After walking across the stage, being handed the piece of paper that wasn't my diploma, I continued to the line of professors who held their hands and arms out to meet the new graduates. I walked to Dr. Horton and she gave me a massive hug. I felt so happy. I continued to walk and shake hands and receive pats on my back. "This one. She is the one I was talking about. She would've been perfect, but she's not going to grad school."
I can hold onto that for now, but after a while, I will be forgotten. Many other great students will come forth and they will do great things. Then holding onto this praise would be worthless. My pride is probably one of my biggest thorns. For so much of my life, I chased and ran desperately after being the prize in people's memories, if even for a faint moment. Oh, what I wouldn't do. I loved it. It was like a drug. But it became a bad drug, when I needed it more than I needed anything else.
I love being prized. I love being valued as worthy. I love taking breath away.
But my world has been changing. He calls me, that I might set my gaze on him. He tells me I am worthy. He takes my breath away each day. My joy and my deep satisfaction comes from seeing His will done.
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
For Greater Glory
Lord, even if things don't get better, You've taught me that you are still good. So I cry out from the depths:
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
HIS BRIDE (a rant)
At the identity workshop, one woman asked, "How can I become a strong Godly single woman?" So we entered into the topic of singleness.
There is some talk of, "You're single, because you're not ready for a relationship yet and God is having you wait for your own good." Or it's like you're in a car ride, constantly asking, "are we there yet?" and God is the annoyed parent, who tells you to wait. Or there is the circular, you'll have a boyfriend/husband, when you stop looking. Ugh.. I just want to vomit. These words, I've probably said before, but now I'm sick of hearing them.
God made marriage, and He loves marriage. I don't want to grow bitter towards relationships, but I hate how the desire for marriage/dating takes so much attention (even my own). Our lives do not revolve around being in a relationship. We are not in this season of singleness-trial because God desires to whip us in shape for a Godly husband. A marriage relationship between a man and woman is just an attempt to imitate the slightest fragment of the covenant marriage that we are waiting for, as God's bride. The fact is that no marriage between man and woman will fully capture, nor come close, to the relationship God has with us.
I believe that you can date/marry someone even when you're not "ready." What is ready? No one is going to enter into any relationship with no sin issues, baggage, or false expectations. We try our best, and even that will fail sometimes.. but in our failures, we keep trying because of the hope that was given to us from what was accomplished through Jesus'. We wait expectantly and confidently for our groom to return to us. We wait faithfully and boldly for the one we love. Even in dating and marriage, that person I date/marry should challenge me to love God more. The point is not to be his bride, but to be His bride. and likewise for women.. we should help our brothers to love God more, to faithfully wait, too.
As long as we look at a singleness circumstance as, 'I am single because I am not ready to be in a relationship,' we are going to miss the point and do a huge disservice to women who are single. This idea insinuates a defect in single women, and women in relationships have "passed the test." A woman who is dating or in a relationship will continue to face trials, struggles, and testing.
'I am being worked on because the way that I am currently is not going to produce a healthy relationship. I will trust in God's timing and pruning' We are not pruned for marriage to another human being, we are pruned to likeness with Christ.. and that would result in good things, and we should love others better if we are more like Christ. I've seen plenty of amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, incredibly faithful and spiritual women single in later ages.
But as always, this anger and upset-ness I feel says more about my judgments of myself and where I have been in this thought process. I am more angry with myself than I am with the words that were said in the workshop, angry that I have missed the mark for so long.. angry that I'll still struggle and miss the mark despite knowing this intellectually to some capacity.. angry that although this is something I know and remember right now, I might doubt, forget, and wrestle with this for the rest of my life, but I am willing to wrestle until my groom returns.
There is some talk of, "You're single, because you're not ready for a relationship yet and God is having you wait for your own good." Or it's like you're in a car ride, constantly asking, "are we there yet?" and God is the annoyed parent, who tells you to wait. Or there is the circular, you'll have a boyfriend/husband, when you stop looking. Ugh.. I just want to vomit. These words, I've probably said before, but now I'm sick of hearing them.
