' we are going to miss the point and do a huge disservice to women who are single. This idea insinuates a defect in single women, and women in relationships have "passed the test." A woman who is dating or in a relationship will continue to face trials, struggles, and testing.
'I am being worked on because the way that I am currently is not going to produce a healthy relationship. I will trust in God's timing and pruning' We are not pruned for marriage to another human being, we are pruned to likeness with Christ.. and that would result in good things, and we should love others better if we are more like Christ. I've seen plenty of amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, incredibly faithful and spiritual women single in later ages.
But as always, this anger and upset-ness I feel says more about my judgments of myself and where I have been in this thought process. I am more angry with myself than I am with the words that were said in the workshop, angry that I have missed the mark for so long.. angry that I'll still struggle and miss the mark despite knowing this intellectually to some capacity.. angry that although this is something I know and remember right now, I might doubt, forget, and wrestle with this for the rest of my life, but I am willing to wrestle until my groom returns.
There is some talk of, "You're single, because you're not ready for a relationship yet and God is having you wait for your own good." Or it's like you're in a car ride, constantly asking, "are we there yet?" and God is the annoyed parent, who tells you to wait. Or there is the circular, you'll have a boyfriend/husband, when you stop looking. Ugh.. I just want to vomit. These words, I've probably said before, but now I'm sick of hearing them.
God made marriage, and He loves marriage. I don't want to grow bitter towards relationships, but I hate how the desire for marriage/dating takes so much attention (even my own). Our lives do not revolve around being in a relationship. We are not in this season of singleness-trial because God desires to whip us in shape for a Godly husband. A marriage relationship between a man and woman is just an attempt to imitate the slightest fragment of the covenant marriage that we are waiting for, as God's bride. The fact is that no marriage between man and woman will fully capture, nor come close, to the relationship God has with us.
I believe that you can date/marry someone even when you're not "ready." What is ready? No one is going to enter into any relationship with no sin issues, baggage, or false expectations. We try our best, and even that will fail sometimes.. but in our failures, we keep trying because of the hope that was given to us from what was accomplished through Jesus'. We wait expectantly and confidently for our groom to return to us. We wait faithfully and boldly for the one we love. Even in dating and marriage, that person I date/marry should challenge me to love God more. The point is not to be his bride, but to be His bride. and likewise for women.. we should help our brothers to love God more, to faithfully wait, too.
As long as we look at a singleness circumstance as, 'I am single because I am not ready to be in a relationship,' we are going to miss the point and do a huge disservice to women who are single. This idea insinuates a defect in single women, and women in relationships have "passed the test." A woman who is dating or in a relationship will continue to face trials, struggles, and testing.
'I am being worked on because the way that I am currently is not going to produce a healthy relationship. I will trust in God's timing and pruning' We are not pruned for marriage to another human being, we are pruned to likeness with Christ.. and that would result in good things, and we should love others better if we are more like Christ. I've seen plenty of amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, incredibly faithful and spiritual women single in later ages.
But as always, this anger and upset-ness I feel says more about my judgments of myself and where I have been in this thought process. I am more angry with myself than I am with the words that were said in the workshop, angry that I have missed the mark for so long.. angry that I'll still struggle and miss the mark despite knowing this intellectually to some capacity.. angry that although this is something I know and remember right now, I might doubt, forget, and wrestle with this for the rest of my life, but I am willing to wrestle until my groom returns.
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Puppy Love: Rant
I never realized how wonderful singleness is.. Yeah, I have my bouts of melodrama, but right now I am so thankful that I have been single. The temptations and risks are in a whole new realm once you're in a relationship.. and I was always living on my own cloud, in my own fantasy world. I literally lived my own fantasy world, role playing online (super vulnerable and embarrassing to share this). Every person I liked/crushed on, I thought I loved them. I thought it was meant to be. I thought it would be forever. If anything like a relationship would've happened for me, I promise you, I would have broken all the boundaries, I would have gone on a totally different track. (Even if that happened, I know there is still healing and life in Jesus, but for sure my story and the areas where I feel broken/far from God would be different.. not less, not more, just different).
