Puppy Love: Rant

I never realized how wonderful singleness is.. Yeah, I have my bouts of melodrama, but right now I am so thankful that I have been single. The temptations and risks are in a whole new realm once you're in a relationship.. and I was always living on my own cloud, in my own fantasy world. I literally lived my own fantasy world, role playing online (super vulnerable and embarrassing to share this). Every person I liked/crushed on, I thought I loved them. I thought it was meant to be. I thought it would be forever. If anything like a relationship would've happened for me, I promise you, I would have broken all the boundaries, I would have gone on a totally different track. (Even if that happened, I know there is still healing and life in Jesus, but for sure my story and the areas where I feel broken/far from God would be different.. not less, not more, just different).

 I see online, a 17-year-old posting about her devout love for her beloved. I did some FB stalking on the guy, and I see that he has recently been unemployed from McDonald's, his profile picture is a bathroom selfie, his nick name is 'Puppy Love,' and he is 22 years-old (almost 23). Selfies are fine. Puppies are great. Working at a fast food place is cool, too, but something about this collective picture just makes me feel uneasy.. maybe even queasy.

What the hell are you doing with a high-school student, man? This girl has been professing her love on the internet for this guy. It's quite the poetry, but a part of me dies a little.. because she is so over her head for this guy who isn't really as prince-charming as she describes him to be.. I die on the inside, more so, because I know I was there. I was there when I was 17. Shoot, I was there a few months ago. Well not quite in the same way.. but it's scary. When 'love' or 'hormones' or just plain sexual desire blinds you from reality, from common sense, from keeping your integrity and dignity. BLEH. 

It's like this spell or this deep sleep that no one can wake you up from, and you don't realize what deep sh*t you've been in until you're out of it. It's like you're trapped in a glass box, only you can leave from the inside. Everyone's tellin' you to get the hell out of there. It's not good for you to be in there. It's not safe for you to be in that place.. but you think it's great, you think it's protecting you even.

But the whole while, Jesus is there waiting.. waiting for you to notice him, waiting so you can see what true love really is. 

Not-yet-identified

So this post is mini-inspired by this guy on Facebook. In a lack of pretty words, he's like a Facebook status-whore. I mean that in the best possible way. Sometimes seeing his posts gets annoying just cause' some things mentioned are so personal or subjective, and it doesn't necessary portray Christ-like love like he intends. So he sometimes writes facebook status letters to his future wife, and that's really sweet. I wondered about praying for my future husband and writing to my not-yet-existent-husband. I wasn't sure if that fantasizing would be healthy for my heart, so I never really did it. And sometimes I wonder if God is gonna use me like how he uses those Christian women who are in their mid-thirties and still have never had their first kiss. I guess I lost my first kiss to a girl at a fear factor food challenge, and the next moment to a guy. Anyways, that's not really kiss though, so I'll say that one doesn't really really count.  It was pretty gross, bleh. Anyways anyways, a letter for my not-yet-identified-husband.
_____________________________________________________________________

Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've been waiting to meet you for as long as I can remember!!! I've mistook you for some other characters in my life before, but I'm sure you're a pretty cool guy if you're my husband. And I'm sure you were worth the wait and anguish. I guess there hasn't been serious anguish much at all, because God's protected me from a lot of that stuff. God's protected my heart.

Right now I'm at a stage where I really wish I knew who you were already. And almost every single-man in my life, I see him and I think that he can potentially be you! And that scares me. But most of the time when there's a guy, I try to avoid all possible ways of leading him on, because I want to wait for you.

Where ever you are, I hope that you're healthy. I hope that you're happy. I hope that you've surrendered your life to Jesus already. I hope that you're already experiencing the joy of having His sovereignty rule in your life. I wish the very best for you. And sometimes I wonder if you've ever lost pieces of your heart to other women in dating and stuff. It makes me sad to think that you might have given pieces of your heart to other women before me, while it feels like I'm just waiting for you so lame and helpless and Disney. But it's gonna' be ok. So I pray that God is protecting your heart too. I pray that you are my brother in Christ right now.

I can't wait to meet you in God's perfect timing. Maybe we've met already, but I can't wait to meet you as my husband. I really can't wait to meet you, but right now God's working on this ole' heart of mine. He's growing me before I get to meet you. I hope I can be a good wife. I hope my cooking will be better by then. I hope I would have gotten more mature by then. I hope I would have gotten wiser by then. I hope I can be the godliest woman I can be for you. I can't wait to know who you are, but for now I pray that you can be patient, too, trusting God's perfect timing.

