God, I feel like there is nothing that would make me turn away from You. I don't think there is anything on this Earth that could do that, nothing You created can make me think that. I really want to say that I can do anything for You, I really want to believe that I will do anything for You-- and so far I do, or at least I believe so.
God, I will offer my life. I will do my very best to stop those bad things I do. I will come to hate myself for every time I lie, deceive, or bring shame to You. I've also been the sheep that tried to be its own shepherd. Jesus, You are the good shepherd. Please let me never lose sight of You. I don't know why I ever would, that sounds so stupid, but a lot of stupid things happen. I, the present me, just knows that if I were lost, I'd be very afraid, desperate, and devastated. And I know how much You would want me back, not that I am the best little sheep, but because You love me. God, I will try to be a good sheep. I will try to stop those bad habits, ignoring You when You tell me not to do things.
And that thing that has been bothering my heart for so long. "Give your life to God", Jaeson Ma judged me. He judged me, God! Another sheep judged me! He was so proud, preaching to us. He was so proud that he can shout out to thousands and even millions of people that he 'loves Jesus Christ'. He was so proud that he proved that he gave his life to You. Although You can already read my heart, my thoughts, my logic, my meaning, I need to write this out for myself. I don't think everyone need to be a preacher or pastor to give his/her life to You. I don't think everyone needs to go on missions to Africa or make Christian cds or host worship concerts. I mean, if giving their life to God meant being in the "religion"-field, then wouldn't all Christians aim to become pastors, deacons, and other members of the church? Then there would be no more mailmen, no more janitors, no more ice cream men, no more teachers, chefs, electricians, doctors, poets, artists, etc.
God, I can do whatever You ask of me to do, but I don't know what You want. I've never felt that anything was impossible for me, I just have that cockiness. I'm that cocky sheep that plays humble and tries to be its own shepherd. I really enjoyed being a student leader, giving small spiels about the gospel, making one-minute-bibles, telling others about God. And when I was at the Intervarsity Fellowship, I listened to the student lead a sermon and I thought "wow, I can do this" I mean.. with God's help.. He was in engineering, but he led a sermon. God, I also want to show others that way I see You. I want others to see how great Your love is. I want others to at least see what I see. But I don't believe that the only way to offer my life to You is by becoming a specific member of the church. God, I can offer up my life in all my actions, interactions, and words. I can do my best to reveal You in me.
On campus, there are three things I really love 1. Going to church 2. Learning to Fly 3. Talking about God
The Vine's pastor said to us, "You all think you came to Carbondale for school, but God has a greater plan in store for you." It kinda creeped me out. I indeed did come to Carbondale for school, but I have God with me wherever I go.. But I guess ever since I came here, my spiritual life has only grown and gotten stronger. Carbondale is my hidden gem. I'm a bit afraid of Your plan, but I am sure that You, indeed, do have a greater plan for me.
I can admit it now and say it loud in Roman Times font, I can live here, in Carbondale, the countryside, the cornfield, the everything that Chicago already has plus more, except stars in a night sky, for the rest of my life. I can give up Chicago, my family, my sister, my friends, my history, if that is what you want. I can give up all of my friends, every single one, even the ones that made me laugh, cry, scream, and jump. There is none I love more than You, God. Writing it all down feels so much better.
And I'm still fearful in saying this, but I love You more than my sister. I fear because I know You have the ability to take her away from me to test me. But God, I can never leave You. She is second to You, God. If it weren't for You, we would have still hated each other. We would have no bond, no smiles, no jokes, no care. We would have been strangers to each other, possibly even enemies. God, I love You very much. I can't speak for You and no one can speak for You, Lord. And I don't know what You want from me yet. God, you are my only God, my greatest love, but I really believe that I don't need to seek employment from church to give You my life. God, You already have it. But I don't want to speak for You and say that I am going to be a pilot. My heart has been so disturbed by that concert, I can't tell if being a pilot is just what I want or if it's what You've decided is best for me. I really can't tell.