I see online, a 17-year-old posting about her devout love for her beloved. I did some FB stalking on the guy, and I see that he has recently been unemployed from McDonald's, his profile picture is a bathroom selfie, his nick name is 'Puppy Love,' and he is 22 years-old (almost 23). Selfies are fine. Puppies are great. Working at a fast food place is cool, too, but something about this collective picture just makes me feel uneasy.. maybe even queasy.
What the hell are you doing with a high-school student, man? This girl has been professing her love on the internet for this guy. It's quite the poetry, but a part of me dies a little.. because she is so over her head for this guy who isn't really as prince-charming as she describes him to be.. I die on the inside, more so, because I know I was there. I was there when I was 17. Shoot, I was there a few months ago. Well not quite in the same way.. but it's scary. When 'love' or 'hormones' or just plain sexual desire blinds you from reality, from common sense, from keeping your integrity and dignity. BLEH.
It's like this spell or this deep sleep that no one can wake you up from, and you don't realize what deep sh*t you've been in until you're out of it. It's like you're trapped in a glass box, only you can leave from the inside. Everyone's tellin' you to get the hell out of there. It's not good for you to be in there. It's not safe for you to be in that place.. but you think it's great, you think it's protecting you even.
But the whole while, Jesus is there waiting.. waiting for you to notice him, waiting so you can see what true love really is.
But the whole while, Jesus is there waiting.. waiting for you to notice him, waiting so you can see what true love really is.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
A Fetus Reference
My heart is tender, my heart is weak. I feel like it is an amniotic sac, so fragile, so delicate.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Asian Fantasy
"I'm so jealous of you", she said. "You know, every guy has an Asian fantasy. I don't know one guy that hasn't thought about gettin' it with an Asian before"
"I've asked some American guys and, yea, they said they like Asian people, but they are not ideal for girlfriend or marriage", he explained.
Does my personality mean nothing in this world? There is a lot of sacrifice for even an ABC to marry an American; it's waving goodbye to a huge chunk of possibility of getting closer to my native language, culture, people. It's a huge sacrifice and a huge difference in lifestyle! I never thought it was possible until I came to Carbondale, but I can be satisfied living in a small town. And I think I am willing to make the sacrifice of abandoning my culture for an American. But I never really considered the other perspective, the other possibility that they don't want anything to do with Asians. That there is still a high level of racism and tension against the Asians and white people.
I wish I knew why it's so much harder to bond with white people. I wish there wasn't even a difference. God, it hurts my heart to find that some guys won't even consider me just because I am Asian. In an evolution/adaptation standpoint, my weaknesses: my height, my lack of curvature. My possible strengths: intelligence is not too bad, personality-wise most people would say I am nice, sweet, or kind
Maybe it's because my eyes don't look like the ocean, or a burning fire, or like the grass or anything special. Maybe it's because my hair is boring, too straight, too common, depressing even. Maybe because my nose is too flat, my eyes are not round enough, my checks are not high enough, my chin is not sharp enough.
There have been many moments when I just want to go back to the M.A.C. store and show them the picture of my prom night and say, "can you work that magic again? I want to look beautiful." But right now, as I look the normal way I look, natural and without makeup, touch-up, etc, no one stops for a split second to stare at me, to look at me, to notice me, to glance at me. But if I did get the right make-up and if I did look like how I did at prom night every night and if that did make people stop to stare, to look, to notice, to glance, to trip-fall-and-die, to talk to me, to flirt with me, to hit of me, to ask me out, to take me to dinner, to buy me drinks, to hold the door open, to make detours, go out of their way just to see/talk/be around me.. then I would not be satisfied. Maybe I would be happy for a moment. But if there is a guy I like and he is unresponsive to me until I get that "make-over", and suddenly he has interest and does a lot of things to get my attention, then I would be extremely unsatisfied. Because I don't want people to like me because of my face, I wish my heart was good enough to make people want to stay around me. I wish my heart was good enough to catch a guy's attention, to have him stop and think "wow" I wish I were that impactful, that significant.