God made marriage, and He loves marriage. I don't want to grow bitter towards relationships, but I hate how the desire for marriage/dating takes so much attention (even my own). Our lives do not revolve around being in a relationship. We are not in this season of singleness-trial because God desires to whip us in shape for a Godly husband. A marriage relationship between a man and woman is just an attempt to imitate the slightest fragment of the covenant marriage that we are waiting for, as God's bride. The fact is that no marriage between man and woman will fully capture, nor come close, to the relationship God has with us.
I believe that you can date/marry someone even when you're not "ready." What is ready? No one is going to enter into any relationship with no sin issues, baggage, or false expectations. We try our best, and even that will fail sometimes.. but in our failures, we keep trying because of the hope that was given to us from what was accomplished through Jesus'. We wait expectantly and confidently for our groom to return to us. We wait faithfully and boldly for the one we love. Even in dating and marriage, that person I date/marry should challenge me to love God more. The point is not to be his bride, but to be His bride. and likewise for women.. we should help our brothers to love God more, to faithfully wait, too.
As long as we look at a singleness circumstance as, 'I am single because I am not ready to be in a relationship,' we are going to miss the point and do a huge disservice to women who are single. This idea insinuates a defect in single women, and women in relationships have "passed the test." A woman who is dating or in a relationship will continue to face trials, struggles, and testing.
'I am being worked on because the way that I am currently is not going to produce a healthy relationship. I will trust in God's timing and pruning' We are not pruned for marriage to another human being, we are pruned to likeness with Christ.. and that would result in good things, and we should love others better if we are more like Christ. I've seen plenty of amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, incredibly faithful and spiritual women single in later ages.
But as always, this anger and upset-ness I feel says more about my judgments of myself and where I have been in this thought process. I am more angry with myself than I am with the words that were said in the workshop, angry that I have missed the mark for so long.. angry that I'll still struggle and miss the mark despite knowing this intellectually to some capacity.. angry that although this is something I know and remember right now, I might doubt, forget, and wrestle with this for the rest of my life, but I am willing to wrestle until my groom returns.
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Visit from an Old Friend
It's been a while since I saw my old friend. Not much has changed, but at the same time, a lot has. I had almost forgotten. It's been a while. You've seen me back in old routines. You've seen me back, cornered in the same place. You've seen me back, alone and sad. It's been a while since I saw my old friend. Although my body tires, my soul can't find rest. Old friend, how long is your stay, or are you just passing by?
God, my God. Abba, my Abba. Lord, my Lord. My old friend is back, and she is not my friend.
God, my God. Abba, my Abba. Lord, my Lord. My old friend is back, and she is not my friend.
Friday, June 5, 2015
Under the Sun and the Stars
D: Tori, can you please be quiet for a moment and listen to me? Can you please stay out of the sun?
T: No, I can't. lol
D: What about when you get a boyfriend? Don't you want people to like you?
Change topic...
T:If a boy says to me, "Tori, I'd like you if only you were more white color" he would be an asshole. Is that really what you want for me?
D: That's the truth.
T:Asian Americans are different. We don't think like that
D: No. Everyone does. Don't you get upset when people call you Filipino?
T:Of course I get upset. I get angry not because being Filipino is bad but because Chinese people look down on Filipino's. Just like if people discriminate against black people or Chinese people.. It's not something that we can help. I can't stop being Chinese for them. I can't change that for anyone.
T: No, I can't. lol
D: What about when you get a boyfriend? Don't you want people to like you?
Change topic...
T:If a boy says to me, "Tori, I'd like you if only you were more white color" he would be an asshole. Is that really what you want for me?
D: That's the truth.
T:Asian Americans are different. We don't think like that
D: No. Everyone does. Don't you get upset when people call you Filipino?
T:Of course I get upset. I get angry not because being Filipino is bad but because Chinese people look down on Filipino's. Just like if people discriminate against black people or Chinese people.. It's not something that we can help. I can't stop being Chinese for them. I can't change that for anyone.
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Where you are is where I want to be
Lord, if you say to me, 'Come back to Chicago.' I will come back.
Lord, if you say to me, 'Go to ISU.' I will go to ISU.
Lord, if you say to me, 'Go to ---- Community College.' I will go to ---- Community College.
Lord, if you say to me, 'Stay at Carbondale.' I will stay at Carbondale.
