Matt. 28// I want full-time

 Propelled by fear that is accompanied by joy.. or is it just fear itself? There has been something beautiful about fear in the study of matthew. "Do not fear, it is me. Take heart. Do not be afraid." This semester I have been so afraid. Afraid of not meeting my parents' expectations. Afraid of graduating and not knowing where I'll be afterwards. Afraid of loneliness. Afraid of the unknown.

In Matthew 28, there is this beautiful illustration of commanding and responding. Pretty much what happens is, the two Mary's approach the tomb. There is an earthquake, and the sight of this angel terrifies the shit out of these guards.

The angel tells the Mary's, Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus... Come and see the place where he lay. 7 Then go quickly and tell his disciples...” 

8 So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. 

Then Jesus greets them, and says to them "Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me."

The guards had a contrasting response. They also went and told. They told the chief priests and elders, who then tells them to lie and to not be afraid because they would be kept out of trouble. The guards were solely afraid, they had no joy in that news. 

However, because Jesus has all the authority, we, as disciples, are to go and make disciples, to baptize, to teach. 

Go, because you recognize the authority, the identity of the one who commands you. 

Go because you recognize the peace and the truth that comes with the message. 

Go because the natural response of knowing God is to go and tell others, to go and make disciples.

"All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Therefore [you] go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age"

I have a nightmare too

I have anxiety problems. I am overly emotional and face life with my heart glued to my forehead. It guides me. It consumes me. It is demanding and unable to be silenced.

Sometimes the world feels like it's too much, too dark, too painful. I have been seeking counseling to help unravel my misery, my anxiety, my thoughts.. to get to the root, to find the pattern, to break the cycle.

From my infantile state, poison was spoken into my life.
They hate us because you're not a boy. 
They look down on us because of you and where your mom is from. 
They will never love your mom or you. 
Why are you so stupid? 
Why do you bother to go to school when you're just so useless?

Sometimes life feels like a nightmare, like an endless track of horror on replay. What is going on? When will it end? When will it stop? When will I be whole?
Slowly, Victoria. The answer is 'slowly.'
I have been in this cycle for 21 years. The answer is slowly. I can't go home. My nightmare is still playing. It wants to eat me alive. It wants my soul. If I don't wake up, it will have it.