"I've asked some American guys and, yea, they said they like Asian people, but they are not ideal for girlfriend or marriage", he explained.
Does my personality mean nothing in this world? There is a lot of sacrifice for even an ABC to marry an American; it's waving goodbye to a huge chunk of possibility of getting closer to my native language, culture, people. It's a huge sacrifice and a huge difference in lifestyle! I never thought it was possible until I came to Carbondale, but I can be satisfied living in a small town. And I think I am willing to make the sacrifice of abandoning my culture for an American. But I never really considered the other perspective, the other possibility that they don't want anything to do with Asians. That there is still a high level of racism and tension against the Asians and white people.
I wish I knew why it's so much harder to bond with white people. I wish there wasn't even a difference. God, it hurts my heart to find that some guys won't even consider me just because I am Asian. In an evolution/adaptation standpoint, my weaknesses: my height, my lack of curvature. My possible strengths: intelligence is not too bad, personality-wise most people would say I am nice, sweet, or kind
Maybe it's because my eyes don't look like the ocean, or a burning fire, or like the grass or anything special. Maybe it's because my hair is boring, too straight, too common, depressing even. Maybe because my nose is too flat, my eyes are not round enough, my checks are not high enough, my chin is not sharp enough.
There have been many moments when I just want to go back to the M.A.C. store and show them the picture of my prom night and say, "can you work that magic again? I want to look beautiful." But right now, as I look the normal way I look, natural and without makeup, touch-up, etc, no one stops for a split second to stare at me, to look at me, to notice me, to glance at me. But if I did get the right make-up and if I did look like how I did at prom night every night and if that did make people stop to stare, to look, to notice, to glance, to trip-fall-and-die, to talk to me, to flirt with me, to hit of me, to ask me out, to take me to dinner, to buy me drinks, to hold the door open, to make detours, go out of their way just to see/talk/be around me.. then I would not be satisfied. Maybe I would be happy for a moment. But if there is a guy I like and he is unresponsive to me until I get that "make-over", and suddenly he has interest and does a lot of things to get my attention, then I would be extremely unsatisfied. Because I don't want people to like me because of my face, I wish my heart was good enough to make people want to stay around me. I wish my heart was good enough to catch a guy's attention, to have him stop and think "wow" I wish I were that impactful, that significant.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Jesus, the best guy I know
Three more months of being 18. So weird to be 19. I guess I'm still pretty young.
At church, there were a bunch of babies. And if I would say for my preference, the youngest I'd want to be to have a kid is probably 24. I mean 24 would be my preferred minimum. And 24, that is 6 years from now. Six years may or may not sound like a lot, but it'll come fast. Six years ago, I was in seventh grade, the thought of college seemed so far away and unimaginable/abstract. I though it would take forever for college to come, but here I am sitting in the stereotypical wooden chair (that really hurts your butt) and typing away on the wooden table. I still remember a lot of stuff from 7th grade, I don't remember 7th grade like it was very far away. Some moments still feel fresh, like all I need to do is to call on those memories and the concept of time just felt off.
I hope that I could have a kid by thirty. Thirty, that is twelve years from now. Twelve years ago, I was six, I was in 1st grade or perhaps I just graduated kindergarten. That seems a little further than 7th grade, but I'm sure that'll come soon too. I'm glad I get to measure time by how much I've already spent. But it really forces me to realize how short life is. I'm glad Jesus has got me an eternity in heaven. Jesus, the best guy I know.
