Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Summer 2015
My heart is hurt from old wounds. So many wounds, why do they still sting? Hasn't time offered healing?
Summer 2015 was an incredibly difficult summer. Loneliness, anxiety, fear, self-loathing.. Summer 2015; it was an incredibly difficult summer.
I have this unknown and deep fear about attraction. I feel the burden of broken sexuality. The lie that women are hypersexualized. Our bodies are sin-provoking and a danger to man. Our bodies need to be covered up. We can't touch, or we're hussies. We can't be friendly, or we're flirtatious and desperate.
Summer 2015. I was suffocating. My heart hurts from old wounds. Why do they still sting? Hasn't time offered healing?
Summer 2015 was an incredibly difficult summer.
Summer 2015 was an incredibly difficult summer. Loneliness, anxiety, fear, self-loathing.. Summer 2015; it was an incredibly difficult summer.
I have this unknown and deep fear about attraction. I feel the burden of broken sexuality. The lie that women are hypersexualized. Our bodies are sin-provoking and a danger to man. Our bodies need to be covered up. We can't touch, or we're hussies. We can't be friendly, or we're flirtatious and desperate.
Summer 2015. I was suffocating. My heart hurts from old wounds. Why do they still sting? Hasn't time offered healing?
Summer 2015 was an incredibly difficult summer.
Random Rant: Forecast for Flurry
I feel a flurry of emotions. I looked out the window today and the sight was of giant snow flakes indecisively floating in the air with no direction and no cause.
I feel a flurry of emotions. It's building up and the roof is caving in. I am not processing. I am avoiding. I am momentarily unable to react. I am stunned. It's like I'm going on autopilot, bullstg my way through life. I'm counseling young students. I'm leading our leaders. I'm assisting in meetings. I'm participating in events and activities, and I am there.. but so easily I can go through the motions and pray the prayers but be empty inside.
But this time, I'm not empty. I'm quite the contrary, I think. I am full with emotions. Full with feelings. I feel for my students. I feel for my campus. I feel for my cause. I feel for my team. I feel for all the things that haven't come yet. My heart is breaking. I am exhausted from feeling. I am deeply burdened. But my heart is not mending. I am not being renewed. I do not feel lightness in the load that I carry. I suppose the root of it comes from a shallow relationship with God. Maybe because of my sin issues, my fears, my insecurities, my doubts.. I am withholding myself from God. But maybe we're not supposed to be happy all the time. Maybe right now, I am righteously burdened. Maybe my heart is righteously breaking. Nonetheless, I can't sit here forever in hopelessness
Feeling. Feeling. Feeling.
Crying. Crying. Crying.
Lord, would you come? Would you hear my cry and come?
I feel a flurry of emotions. It's building up and the roof is caving in. I am not processing. I am avoiding. I am momentarily unable to react. I am stunned. It's like I'm going on autopilot, bullstg my way through life. I'm counseling young students. I'm leading our leaders. I'm assisting in meetings. I'm participating in events and activities, and I am there.. but so easily I can go through the motions and pray the prayers but be empty inside.
But this time, I'm not empty. I'm quite the contrary, I think. I am full with emotions. Full with feelings. I feel for my students. I feel for my campus. I feel for my cause. I feel for my team. I feel for all the things that haven't come yet. My heart is breaking. I am exhausted from feeling. I am deeply burdened. But my heart is not mending. I am not being renewed. I do not feel lightness in the load that I carry. I suppose the root of it comes from a shallow relationship with God. Maybe because of my sin issues, my fears, my insecurities, my doubts.. I am withholding myself from God. But maybe we're not supposed to be happy all the time. Maybe right now, I am righteously burdened. Maybe my heart is righteously breaking. Nonetheless, I can't sit here forever in hopelessness
Feeling. Feeling. Feeling.
Crying. Crying. Crying.
Lord, would you come? Would you hear my cry and come?
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