Maybe because of the intense transition this has been, uprooting my life to a place with no friends or family, but I recently found myself missing my relationships. I find in my memory of people, I am recalling the good things. The positive ways they have impacted me, the ways they would make me laugh and smile and to have faith. I love my friends. I miss my friends.
For the same reason, I struggle to trust my emotions because this distance and length of time makes the truth blurrier than reality was. Perhaps rose-tinted. At times when I find myself lacking what I once experienced I could fool myself into believing that if I went back to where I was, everything I was missing would come back to me. But I know that isn't true. Is that what nostalgia is? Missing some fond experience of the past, but know it has past? Nostalgia should be a name of a filter, lol.
I won't abandon my friendships from the midwest, haha. But I feel a need to let go some, too. I shouldn't be held back by my past but instead, I want to walk into the present and into the future with my past.
Thursday, September 28, 2017
Monday, September 18, 2017
Processing
It hit me tonight as I was planning for my day off tomorrow. I was thinking about maybe writing a card to a friend. Upon considering what I'd write to him, I felt my tear ducts doing their thang. I was about to cry. I realize I like my friends back home. I realize I have no friends (yet) in my new home. I feel scared by my unknown future.
I was reading through one of my older journals and it had the first time I saw the vision of walking beneath the shade of palm trees from 1.7 years ago.
"Derek W. led us into a time about parental blessing. Tears left my eyes and streamed down my face as he said, "What you're doing is good." I wept.
...
Because ministry was all I have left. I have nothing left. Had I been bargaining with God? This is my last thing to tell me of my worth. I have nothing left.
I wept. I wept. I wept.
My finances, my scarcity mentality, my busyness, and resistance to rest and be still-- all stemmed from this lack of a blessing. This space of doubt that I am doing a good thing. This thought crept in ever so discreetly saying, "Who do you think you are? You think you're somebody? Who do you think you are?"
There words are evil. They tear down. They are poison. I want no part in them.
The image of walking on sidewalks under palm trees with God. It's an image of what I want and what God wants. I am in no rush. I have no agenda. I purely am with God. My future, my destination-- they are not on my mind because I am present with the Lord and I trust Him. I am with him, and with him, joy permeates from deep within me. I am full. I am joy.
I want that. I will fight for that."
In the chaos of packing, unpacking, Craigslisting furniture, discipling on a new campus, I totally forgot why I was here. I am here to be with God. I am here to walk with his presence. But I fall back in the same traps and patterns, idolizing busyness and the world's standard of success. Oh, God, help. I feel so overwhelmed.
I was reading through one of my older journals and it had the first time I saw the vision of walking beneath the shade of palm trees from 1.7 years ago.
"Derek W. led us into a time about parental blessing. Tears left my eyes and streamed down my face as he said, "What you're doing is good." I wept.
...
Because ministry was all I have left. I have nothing left. Had I been bargaining with God? This is my last thing to tell me of my worth. I have nothing left.
I wept. I wept. I wept.
My finances, my scarcity mentality, my busyness, and resistance to rest and be still-- all stemmed from this lack of a blessing. This space of doubt that I am doing a good thing. This thought crept in ever so discreetly saying, "Who do you think you are? You think you're somebody? Who do you think you are?"
There words are evil. They tear down. They are poison. I want no part in them.
The image of walking on sidewalks under palm trees with God. It's an image of what I want and what God wants. I am in no rush. I have no agenda. I purely am with God. My future, my destination-- they are not on my mind because I am present with the Lord and I trust Him. I am with him, and with him, joy permeates from deep within me. I am full. I am joy.
I want that. I will fight for that."
In the chaos of packing, unpacking, Craigslisting furniture, discipling on a new campus, I totally forgot why I was here. I am here to be with God. I am here to walk with his presence. But I fall back in the same traps and patterns, idolizing busyness and the world's standard of success. Oh, God, help. I feel so overwhelmed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)