Lord, where you are is where I want to be. Because when I am with you, I am complete, and I lack nothing. Even if it is at your feet, I long for that place. There is no other place like where you are.
Lord, if you say to me, 'Go to ISU.' I will go to ISU.
Lord, if you say to me, 'Go to ---- Community College.' I will go to ---- Community College.
Lord, if you say to me, 'Stay at Carbondale.' I will stay at Carbondale.
Lord, where you are is where I want to be. Because when I am with you, I am complete, and I lack nothing. Even if it is at your feet, I long for that place. There is no other place like where you are.
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Puppy Love: Rant
I never realized how wonderful singleness is.. Yeah, I have my bouts of melodrama, but right now I am so thankful that I have been single. The temptations and risks are in a whole new realm once you're in a relationship.. and I was always living on my own cloud, in my own fantasy world. I literally lived my own fantasy world, role playing online (super vulnerable and embarrassing to share this). Every person I liked/crushed on, I thought I loved them. I thought it was meant to be. I thought it would be forever. If anything like a relationship would've happened for me, I promise you, I would have broken all the boundaries, I would have gone on a totally different track. (Even if that happened, I know there is still healing and life in Jesus, but for sure my story and the areas where I feel broken/far from God would be different.. not less, not more, just different).
I see online, a 17-year-old posting about her devout love for her beloved. I did some FB stalking on the guy, and I see that he has recently been unemployed from McDonald's, his profile picture is a bathroom selfie, his nick name is 'Puppy Love,' and he is 22 years-old (almost 23). Selfies are fine. Puppies are great. Working at a fast food place is cool, too, but something about this collective picture just makes me feel uneasy.. maybe even queasy.
What the hell are you doing with a high-school student, man? This girl has been professing her love on the internet for this guy. It's quite the poetry, but a part of me dies a little.. because she is so over her head for this guy who isn't really as prince-charming as she describes him to be.. I die on the inside, more so, because I know I was there. I was there when I was 17. Shoot, I was there a few months ago. Well not quite in the same way.. but it's scary. When 'love' or 'hormones' or just plain sexual desire blinds you from reality, from common sense, from keeping your integrity and dignity. BLEH.
It's like this spell or this deep sleep that no one can wake you up from, and you don't realize what deep sh*t you've been in until you're out of it. It's like you're trapped in a glass box, only you can leave from the inside. Everyone's tellin' you to get the hell out of there. It's not good for you to be in there. It's not safe for you to be in that place.. but you think it's great, you think it's protecting you even.
But the whole while, Jesus is there waiting.. waiting for you to notice him, waiting so you can see what true love really is.
But the whole while, Jesus is there waiting.. waiting for you to notice him, waiting so you can see what true love really is.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Lord, my heart is pestered, my heart is annoyed, my heart is sad.
There was a girl who said something unintentionally incredibly offensive and racist and so freaking ignorant I wanted to call her out on what the freakin crap bullpoop freak poop she was saying. God, there was so much freakin damn ignorance. But I am no judge. I look back at myself and my transgressions, how can I keep angry? how can I ask for justice? What ignorance for me to speak of justice.
girls. girls. girls. girls. girls. Why, Lord? Why are we this way? So full of ourselves, so ignorant, so obnoxious, so pathetic? Why are we so far from your image?
There was a girl who said something unintentionally incredibly offensive and racist and so freaking ignorant I wanted to call her out on what the freakin crap bullpoop freak poop she was saying. God, there was so much freakin damn ignorance. But I am no judge. I look back at myself and my transgressions, how can I keep angry? how can I ask for justice? What ignorance for me to speak of justice.
girls. girls. girls. girls. girls. Why, Lord? Why are we this way? So full of ourselves, so ignorant, so obnoxious, so pathetic? Why are we so far from your image?
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Everyone wants to hang out
Everyone wants to hang out. But hanging out costs money. I don't have money. Walking home today, I found a shiny quarter on the street. I picked it up and became a quarter richer, but even so, I cannot afford a pineapple bun from the bakery. I'm so sick of people asking me to go out to eat or to hang out, because it costs money. It costs money that I don't have. I don't even think I can afford my textbooks for next year. God, I want to work right now. God, I wish I had a job.