At church, there were a bunch of babies. And if I would say for my preference, the youngest I'd want to be to have a kid is probably 24. I mean 24 would be my preferred minimum. And 24, that is 6 years from now. Six years may or may not sound like a lot, but it'll come fast. Six years ago, I was in seventh grade, the thought of college seemed so far away and unimaginable/abstract. I though it would take forever for college to come, but here I am sitting in the stereotypical wooden chair (that really hurts your butt) and typing away on the wooden table. I still remember a lot of stuff from 7th grade, I don't remember 7th grade like it was very far away. Some moments still feel fresh, like all I need to do is to call on those memories and the concept of time just felt off.
I hope that I could have a kid by thirty. Thirty, that is twelve years from now. Twelve years ago, I was six, I was in 1st grade or perhaps I just graduated kindergarten. That seems a little further than 7th grade, but I'm sure that'll come soon too. I'm glad I get to measure time by how much I've already spent. But it really forces me to realize how short life is. I'm glad Jesus has got me an eternity in heaven. Jesus, the best guy I know.
Friday, November 11, 2011
bluntly true
I think my heart is hurting, but I have no actual reasons for these feelings to hold. It's not a sharp pain, but like a slow and sad pounding. And I don't know how to solve this. I can't even tell what's wrong.
My best guess, it's probably because I feel a lot of pressure from school work, scholarships, flying well tomorrow and it just makes me more on the edge. Like a chain for my lips got worn out and I am ready to say some really mean things.
I'M NOT A FREAKIN' DOOR MAT!
Some options I have:
-eat with the girl that is never stops to push me closer to the edge at dining halls
-go to the party with the girl that is selfish and totally takes advantage of me
-go to the international student bible study, where I may be still in a down mood and just ruin things for people
-go to the gym and run for an hour
-start on the scholarship paper
my heart is hurting, I don't want to choose. Is something wrong? Did someone die? break a leg? an arm? I wish I had someone I could just complain to. I can't call Kelly because she's busy, but I don't think she can do anything to help me anyways, no one can. And I don't write that in a depressing and dramatic way, but I say it bluntly as it is true.
I know I can complain to God, and maybe I'm not praying right now because I don't realize the power of prayer. Maybe it means my love for God isn't strong enough that I don't believe in His ability to solve.
What is there to fear if God is with us? What is there to stop us when God is for us? I don't know? But it seems that I still have anxiety deep deep in my heart that is upsetting me.
My best guess, it's probably because I feel a lot of pressure from school work, scholarships, flying well tomorrow and it just makes me more on the edge. Like a chain for my lips got worn out and I am ready to say some really mean things.
I'M NOT A FREAKIN' DOOR MAT!
Some options I have:
-eat with the girl that is never stops to push me closer to the edge at dining halls
-go to the party with the girl that is selfish and totally takes advantage of me
-go to the international student bible study, where I may be still in a down mood and just ruin things for people
-go to the gym and run for an hour
-start on the scholarship paper
my heart is hurting, I don't want to choose. Is something wrong? Did someone die? break a leg? an arm? I wish I had someone I could just complain to. I can't call Kelly because she's busy, but I don't think she can do anything to help me anyways, no one can. And I don't write that in a depressing and dramatic way, but I say it bluntly as it is true.
I know I can complain to God, and maybe I'm not praying right now because I don't realize the power of prayer. Maybe it means my love for God isn't strong enough that I don't believe in His ability to solve.
What is there to fear if God is with us? What is there to stop us when God is for us? I don't know? But it seems that I still have anxiety deep deep in my heart that is upsetting me.