Married to Jesus

Although I've never dated, I would say that my heart has a good history of being fluttery, obsessive, desperate, and just down right crazy sometimes for guys.

At retreat last month, I shared a cabin with high school girls. Naturally, we got on the topic of dating. And honestly, I told them I've never dated and I was the oldest girl camper with them. Which I said with humor and absolutely no shame, until they actually thought that I was hurting or something and they tried to comfort me. "It's ok that you've never dated. God will find you someone." "Don't worry about not finding a boyfriend, Tori. You remember blah blah blah? Well he's like way older than you and he hasn't dated either."

I was disgusted that they thought I was ashamed or sad because I never dated. I suppose that there has been many many times where I questioned myself critically for being single my whole life. But thinking about it now, I am so glad I haven't dated. I know so certainly, that I would have worshiped the guy. It wouldn't matter who it was, because I was so desperate. I wasn't going around flirting with everyone or something, but my heart was easily moved. And while I was in school, I did notice when girls started to date, then there were a couple more, and more and before I knew it, I was one of the very few that never even held hands with a guy before. I am so glad I didn't date. With the list of priorities and thoughts and principles and the gigantic lack of wisdom I had, I know so surely now that it would have went downhill faster than a greased marble, riding on banana peels, down a buttered ramp. God's been totally watching over me even before I knew Him.

Even now, I find myself to be distracted by guys. Definitely not as much. With some thought, I think I should make this commitment with myself and God that dating for the next year will just not even be an option. This way I can stay more focused on my relationship with Jesus. And I'm growing really tired of thinking about guys. Tired about blogging, talking, and thinking about them. I think God's really helped me in taking away a lot of that obsession and worry I had. It was so pathetic and sad. God must have felt hurt for me when he saw me so desperate, so lacking of faith. I think this will be one of the best decisions to make right now. Just, not even think about how that guy thinks about me, or anything bleh like that. I will just think to myself .. dude, I'm not gonna date this year. It's not gonna happen. Married to Jesus right now.

I'm going to hide my facebook relationship status. I know it seems kinda silly, to have to keep it so accurate, but I think it can have effect. If you put out dating or engaged or married, then you know that person is off limits, but if you put single, it suggests.. no, it doesn't suggest, it SAYS 'I'm available for dating'. I'm gonna hide it for me. And it's definitely not like anyone is hounding at my door or anything. Just make a mental note for myself that dating is not what I'm looking for right now and it doesn't concern anyone on Facebook whether or not I'm available.


It's probably going to be a little weird or difficult at first. But I really wish I made this choice a lot earlier.

My heart will only beat for Jesus. Everything I do will be for Him, not for man. Pure mind, good thoughts, peace in my heart.

First Disappointment

My heart was hurting so much after tonight, and I guess I took some silly photos on facebook, made some small online messaging, and an international student seems to be warming up to the fellowship! all those things didn't make my heart hurt less, but it helped me forget about the aching. And I reconciled with a brother and I gave encouragement to another sister who I have great respect and admiration for. All those things gave me comfort and I managed to close me eyes and sleep.

But the fire alarm went off at 5am and after it was over and everyone was back in their beds, I closed my eyes but my heart just hurted as much as before if not more. I can't sleep because of that sadness. It's not a heart attack or something physically dangerous I think.

But my heart hurts for very valid reasons. Yesterday it hurted because I was selfish, rude, and a waste of space. Today, it hurts because people in my fellowship didn't care. And now I am upset. Because I brought a guest, a new prospective member of InterVarsity to the InterVarsity potluck dinner. Their response was nothing. They did nothing, they had their own conversations and ignored us. They did nothing. I don't give a damn if my spiritual gift is evangelism or not, it is hard and scary for me to talk to people, to initiate conversations. I sacrifice a lot of my own comfort to make others feel comfortable. While I'm not the best at evangelism, I'm not even particularly good, but I know I try very very hard for my standards and previous experience and I force myself to do those things, because I know this body belongs to Jesus and I want it to be used for him. I don't care if my spiritual gift is evangelism and theirs is in worship or planning or preaching or sweeping the damn floor, if there is someone new, you make them feel comfortable. You don't shun them and ignore them and make them feel like an outsider. Maybe, just maybe, that would happen at a pagan event where everyone minded their own business and did their own thing, but we were at a church! We just had dinner! Our last teaching at large group was about bringing UNITY in the fellowship! My heart hurts. What is wrong with these people? Why are they so ignorant, so blind? Maybe they were mad at me because I brought a guest to the event, but she had the permission. Maybe they were mad at me because I added a chair to the table and they had to waste their energy scooting their chairs, maybe that's why they behaved that way. Maybe they were like that because ... because they were just damn ignorant. My heart hurts. Fix me, God, and give me more love for the family, give me more patience to endure this, give me the Holy Spirit and more strength to motivate change. I'm afraid I'm asking for too much. God, just give me the Holy Spirit, the rest will simply follow and fall in place.