I keep hearing about people getting full-rides and really awesome scholarships at these top-ranked colleges and universities and all I got was a measly $14,000 academic scholarship. It's like SIUC threw a change purse at my face and laughed, taunting, "Haha, you're stupid." What is $14,000 compared to someone else who got $400,000?
But I need to look at this as another opportunity from God, so that I would have more faith in Him. I need to trust that since I am with God, I don't need to worry. My God is the strongest, richest, wisest, bestest. And He who is already so mighty and magnificent, knows my name. He knows every hair on my head and He loves me. I know He loves me because He loves Jesus. As I see people getting accepted into Yale, Harvard, Northwestern, Princeton, Colombia, Darthmouth, UCLA, Cal Tech, Cornell, etc etc, I feel like I become invisible. Like I'm just watching everyone. Like I'm a Kohl's check-out-girl at a Prada store. And I ask, God, why didn't I get into those schools? Why didn't You bless me with those kinds of acknowledgement and success? Well, first off, none of those have my major. I go to the number one aviation college in the country... and while it seems like other options are clearly the better ones, I need to have faith and trust that this is what God planned for me and He loves me so much and knows me so well, that what ever that happens to me is the best possible thing that could have happened to me, far better then I ever could have imagined.
Right now, I'm really stressed about money. Money for college. More stressed about it than I ever have been. Why must there be a holiday season for shopping? But God will take care of me, for I am a child of the light.
God, I pray you can help me out with this wisdom tooth, so I can get it out without missing two days of classes and paying so much extra for the return fare. If I don't get it out soon, I am not sure what will happen to my teeth in general. God, please be with me.
I keep hearing about people getting full-rides and really awesome scholarships at these top-ranked colleges and universities and all I got was a measly $14,000 academic scholarship. It's like SIUC threw a change purse at my face and laughed, taunting, "Haha, you're stupid." What is $14,000 compared to someone else who got $400,000?
But I need to look at this as another opportunity from God, so that I would have more faith in Him. I need to trust that since I am with God, I don't need to worry. My God is the strongest, richest, wisest, bestest. And He who is already so mighty and magnificent, knows my name. He knows every hair on my head and He loves me. I know He loves me because He loves Jesus. As I see people getting accepted into Yale, Harvard, Northwestern, Princeton, Colombia, Darthmouth, UCLA, Cal Tech, Cornell, etc etc, I feel like I become invisible. Like I'm just watching everyone. Like I'm a Kohl's check-out-girl at a Prada store. And I ask, God, why didn't I get into those schools? Why didn't You bless me with those kinds of acknowledgement and success? Well, first off, none of those have my major. I go to the number one aviation college in the country... and while it seems like other options are clearly the better ones, I need to have faith and trust that this is what God planned for me and He loves me so much and knows me so well, that what ever that happens to me is the best possible thing that could have happened to me, far better then I ever could have imagined.
Right now, I'm really stressed about money. Money for college. More stressed about it than I ever have been. Why must there be a holiday season for shopping? But God will take care of me, for I am a child of the light.
God, I pray you can help me out with this wisdom tooth, so I can get it out without missing two days of classes and paying so much extra for the return fare. If I don't get it out soon, I am not sure what will happen to my teeth in general. God, please be with me.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Victoria, Victoria
My name is really beautiful, I think. I hadn't really thought about it as much until recently. I wonder what must the Americans think when I introduce myself as Victoria. That name is just too classy for me, for this short little awkward looking Asian girl. How do they feel when they call me Victoria? Is it strange? That name sounds so beautiful, how do I live up to it? Victoria. Victoria. It is so beautiful. It has its own entity. Victoria Victoria. It is so special.
VICTORIA. Victoria.
What if my name wasn't that, and it was something else, like Jackie, Laura, Stephanie, Karen, Mary, Carla, or something else?
Jackie Jiang, Laura Jiang, Stephanie Jiang, Karen Jiang, Mary Jiang, Carla Jiang.
I like Victoria Jiang. I'm Victoria Jiang. Call me Victoria. Call me Tori. Call me Tori, because I'm Victoria.
VICTORIA. Victoria.
What if my name wasn't that, and it was something else, like Jackie, Laura, Stephanie, Karen, Mary, Carla, or something else?
Jackie Jiang, Laura Jiang, Stephanie Jiang, Karen Jiang, Mary Jiang, Carla Jiang.
