My home is where my Father is. Not an earthly home, people, or place. My home is where my Father is. When I feel alone, forgotten, and so insanely left out, I remember my home is where my Father is.
I smile. I grit my teeth. I say I am thankful, and I am. All I can do is say positive things, because if I don't.. life really really sucks. If I don't.. I don't know what's left. "God is the one who sustains me and gives me hope." I'm afraid I'm going to go crazy saying the same things over and over again to comfort myself.
"I don't come here for fellowship. I have no fellowship here. I don't come here for friends. I have no friends here. I don't come here to be loved. I don't come here to be cared for. I come here for God. He gives me all I need."
Thursday, August 13, 2015
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
HIS BRIDE (a rant)
At the identity workshop, one woman asked, "How can I become a strong Godly single woman?" So we entered into the topic of singleness.
There is some talk of, "You're single, because you're not ready for a relationship yet and God is having you wait for your own good." Or it's like you're in a car ride, constantly asking, "are we there yet?" and God is the annoyed parent, who tells you to wait. Or there is the circular, you'll have a boyfriend/husband, when you stop looking. Ugh.. I just want to vomit. These words, I've probably said before, but now I'm sick of hearing them.
God made marriage, and He loves marriage. I don't want to grow bitter towards relationships, but I hate how the desire for marriage/dating takes so much attention (even my own). Our lives do not revolve around being in a relationship. We are not in this season of singleness-trial because God desires to whip us in shape for a Godly husband. A marriage relationship between a man and woman is just an attempt to imitate the slightest fragment of the covenant marriage that we are waiting for, as God's bride. The fact is that no marriage between man and woman will fully capture, nor come close, to the relationship God has with us.
I believe that you can date/marry someone even when you're not "ready." What is ready? No one is going to enter into any relationship with no sin issues, baggage, or false expectations. We try our best, and even that will fail sometimes.. but in our failures, we keep trying because of the hope that was given to us from what was accomplished through Jesus'. We wait expectantly and confidently for our groom to return to us. We wait faithfully and boldly for the one we love. Even in dating and marriage, that person I date/marry should challenge me to love God more. The point is not to be his bride, but to be His bride. and likewise for women.. we should help our brothers to love God more, to faithfully wait, too.
As long as we look at a singleness circumstance as, 'I am single because I am not ready to be in a relationship,' we are going to miss the point and do a huge disservice to women who are single. This idea insinuates a defect in single women, and women in relationships have "passed the test." A woman who is dating or in a relationship will continue to face trials, struggles, and testing.
'I am being worked on because the way that I am currently is not going to produce a healthy relationship. I will trust in God's timing and pruning' We are not pruned for marriage to another human being, we are pruned to likeness with Christ.. and that would result in good things, and we should love others better if we are more like Christ. I've seen plenty of amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, incredibly faithful and spiritual women single in later ages.
But as always, this anger and upset-ness I feel says more about my judgments of myself and where I have been in this thought process. I am more angry with myself than I am with the words that were said in the workshop, angry that I have missed the mark for so long.. angry that I'll still struggle and miss the mark despite knowing this intellectually to some capacity.. angry that although this is something I know and remember right now, I might doubt, forget, and wrestle with this for the rest of my life, but I am willing to wrestle until my groom returns.
There is some talk of, "You're single, because you're not ready for a relationship yet and God is having you wait for your own good." Or it's like you're in a car ride, constantly asking, "are we there yet?" and God is the annoyed parent, who tells you to wait. Or there is the circular, you'll have a boyfriend/husband, when you stop looking. Ugh.. I just want to vomit. These words, I've probably said before, but now I'm sick of hearing them.
God made marriage, and He loves marriage. I don't want to grow bitter towards relationships, but I hate how the desire for marriage/dating takes so much attention (even my own). Our lives do not revolve around being in a relationship. We are not in this season of singleness-trial because God desires to whip us in shape for a Godly husband. A marriage relationship between a man and woman is just an attempt to imitate the slightest fragment of the covenant marriage that we are waiting for, as God's bride. The fact is that no marriage between man and woman will fully capture, nor come close, to the relationship God has with us.
I believe that you can date/marry someone even when you're not "ready." What is ready? No one is going to enter into any relationship with no sin issues, baggage, or false expectations. We try our best, and even that will fail sometimes.. but in our failures, we keep trying because of the hope that was given to us from what was accomplished through Jesus'. We wait expectantly and confidently for our groom to return to us. We wait faithfully and boldly for the one we love. Even in dating and marriage, that person I date/marry should challenge me to love God more. The point is not to be his bride, but to be His bride. and likewise for women.. we should help our brothers to love God more, to faithfully wait, too.
As long as we look at a singleness circumstance as, 'I am single because I am not ready to be in a relationship,' we are going to miss the point and do a huge disservice to women who are single. This idea insinuates a defect in single women, and women in relationships have "passed the test." A woman who is dating or in a relationship will continue to face trials, struggles, and testing.
'I am being worked on because the way that I am currently is not going to produce a healthy relationship. I will trust in God's timing and pruning' We are not pruned for marriage to another human being, we are pruned to likeness with Christ.. and that would result in good things, and we should love others better if we are more like Christ. I've seen plenty of amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, incredibly faithful and spiritual women single in later ages.
But as always, this anger and upset-ness I feel says more about my judgments of myself and where I have been in this thought process. I am more angry with myself than I am with the words that were said in the workshop, angry that I have missed the mark for so long.. angry that I'll still struggle and miss the mark despite knowing this intellectually to some capacity.. angry that although this is something I know and remember right now, I might doubt, forget, and wrestle with this for the rest of my life, but I am willing to wrestle until my groom returns.
Trapped Under the Carpet
We spend hours and days cleaning our house, so our honored guest would come.. and we'd tell them, "excuse our mess, we haven't had the chance to clean." Kelly is engaged and recently passed her boards. I am doing humble work. We talk about our houses, our cars, and our great lives. We wear nice clothes and shoes. We spend more than we normally do. We go places we normally don't go to.
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