Asian Fantasy

"I'm so jealous of you", she said. "You know, every guy has an Asian fantasy. I don't know one guy that hasn't thought about gettin' it with an Asian before"

"I've asked some American guys and, yea, they said they like Asian people, but they are not ideal for girlfriend or marriage", he explained.

Does my personality mean nothing in this world? There is a lot of sacrifice for even an ABC to marry an American; it's waving goodbye to a huge chunk of possibility of getting closer to my native language, culture, people. It's a huge sacrifice and a huge difference in lifestyle! I never thought it was possible until I came to Carbondale, but I can be satisfied living in a small town. And I think I am willing to make the sacrifice of abandoning my culture for an American. But I never really considered the other perspective, the other possibility that they don't want anything to do with Asians. That there is still a high level of racism and tension against the Asians and white people.

I wish I knew why it's so much harder to bond with white people. I wish there wasn't even a difference. God, it hurts my heart to find that some guys won't even consider me just because I am Asian. In an evolution/adaptation standpoint, my weaknesses: my height, my lack of curvature. My possible strengths: intelligence is not too bad, personality-wise most people would say I am nice, sweet, or kind

Maybe it's because my eyes don't look like the ocean, or a burning fire, or like the grass or anything special. Maybe it's because my hair is boring, too straight, too common, depressing even. Maybe because my nose is too flat, my eyes are not round enough, my checks are not high enough, my chin is not sharp enough.

There have been many moments when I just want to go back to the M.A.C. store and show them the picture of my prom night and say, "can you work that magic again? I want to look beautiful." But right now, as I look the normal way I look, natural and without makeup, touch-up, etc, no one stops for a split second to stare at me, to look at me, to notice me, to glance at me. But if I did get the right make-up and if I did look like how I did at prom night every night and if that did make people stop to stare, to look, to notice, to glance, to trip-fall-and-die, to talk to me, to flirt with me, to hit of me, to ask me out, to take me to dinner, to buy me drinks, to hold the door open, to make detours, go out of their way just to see/talk/be around me.. then I would not be satisfied. Maybe I would be happy for a moment. But if there is a guy I like and he is unresponsive to me until I get that "make-over", and suddenly he has interest and does a lot of things to get my attention, then I would be extremely unsatisfied. Because I don't want people to like me because of my face, I wish my heart was good enough to make people want to stay around me. I wish my heart was good enough to catch a guy's attention, to have him stop and think "wow" I wish I were that impactful, that significant.

Prayer for Love and Wisdom

When I have weakness in my heart, and I find my fellow brothers and sisters shying away from a good relationship with me, Lord, I pray that You give me more love. That if I have a brother who stepped on my foot or spat at my words, Lord, I pray that You give me more love. That my nature to wickedness, my inclination to evil, my resistance to You, God, would be all cast aside! I pray that You give me more love when I find it irritating to listen to a sister, to look at a brother, to even be in the same room as one. I pray for more love, because I once was dead, but now I live because Christ lives in me. I pray for more wisdom, I pray for the Holy Spirit to come to me and give me the right words to say to my non-believing friends and other new Christians. I pray that everything I've done and will do has been and will be according to Your will. The evil that easily fills my heart, rip it open if you must, so that all the evil may leave it. And I pray for more patience in finding the right church. Because some times I feel like a wall flower, a lot of times I feel like I don't really know those people and they're trying excessively hard to look perfect and it is starting to annoy the hell out of me because they start sounding like robots, like they have no soul, like they're just imitations of each other, like the words that come out are recorded on a tape and is looped to play on forever and ever. Lord, the bad thoughts I have, I want to pray them away. The bad things I still am, I pray them away. I wish I knew what I am doing right now.

Singularity: Recipe for a Guilty Suspect

One thing I absolutely despise about being single is when the women think I am after their men. I hate it, absolutely hate it. Don't confuse my kindness as flirting. Don't confuse my gentleness as being lovedrunk. Don't confuse it! Don't confuse it!