I like Victoria Jiang. I'm Victoria Jiang. Call me Victoria. Call me Tori. Call me Tori, because I'm Victoria.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Anxious Heart
God, please help me. Please watch over this distressed spirit. It seems things haven't changed that much for me. I still search for satisfaction through grades and human praise. God, am I pleasing You? Jesus, am I being your faithful bride?
Sunday, December 4, 2011
A Fetus Reference
My heart is tender, my heart is weak. I feel like it is an amniotic sac, so fragile, so delicate.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
A part of my testimony
My heart pounds at the thought of marrying Jesus. How wonderful, how beautiful, how awesome is that for how undeserving I am! I know that the baptism won't make God's grace any more abundant, God's mercy any more enduring, God's love any more infinite. I know the baptism won't make me any more wiser, any more better, stronger, richer, happier than anyone else. The baptism won't make those things happen. Baptism isn't what gave me salvation. Baptism doesn't mean I'll be more loved, or less sinful. Baptism doesn't mean I'm better than other people. It's me, being born again. It's me, admitting my life is nothing without Jesus. It's me admitting I once was dead, but it is through Christ, that I live again. And in this new life, may God be seen through my actions, my words, my existence. May I be an example of Him. May I imitate Him. May I never cease to work towards His image. I know I am not perfect, I know I am not smart enough or strong enough or wise enough or anything enough to ever do all the great things God wants me to do. But I know this along with the truth that God can do all those things, and God is always with me. I am not alone. God is my treasure which cannot be stolen from my heart, cannot be broken from my life, cannot be worn away.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
First Disappointment
My heart was hurting so much after tonight, and I guess I took some silly photos on facebook, made some small online messaging, and an international student seems to be warming up to the fellowship! all those things didn't make my heart hurt less, but it helped me forget about the aching. And I reconciled with a brother and I gave encouragement to another sister who I have great respect and admiration for. All those things gave me comfort and I managed to close me eyes and sleep.
But the fire alarm went off at 5am and after it was over and everyone was back in their beds, I closed my eyes but my heart just hurted as much as before if not more. I can't sleep because of that sadness. It's not a heart attack or something physically dangerous I think.
But my heart hurts for very valid reasons. Yesterday it hurted because I was selfish, rude, and a waste of space. Today, it hurts because people in my fellowship didn't care. And now I am upset. Because I brought a guest, a new prospective member of InterVarsity to the InterVarsity potluck dinner. Their response was nothing. They did nothing, they had their own conversations and ignored us. They did nothing. I don't give a damn if my spiritual gift is evangelism or not, it is hard and scary for me to talk to people, to initiate conversations. I sacrifice a lot of my own comfort to make others feel comfortable. While I'm not the best at evangelism, I'm not even particularly good, but I know I try very very hard for my standards and previous experience and I force myself to do those things, because I know this body belongs to Jesus and I want it to be used for him. I don't care if my spiritual gift is evangelism and theirs is in worship or planning or preaching or sweeping the damn floor, if there is someone new, you make them feel comfortable. You don't shun them and ignore them and make them feel like an outsider. Maybe, just maybe, that would happen at a pagan event where everyone minded their own business and did their own thing, but we were at a church! We just had dinner! Our last teaching at large group was about bringing UNITY in the fellowship! My heart hurts. What is wrong with these people? Why are they so ignorant, so blind? Maybe they were mad at me because I brought a guest to the event, but she had the permission. Maybe they were mad at me because I added a chair to the table and they had to waste their energy scooting their chairs, maybe that's why they behaved that way. Maybe they were like that because ... because they were just damn ignorant. My heart hurts. Fix me, God, and give me more love for the family, give me more patience to endure this, give me the Holy Spirit and more strength to motivate change. I'm afraid I'm asking for too much. God, just give me the Holy Spirit, the rest will simply follow and fall in place.
But the fire alarm went off at 5am and after it was over and everyone was back in their beds, I closed my eyes but my heart just hurted as much as before if not more. I can't sleep because of that sadness. It's not a heart attack or something physically dangerous I think.
