Processing

It hit me tonight as I was planning for my day off tomorrow. I was thinking about maybe writing a card to a friend. Upon considering what I'd write to him, I felt my tear ducts doing their thang. I was about to cry. I realize I like my friends back home. I realize I have no friends (yet) in my new home. I feel scared by my unknown future.

I was reading through one of my older journals and it had the first time I saw the vision of walking beneath the shade of palm trees from 1.7 years ago.

"Derek W. led us into a time about parental blessing. Tears left my eyes and streamed down my face as he said, "What you're doing is good." I wept.

...

Because ministry was all I have left. I have nothing left. Had I been bargaining with God? This is my last thing to tell me of my worth. I have nothing left.

I wept. I wept. I wept.

My finances, my scarcity mentality, my busyness, and resistance to rest and be still-- all stemmed from this lack of a blessing. This space of doubt that I am doing a good thing. This thought crept in ever so discreetly saying, "Who do you think you are? You think you're somebody? Who do you think you are?"

There words are evil. They tear down. They are poison. I want no part in them.

The image of walking on sidewalks under palm trees with God. It's an image of what I want and what God wants. I am in no rush. I have no agenda. I purely am with God. My future, my destination-- they are not on my mind because I am present with the Lord and I trust Him. I am with him, and with him, joy permeates from deep within me. I am full. I am joy.

I want that. I will fight for that."

In the chaos of packing, unpacking, Craigslisting furniture, discipling on a new campus, I totally forgot why I was here. I am here to be with God. I am here to walk with his presence. But I fall back in the same traps and patterns, idolizing busyness and the world's standard of success. Oh, God, help. I feel so overwhelmed.