 I place a large part of the blame on the guy. He thinks he is all that. He thinks he is a great find.

He must think I really admire him. He must think that I think he is so amazing, like the best thing I've ever heard of. He must think I couldn't handle the kindness that he showed for that brief moment. And in many ways he is a great guy. I can't find anything wrong with him except that he thinks of himself very highly. But even if a guy was an ideally perfect bachelor, it doesn't mean I would like him. Even if a guy was hunted down and stalked by lists of girls, it doesn't mean I would like him. Those feelings just come, not like something I can really control. And honestly, I feel absolutely nothing like that for him. Never even a thought of it, seriously.

And I can just feel it, he thinks I'm obsessed. He thinks I'm in love with him. Oh, Lord! I feel like I am being framed! Like they are stuffing a dead cat down my throat! I don't like him! But it feels like I'm being talked about. It feels like I'm being looked down on. It feels like my long held reputation of being clean, innocent, and untouched has been reduced to a desperate, scheming, boyfriend-stealing little Asian girl. I don't want that to be me. His only problem, narcissism, is hurting me. I am so glad my Lord knows my innocence. My Lord knows I would never dare to break people apart, to plot such wickedness, to shame Him like that.

He is such a nice person to talk to. I really appreciate having him as a friend, thinking of him no more than being another brother in Christ because he had my back and I intended to have his. But his narcissism, it is so dumb. I don't think I have ever ever ever ever flirted with him. And I am quite disturbed to even think that I may have given off that sort of vibe.. Ugh.. Disgusting, disturbing, despicable. I honestly hope I am not being used to make the girlfriend try harder to please him. I honestly hope the guy wakes up from his narcissism. I hope the girl realize my innocence. But if none of that happens, I am glad my Lord knows. Because that is all that matters, what my Lord knows. He knows my heart. But I don't think He would want misunderstandings to float around, especially since we are supposed to be the body, especially since we go to the same church.

Status

Is it weird to update your relationship status on networking websites? I feel awkwardness in updating mine. In the past I didn't update it as single because I had this gut feeling I would be single for a long long time and I would appear lame.

But now, I feel like if I put my status as single, I am appearing desperate, telling the facebook world that I am available.If they want to know if I have dated before, they could simply look at my profile pictures and note that there has ony been me. Singular. Not plural. Just me. I was never paired, I have been single, I am the sock without a match. I am a single, alone, by myself.

And I feel like putting my orientation makes me seem obnoxious and desperate. "I am interested in men and I am single" that sounds so wrong. I am seeking relationship or friendship. Flat out, weird! Even having it say "Interested in: Men" Men isn't really my hobby.. It's not like I'm interested in cooking, watching movies, chemistry, the architecture of Chicago.. Being interested in men sounds so.. questionable and strange.

Marry me, Jesus!

If I do get the opportunity, I only want to date Christians because nothing is more important to me than God. And I cannot let anyone pull me away from Him. No one! No one! No one! God is good, all the time! All the time, God is good! This sheep learned so much over the weekend. This sheep, who once was lost, realized that she didn't just find her shepherd randomly, but it was Jesus who brought her back to the good shepherd. It was Jesus, sent by God, that brought me back to Him. It is by grace, and grace alone. And I need, absolutely need, to show Jesus my love.

Jesus, in our relationship, if I evaluate the perspectives: my commitment, my concentration, my effort, my love.. then I would say that we have been dating for the last several years. But now I want to propose an engagement! I want to be faithful to you, I want to be yours forever. I want to marry you and I am surprised that we haven't! Let the wedding bells ring!

Sudden Symptoms of a Crush

Very sensitive, very observant, very responsive. "So, Victoria! Who do you like? Jacob! You think he's cute? Or, do you like Grape Juice!" Wow at how fast he spoke and my heart skipped some beats at the shock of what he asked. Really shocked. I guess that was his kind rejection. Him, saying, "Don't like me! Don't like me! Please, don't like me!" I was going to say " I like you!!!" as a joke, but he didn't let me finish. Maybe he was afraid to hear it, even if it weren't true.

I thought about it more before I went to sleep, after I woke up, and during my walk to classes. I need to set him straight. I need to tell him not to worry about me fantasizing about him, not to worry about me falling in crush/like/love with him. Because these symptoms he may have noticed, these signs I had that may have suggested a crush was developing/ has developed, weren't completely true. He is so awesome, so funny, so freakin' funny, and I just like being around him. I like listening to him talk. And it is very likely that even I may have confused that as being a crush for several moments, but in conclusion, I am really grateful to have met him. I want him in my life, and I don't know how to say that or mean that without any relationship/reference/hinting to it being a crush.