But my heart hurts for very valid reasons. Yesterday it hurted because I was selfish, rude, and a waste of space. Today, it hurts because people in my fellowship didn't care. And now I am upset. Because I brought a guest, a new prospective member of InterVarsity to the InterVarsity potluck dinner. Their response was nothing. They did nothing, they had their own conversations and ignored us. They did nothing. I don't give a damn if my spiritual gift is evangelism or not, it is hard and scary for me to talk to people, to initiate conversations. I sacrifice a lot of my own comfort to make others feel comfortable. While I'm not the best at evangelism, I'm not even particularly good, but I know I try very very hard for my standards and previous experience and I force myself to do those things, because I know this body belongs to Jesus and I want it to be used for him. I don't care if my spiritual gift is evangelism and theirs is in worship or planning or preaching or sweeping the damn floor, if there is someone new, you make them feel comfortable. You don't shun them and ignore them and make them feel like an outsider. Maybe, just maybe, that would happen at a pagan event where everyone minded their own business and did their own thing, but we were at a church! We just had dinner! Our last teaching at large group was about bringing UNITY in the fellowship! My heart hurts. What is wrong with these people? Why are they so ignorant, so blind? Maybe they were mad at me because I brought a guest to the event, but she had the permission. Maybe they were mad at me because I added a chair to the table and they had to waste their energy scooting their chairs, maybe that's why they behaved that way. Maybe they were like that because ... because they were just damn ignorant. My heart hurts. Fix me, God, and give me more love for the family, give me more patience to endure this, give me the Holy Spirit and more strength to motivate change. I'm afraid I'm asking for too much. God, just give me the Holy Spirit, the rest will simply follow and fall in place.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Asian Fantasy
"I'm so jealous of you", she said. "You know, every guy has an Asian fantasy. I don't know one guy that hasn't thought about gettin' it with an Asian before"
"I've asked some American guys and, yea, they said they like Asian people, but they are not ideal for girlfriend or marriage", he explained.
Does my personality mean nothing in this world? There is a lot of sacrifice for even an ABC to marry an American; it's waving goodbye to a huge chunk of possibility of getting closer to my native language, culture, people. It's a huge sacrifice and a huge difference in lifestyle! I never thought it was possible until I came to Carbondale, but I can be satisfied living in a small town. And I think I am willing to make the sacrifice of abandoning my culture for an American. But I never really considered the other perspective, the other possibility that they don't want anything to do with Asians. That there is still a high level of racism and tension against the Asians and white people.
I wish I knew why it's so much harder to bond with white people. I wish there wasn't even a difference. God, it hurts my heart to find that some guys won't even consider me just because I am Asian. In an evolution/adaptation standpoint, my weaknesses: my height, my lack of curvature. My possible strengths: intelligence is not too bad, personality-wise most people would say I am nice, sweet, or kind
Maybe it's because my eyes don't look like the ocean, or a burning fire, or like the grass or anything special. Maybe it's because my hair is boring, too straight, too common, depressing even. Maybe because my nose is too flat, my eyes are not round enough, my checks are not high enough, my chin is not sharp enough.
There have been many moments when I just want to go back to the M.A.C. store and show them the picture of my prom night and say, "can you work that magic again? I want to look beautiful." But right now, as I look the normal way I look, natural and without makeup, touch-up, etc, no one stops for a split second to stare at me, to look at me, to notice me, to glance at me. But if I did get the right make-up and if I did look like how I did at prom night every night and if that did make people stop to stare, to look, to notice, to glance, to trip-fall-and-die, to talk to me, to flirt with me, to hit of me, to ask me out, to take me to dinner, to buy me drinks, to hold the door open, to make detours, go out of their way just to see/talk/be around me.. then I would not be satisfied. Maybe I would be happy for a moment. But if there is a guy I like and he is unresponsive to me until I get that "make-over", and suddenly he has interest and does a lot of things to get my attention, then I would be extremely unsatisfied. Because I don't want people to like me because of my face, I wish my heart was good enough to make people want to stay around me. I wish my heart was good enough to catch a guy's attention, to have him stop and think "wow" I wish I were that impactful, that significant.
"I've asked some American guys and, yea, they said they like Asian people, but they are not ideal for girlfriend or marriage", he explained.
