One of my last interactions in Chicago, a younger student reflected to me that when I first joined their small group, I shared incredibly vulnerably and cried. I was shocked, it was almost like someone had held a mirror in my face to show my erratic behaviors from two years ago. It was my first season of support-raising, during a turbulent transition of all kinds of life things. I lacked community, and the first opportunity I had for intimacy, I latched on and melted everywhere. It was too much. It really was. Now I can reflect and say, "Dang, that was a really unhealthy point of my life." But in some ways, I was doing everything I could to be better. And in some other ways, some of those unhealthy patterns of disclosing myself have continued with me.
I think one part of my personality is one that relishes pain, and reflects deeply upon it. But at what point is that unhealthy and when is it just being introspective?
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Anyways.
So here I am. I unpacked my last box today and rearranged my belongings into different nooks and crannies of my new home. I've been confronted with a lot, but I haven't given myself the time or space to really process. On one hand, I have been legitimately busy. On another, I distracted myself from diving deeper into those issues.
This year has been crazy.
January- Basically a throw down in my life with my job
February- Grieving the realities of my situation. The organization I devoted myself to would not fight for me.*another thing to process
later February- Prayer Time- 'Tori, you chose where we go next'
Along came California
March- submitted my application to Fuller + got accepted
End of April- Pursued convos with IV out in CA, video-interviewed
May- Campus visit
End of May- Accepted Offer to staff at Occidental and switch to part-time seminary status
June-Training, fundraising, tying loose ends in Carbondale
July- support raising in Chicago
August- CA training + moved to CA
about 4 days ago, I found out I'll be staffing international ministry at Occidental's campus. I called my sister today, and told her I haven't been able to cry. I know I want to and I know I need to, but I couldn't get myself there.
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I am so scared. Day 1 in LA, after a frantic unloading my car and getting in trouble for parking in my landlord's spot and his whole family and my supervisor seeing my mess.. I drove with my friend to Target to pick up cleaning supplies. I looked around and noticed the sea of palm trees in my horizon. They're freakin everywhere. My friend is on the phone. And I start panicking.
What have I done?
Every time I wanted to cry, my kind friend patted my back and I held it in. After she left I ran errands for the next two days, started supervision + planning work + Oxy's leaders' retreat until yesterday.
I have so many anxieties. I have so many concerns.
God, you're still here right? I choose the place and you set the path, right? What is your plan? I feel so scared.
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