And I told them I've never dated, never had sex. So if he really asked that for the sake of asking it, then I can only reason logically that.. in a girl's life.. if she has never dated for eighteen years, just because there are new guys in her life, it doesn't mean she's gonna start dating.

It doesn't mean the problem was the guys in my life. All along, the problem has been me.

I've been the problem. I've been the reason why I've never dated. I've been the reason why I was never a girlfriend. I've been the reason.

And I really want to confide in him, tell him what I'm feeling like he is my dear friend. I want to tell him that, I'm feeling like I won't find anyone to date in college either. Because everyone else here is concerned only about sex. Those who have had it are looking for more. Those who haven't are so desperately looking for some. And then there's me, one that doesn't want it at all... that is until I'm married.

 God doesn't want me to be desperate, and I am saying this not because of any feminist opinions, but because  God really doesn't want me to chase after men.


³⁴  An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. ³⁵ I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.

1 Corinthians 6:34-35

God, I still do hope and expect to get married some day. But I completely acknowledge the possibility of that not happening at all. Haha.

So wierd,,,,,

it's like seeing an ex- going out with your close friend. How awkward... this feeling like I lost him even though I don't really want him to be mine. This feeling of bewilderment with a glint of relief. Like.. how did he ever get over me? Or.. was he even ever obsessed over me? Feels like everything was fake.. and now disturbing. But, the feeling that ends this thought is relief, so I am glad. I am relieved. I am glad that I am relieved. I am so relieved.

If I am

I am really ashamed. I should get struck by lightning, land on a pile of poop and drown in it. And that would be a decent death. If everything I do is because of my family, and everything my family does is all because of me, then I should get stomped on by a stampede of elephants.

I feel really ashamed. It wasn't even something I did, yet I feel like crying. I feel regretful and sorry. I feel stupid and ugly. God, I wish these bad feelings away like they were a bad cold. I wish these bad feelings away like they were cancer, like they were a tumor, a cyst, a 6th toe. I wish I can say I had the right to wish these feelings away. I wish I could say, it wasn't my burden, my responsisbility, my family. It wasn't my family that stole from you yesterday, it wasn't my mom that said it was alright. It wasn't me, that walked away with yours, smiling and happy. It wasn't me. She'll forgive me, but I'll still feel like crap. He'll forgive me, but I'll still feel like crap. I'll forgive him, but I'll still feel like crap. I think I feel worse than crap. Because.. how bad can crap really feel? I mean.. it's turd, it's poop, it's excretion. If I were a piece of poop, I don't think I'd feel that bad.. I think poops are carefree and laidback, they just sit there, in the cold, in the sun, in the grass, in the street. I don't feel like crap. I feel terrible. I wish I felt like crap.

Devastation

"AHH!", I want to scream.
Tears, I want to cry.
Babies, I want to smash (not really).

But I won't. Because I'll do whatever God has chosen for me, because He only has love for me. Pure, unfailing, awesome love. 

I just pray, with a little hope, that God chose me to fly.

Dying

I'm holding it in. I'm holding it in like a kid holding in his pee during squats. I'm holding it in like a kid holding in his fart during lunges. I'm holding it in like a kid holding in his poop during a tennis match.

I feel like I'm about to go crazy. In psychology, it said kids often grow up to have the same temperant of their parents, a nature thing. I guess that true, but I depise the thought of having my mom's personality. I do notice that I have her OCD-like temperant. But lately, I've been trying extremely hard to hold it in, that anger. Like if I even let myself go even a little tiny bit, it'd be like pooping myself. And I believe there is progress in terms of how often I show/express my pissed-offness. But I feel like I'm suffocating. Like my church, my friends, my school, and more so my family is leaking carbon monoxide into my lungs. Maybe that's why I like to stay later after work is over.

I wish my boss would adopt me. I stood next to her, so torn at the thought that I couldn't talk to her more. At that moment I wanted to yell, "I love you, Joanna! Can you adopt me?" God, I love her! I'm not sure why. And I'm not sure why I'm so terrible to my own mother. I think we're both suffocating each other, but she doesn't know it. Each uttererance of her dry raspy voice is each brain cell that commits suicide in my brain. Each of my rude remarks is another migraine to her infinity of problems. She doesn't know it, but I'm killing her. She doesn't know it but I'm dying.