Does my personality mean nothing in this world? There is a lot of sacrifice for even an ABC to marry an American; it's waving goodbye to a huge chunk of possibility of getting closer to my native language, culture, people. It's a huge sacrifice and a huge difference in lifestyle! I never thought it was possible until I came to Carbondale, but I can be satisfied living in a small town. And I think I am willing to make the sacrifice of abandoning my culture for an American. But I never really considered the other perspective, the other possibility that they don't want anything to do with Asians. That there is still a high level of racism and tension against the Asians and white people.
I wish I knew why it's so much harder to bond with white people. I wish there wasn't even a difference. God, it hurts my heart to find that some guys won't even consider me just because I am Asian. In an evolution/adaptation standpoint, my weaknesses: my height, my lack of curvature. My possible strengths: intelligence is not too bad, personality-wise most people would say I am nice, sweet, or kind
Maybe it's because my eyes don't look like the ocean, or a burning fire, or like the grass or anything special. Maybe it's because my hair is boring, too straight, too common, depressing even. Maybe because my nose is too flat, my eyes are not round enough, my checks are not high enough, my chin is not sharp enough.
There have been many moments when I just want to go back to the M.A.C. store and show them the picture of my prom night and say, "can you work that magic again? I want to look beautiful." But right now, as I look the normal way I look, natural and without makeup, touch-up, etc, no one stops for a split second to stare at me, to look at me, to notice me, to glance at me. But if I did get the right make-up and if I did look like how I did at prom night every night and if that did make people stop to stare, to look, to notice, to glance, to trip-fall-and-die, to talk to me, to flirt with me, to hit of me, to ask me out, to take me to dinner, to buy me drinks, to hold the door open, to make detours, go out of their way just to see/talk/be around me.. then I would not be satisfied. Maybe I would be happy for a moment. But if there is a guy I like and he is unresponsive to me until I get that "make-over", and suddenly he has interest and does a lot of things to get my attention, then I would be extremely unsatisfied. Because I don't want people to like me because of my face, I wish my heart was good enough to make people want to stay around me. I wish my heart was good enough to catch a guy's attention, to have him stop and think "wow" I wish I were that impactful, that significant.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Jesus, the best guy I know
Three more months of being 18. So weird to be 19. I guess I'm still pretty young.
At church, there were a bunch of babies. And if I would say for my preference, the youngest I'd want to be to have a kid is probably 24. I mean 24 would be my preferred minimum. And 24, that is 6 years from now. Six years may or may not sound like a lot, but it'll come fast. Six years ago, I was in seventh grade, the thought of college seemed so far away and unimaginable/abstract. I though it would take forever for college to come, but here I am sitting in the stereotypical wooden chair (that really hurts your butt) and typing away on the wooden table. I still remember a lot of stuff from 7th grade, I don't remember 7th grade like it was very far away. Some moments still feel fresh, like all I need to do is to call on those memories and the concept of time just felt off.
I hope that I could have a kid by thirty. Thirty, that is twelve years from now. Twelve years ago, I was six, I was in 1st grade or perhaps I just graduated kindergarten. That seems a little further than 7th grade, but I'm sure that'll come soon too. I'm glad I get to measure time by how much I've already spent. But it really forces me to realize how short life is. I'm glad Jesus has got me an eternity in heaven. Jesus, the best guy I know.
At church, there were a bunch of babies. And if I would say for my preference, the youngest I'd want to be to have a kid is probably 24. I mean 24 would be my preferred minimum. And 24, that is 6 years from now. Six years may or may not sound like a lot, but it'll come fast. Six years ago, I was in seventh grade, the thought of college seemed so far away and unimaginable/abstract. I though it would take forever for college to come, but here I am sitting in the stereotypical wooden chair (that really hurts your butt) and typing away on the wooden table. I still remember a lot of stuff from 7th grade, I don't remember 7th grade like it was very far away. Some moments still feel fresh, like all I need to do is to call on those memories and the concept of time just felt off.
I hope that I could have a kid by thirty. Thirty, that is twelve years from now. Twelve years ago, I was six, I was in 1st grade or perhaps I just graduated kindergarten. That seems a little further than 7th grade, but I'm sure that'll come soon too. I'm glad I get to measure time by how much I've already spent. But it really forces me to realize how short life is. I'm glad Jesus has got me an eternity in heaven. Jesus, the best guy I know.