Prayer for Love and Wisdom
When I have weakness in my heart, and I find my fellow brothers and sisters shying away from a good relationship with me, Lord, I pray that You give me more love. That if I have a brother who stepped on my foot or spat at my words, Lord, I pray that You give me more love. That my nature to wickedness, my inclination to evil, my resistance to You, God, would be all cast aside! I pray that You give me more love when I find it irritating to listen to a sister, to look at a brother, to even be in the same room as one. I pray for more love, because I once was dead, but now I live because Christ lives in me. I pray for more wisdom, I pray for the Holy Spirit to come to me and give me the right words to say to my non-believing friends and other new Christians. I pray that everything I've done and will do has been and will be according to Your will. The evil that easily fills my heart, rip it open if you must, so that all the evil may leave it. And I pray for more patience in finding the right church. Because some times I feel like a wall flower, a lot of times I feel like I don't really know those people and they're trying excessively hard to look perfect and it is starting to annoy the hell out of me because they start sounding like robots, like they have no soul, like they're just imitations of each other, like the words that come out are recorded on a tape and is looped to play on forever and ever. Lord, the bad thoughts I have, I want to pray them away. The bad things I still am, I pray them away. I wish I knew what I am doing right now.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Startle
I kept staring at the picture, because I looked just like my mom when she was younger, except my mom was prettier and skinnier, lighter skin. It's like my mom is in that picture, hanging out with my friends. It's like I stole her face. And when I look at the picture that is like a reflection of her, I think, "wow, so beautiful" but not because I think I am beautiful, but I recognize and my mom's face when she was younger, when she was my age. I wish she could see this too, it's amazing me, startling me.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Sunday, October 16, 2011
The Right Pick
You know you've picked the right major, when you look at others and you pity them thinking, "It's so unfair for them, that I love my major." I am so lucky to love what I study, to study what I love. But I am not trying to be cocky, because I've definitely had my fair share of devastation, hopelessness, and readiness to cry and run to bed and curl up in a ball.
"Doing what you love is the only way you'll succeed" I told a high schooler who told me his parents wanted him to be a doctor instead of a pilot. And I believe that with all my heart, just sometimes.. things get so difficult you forget how lovable something is. Just gotta step back, take a breather.
I look at the other students in other majors, and I pity them because I'm in aviation. But I do it with the hope that when they look at me, they pity me because they're in civil engineering/social work/vocal performance/biochemistry/agriculture/etc. I am so glad I get to do what I love. Now I pray God, that you continue to bless me, let me stay here.
"Doing what you love is the only way you'll succeed" I told a high schooler who told me his parents wanted him to be a doctor instead of a pilot. And I believe that with all my heart, just sometimes.. things get so difficult you forget how lovable something is. Just gotta step back, take a breather.
I look at the other students in other majors, and I pity them because I'm in aviation. But I do it with the hope that when they look at me, they pity me because they're in civil engineering/social work/vocal performance/biochemistry/agriculture/etc. I am so glad I get to do what I love. Now I pray God, that you continue to bless me, let me stay here.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Status
Is it weird to update your relationship status on networking websites? I feel awkwardness in updating mine. In the past I didn't update it as single because I had this gut feeling I would be single for a long long time and I would appear lame.
But now, I feel like if I put my status as single, I am appearing desperate, telling the facebook world that I am available.If they want to know if I have dated before, they could simply look at my profile pictures and note that there has ony been me. Singular. Not plural. Just me. I was never paired, I have been single, I am the sock without a match. I am a single, alone, by myself.
And I feel like putting my orientation makes me seem obnoxious and desperate. "I am interested in men and I am single" that sounds so wrong. I am seeking relationship or friendship. Flat out, weird! Even having it say "Interested in: Men" Men isn't really my hobby.. It's not like I'm interested in cooking, watching movies, chemistry, the architecture of Chicago.. Being interested in men sounds so.. questionable and strange.
But now, I feel like if I put my status as single, I am appearing desperate, telling the facebook world that I am available.If they want to know if I have dated before, they could simply look at my profile pictures and note that there has ony been me. Singular. Not plural. Just me. I was never paired, I have been single, I am the sock without a match. I am a single, alone, by myself.
And I feel like putting my orientation makes me seem obnoxious and desperate. "I am interested in men and I am single" that sounds so wrong. I am seeking relationship or friendship. Flat out, weird! Even having it say "Interested in: Men" Men isn't really my hobby.. It's not like I'm interested in cooking, watching movies, chemistry, the architecture of Chicago.. Being interested in men sounds so.. questionable and strange.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
So much
There's so much to learn, Lord. I am so excited! To swim like the fishes, to fly like the birds, to sing like the wind, to run like the cheetah! All these wonderful gifts, I want to know them all!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Lil Dreamer
I haven't felt as close to God for a long time. And I haven't received that sort of attention from church in an even longer time. Jireh truly has become a family for me, where there are moments of ecstatic high and periods of heat wave tension. But I think true love is knowing all those flaws, having all those bad experiences, and still, wanting to go back to it. Now I look back and I wished I had tried harder on every one of my activities and involvements with Jireh. I'm glad with what I have contributed, but I really do wish I had more time with Jireh. I'm actually that old, and before I know it I'll be 20, 30, 40, 50! I'll think back and I will truly yearn for these days, yearn for every moment I didn't yearn over before. I will yearn for this day, this hour, this very moment as I write this blog. I believe that if I stay in this path, in God's light, I will have a life of much less yearning for the past. What a cliche blog entry, what a fearful, sad, worried mind.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Freshman Infinity
Damn, I got treated today.
"I have a feeling you're going to get Freshman 20"
I really hate it when people underestimate me. Why can't I open that jar of pickles? Why can't I drink that cup of ketchup? Why can't I fly a plane? But I do have a very narcissistic part of me, a princess-disease. It is a part of me now, but it was me completely before. And this narcissistic part of me lives on despite all my failures and losses. And despite all my wounds, bruises, and scars, I still think I can win. I always think I can win.
Now, I am slightly afraid of this narcissism going out of control. Slightly afraid to validate this wild imagination of my strength in will and endurance. Afraid to look down upon my legs to confirm if they are still running.
"I have a feeling you're going to get Freshman 20"
I really hate it when people underestimate me. Why can't I open that jar of pickles? Why can't I drink that cup of ketchup? Why can't I fly a plane? But I do have a very narcissistic part of me, a princess-disease. It is a part of me now, but it was me completely before. And this narcissistic part of me lives on despite all my failures and losses. And despite all my wounds, bruises, and scars, I still think I can win. I always think I can win.
Now, I am slightly afraid of this narcissism going out of control. Slightly afraid to validate this wild imagination of my strength in will and endurance. Afraid to look down upon my legs to confirm if they are still running.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
In Sin's Den
Solomon prayed for wisdom, but I don't think I need any more wisdom. I don't mean that I am a genius, but I'm fine where I am at. I'm fine, losing my wallet every once in a while. I'm fine, getting over-charged at Joy Yee Plus. I'm fine, losing arguments and predictions. Instead, I pray for faith to endure. It's what I need the most. Because right now, every open crevice of my heart gets filled with hate.
Today, I saw the den of sin. It was beautiful. And it should be beautiful because it costed families. And for many moments, I envied the den, every square foot, inch, and centimeter. Everything about that den was beautiful, luxurious, and unimaginable. But I was also very afraid. Because sin is such a short-term pleasure. It is such an intense short-term pleasure, that I am afraid of its temptations. But besides the hate in my heart, the words I shouldn't say, I have greed. I want luxury in this short-term life. I want all those gorgeous things. So I desperately pray for strength. Right now, I don't even have enough faith in myself to make a solemn promise. My heart is much weaker now. I've become scum.
And I want people to be able to see God in me. I want a forgiving heart, a sincere mouth, a caring ear, observant eyes-- I want all those things that would make me the best servant I can be. After a full day of internet disconnection, I've had the time for more consideration. And now that I've calmed down, that beautiful house isn't that great. All their riches doesn't make them wealthy. And I should recommend no one to work for them as I should invite those to church instead. Do I bring my pagan friends in front of buckets of gold and tell them to give that up for something they can't see? I'm afraid that I'm not convincing enough. Satan is powerful with his spectacles and material goods, but Jesus is almighty. So give me strength, for I am still weak. Strength to not greed, not steal, not deceive, not hate, not covet, not plot evil.