Friday, November 11, 2011
bluntly true
I think my heart is hurting, but I have no actual reasons for these feelings to hold. It's not a sharp pain, but like a slow and sad pounding. And I don't know how to solve this. I can't even tell what's wrong.
My best guess, it's probably because I feel a lot of pressure from school work, scholarships, flying well tomorrow and it just makes me more on the edge. Like a chain for my lips got worn out and I am ready to say some really mean things.
I'M NOT A FREAKIN' DOOR MAT!
Some options I have:
-eat with the girl that is never stops to push me closer to the edge at dining halls
-go to the party with the girl that is selfish and totally takes advantage of me
-go to the international student bible study, where I may be still in a down mood and just ruin things for people
-go to the gym and run for an hour
-start on the scholarship paper
my heart is hurting, I don't want to choose. Is something wrong? Did someone die? break a leg? an arm? I wish I had someone I could just complain to. I can't call Kelly because she's busy, but I don't think she can do anything to help me anyways, no one can. And I don't write that in a depressing and dramatic way, but I say it bluntly as it is true.
I know I can complain to God, and maybe I'm not praying right now because I don't realize the power of prayer. Maybe it means my love for God isn't strong enough that I don't believe in His ability to solve.
What is there to fear if God is with us? What is there to stop us when God is for us? I don't know? But it seems that I still have anxiety deep deep in my heart that is upsetting me.
My best guess, it's probably because I feel a lot of pressure from school work, scholarships, flying well tomorrow and it just makes me more on the edge. Like a chain for my lips got worn out and I am ready to say some really mean things.
I'M NOT A FREAKIN' DOOR MAT!
Some options I have:
-eat with the girl that is never stops to push me closer to the edge at dining halls
-go to the party with the girl that is selfish and totally takes advantage of me
-go to the international student bible study, where I may be still in a down mood and just ruin things for people
-go to the gym and run for an hour
-start on the scholarship paper
my heart is hurting, I don't want to choose. Is something wrong? Did someone die? break a leg? an arm? I wish I had someone I could just complain to. I can't call Kelly because she's busy, but I don't think she can do anything to help me anyways, no one can. And I don't write that in a depressing and dramatic way, but I say it bluntly as it is true.
I know I can complain to God, and maybe I'm not praying right now because I don't realize the power of prayer. Maybe it means my love for God isn't strong enough that I don't believe in His ability to solve.
What is there to fear if God is with us? What is there to stop us when God is for us? I don't know? But it seems that I still have anxiety deep deep in my heart that is upsetting me.
Prayer for Love and Wisdom
When I have weakness in my heart, and I find my fellow brothers and sisters shying away from a good relationship with me, Lord, I pray that You give me more love. That if I have a brother who stepped on my foot or spat at my words, Lord, I pray that You give me more love. That my nature to wickedness, my inclination to evil, my resistance to You, God, would be all cast aside! I pray that You give me more love when I find it irritating to listen to a sister, to look at a brother, to even be in the same room as one. I pray for more love, because I once was dead, but now I live because Christ lives in me. I pray for more wisdom, I pray for the Holy Spirit to come to me and give me the right words to say to my non-believing friends and other new Christians. I pray that everything I've done and will do has been and will be according to Your will. The evil that easily fills my heart, rip it open if you must, so that all the evil may leave it. And I pray for more patience in finding the right church. Because some times I feel like a wall flower, a lot of times I feel like I don't really know those people and they're trying excessively hard to look perfect and it is starting to annoy the hell out of me because they start sounding like robots, like they have no soul, like they're just imitations of each other, like the words that come out are recorded on a tape and is looped to play on forever and ever. Lord, the bad thoughts I have, I want to pray them away. The bad things I still am, I pray them away. I wish I knew what I am doing right now.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Startle
I kept staring at the picture, because I looked just like my mom when she was younger, except my mom was prettier and skinnier, lighter skin. It's like my mom is in that picture, hanging out with my friends. It's like I stole her face. And when I look at the picture that is like a reflection of her, I think, "wow, so beautiful" but not because I think I am beautiful, but I recognize and my mom's face when she was younger, when she was my age. I wish she could see this too, it's amazing me, startling me.
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