Today, I saw the den of sin. It was beautiful. And it should be beautiful because it costed families. And for many moments, I envied the den, every square foot, inch, and centimeter. Everything about that den was beautiful, luxurious, and unimaginable. But I was also very afraid. Because sin is such a short-term pleasure. It is such an intense short-term pleasure, that I am afraid of its temptations. But besides the hate in my heart, the words I shouldn't say, I have greed. I want luxury in this short-term life. I want all those gorgeous things. So I desperately pray for strength. Right now, I don't even have enough faith in myself to make a solemn promise. My heart is much weaker now. I've become scum.
And I want people to be able to see God in me. I want a forgiving heart, a sincere mouth, a caring ear, observant eyes-- I want all those things that would make me the best servant I can be. After a full day of internet disconnection, I've had the time for more consideration. And now that I've calmed down, that beautiful house isn't that great. All their riches doesn't make them wealthy. And I should recommend no one to work for them as I should invite those to church instead. Do I bring my pagan friends in front of buckets of gold and tell them to give that up for something they can't see? I'm afraid that I'm not convincing enough. Satan is powerful with his spectacles and material goods, but Jesus is almighty. So give me strength, for I am still weak. Strength to not greed, not steal, not deceive, not hate, not covet, not plot evil.
Friday, June 17, 2011
If I am
I am really ashamed. I should get struck by lightning, land on a pile of poop and drown in it. And that would be a decent death. If everything I do is because of my family, and everything my family does is all because of me, then I should get stomped on by a stampede of elephants.
I feel really ashamed. It wasn't even something I did, yet I feel like crying. I feel regretful and sorry. I feel stupid and ugly. God, I wish these bad feelings away like they were a bad cold. I wish these bad feelings away like they were cancer, like they were a tumor, a cyst, a 6th toe. I wish I can say I had the right to wish these feelings away. I wish I could say, it wasn't my burden, my responsisbility, my family. It wasn't my family that stole from you yesterday, it wasn't my mom that said it was alright. It wasn't me, that walked away with yours, smiling and happy. It wasn't me. She'll forgive me, but I'll still feel like crap. He'll forgive me, but I'll still feel like crap. I'll forgive him, but I'll still feel like crap. I think I feel worse than crap. Because.. how bad can crap really feel? I mean.. it's turd, it's poop, it's excretion. If I were a piece of poop, I don't think I'd feel that bad.. I think poops are carefree and laidback, they just sit there, in the cold, in the sun, in the grass, in the street. I don't feel like crap. I feel terrible. I wish I felt like crap.
I feel really ashamed. It wasn't even something I did, yet I feel like crying. I feel regretful and sorry. I feel stupid and ugly. God, I wish these bad feelings away like they were a bad cold. I wish these bad feelings away like they were cancer, like they were a tumor, a cyst, a 6th toe. I wish I can say I had the right to wish these feelings away. I wish I could say, it wasn't my burden, my responsisbility, my family. It wasn't my family that stole from you yesterday, it wasn't my mom that said it was alright. It wasn't me, that walked away with yours, smiling and happy. It wasn't me. She'll forgive me, but I'll still feel like crap. He'll forgive me, but I'll still feel like crap. I'll forgive him, but I'll still feel like crap. I think I feel worse than crap. Because.. how bad can crap really feel? I mean.. it's turd, it's poop, it's excretion. If I were a piece of poop, I don't think I'd feel that bad.. I think poops are carefree and laidback, they just sit there, in the cold, in the sun, in the grass, in the street. I don't feel like crap. I feel terrible. I wish I felt like crap.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
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