The other day, things got a the most tense it's ever been between me and my roommate. Our other roommate left and it's just been extremely draining (spiritually, mentally, emotionally) to think/talk/mention ANYTHING about our other roommate. I can't pin the issues all on any one person, and I can't say that I've been blameless during this whole entire experience, but the other day I just felt pushed so hard. I felt like I was my dad, the way my mom suffocated him with her words. "I wish I never married you. You're scum. You're useless. You can't stand up for yourself, you can't stand up for me, you can't stand up for your kids, you piece of shhh" Ok she never really said "piece of shhh", but sometimes you don't need to explicitly say the words to bring up the same emotions if not worse
"You can't stand up for yourself. All you do is say, 'It's ok baby, I'm here." FAWE@%#$&!!!! I hate, I ABHOR I DESPISE that freakin damn voice she uses to mock me. I haven't longed to curse so bad since Beechpoint when someone was trying to put me down mentally for not being well-versed in the Bible. My flesh is so raw. All I really did was raise my voice for maybe 5 words, and it was so unexpected for the both of us. "What did you say? You mean that to me?," she said. What does she friggin' want me to do? Flip some damn tables? Slap our old roommate? Verbally destroy her and ban her from all church activities? Freaaaaaaaaaaaaaak! If she wants ungodliness from me, it's here. Lord, I'm dying. Save this f-ed up heart again that's back at square 1.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Perfect Plan Perfect Pace
Whatever you want to do with me God, do it. Whatever you want for me God, let it be, let it happen.
The other week I was feeling impatient about the topic of singleness, my singleness. Almost twenty and still haven't yet, but still I am so so so so SO glad God shielded me from the mess that could've been. So one weekend, as we were gliding along the roads circling the hills, I was looking through the sunroof in the car. I was enjoying the breeze softly caressing my head and my hair running wild in the air like spilled ink.
"God, I want what you want for me. I want what you have prepared for me. Because you know all my needs. What you have intended for me, is all I want," I thought to myself. "If that's really what I want, then why am I so impatient? Why am I so doubtful? Why am I shaming my Father's name with my lack of faith? If I really want God's will, then I should be more patient, more faithful, more at peace." So God, I will be patient. I will be content. Because God, you know me better than anyone else knows me. God knows what I need. So I can trust that His plans are far better than mine. So I will be faithful. Lord, I will walk at your pace. Not that your pace is slow, but because your pace is perfect.
The other week I was feeling impatient about the topic of singleness, my singleness. Almost twenty and still haven't yet, but still I am so so so so SO glad God shielded me from the mess that could've been. So one weekend, as we were gliding along the roads circling the hills, I was looking through the sunroof in the car. I was enjoying the breeze softly caressing my head and my hair running wild in the air like spilled ink.
"God, I want what you want for me. I want what you have prepared for me. Because you know all my needs. What you have intended for me, is all I want," I thought to myself. "If that's really what I want, then why am I so impatient? Why am I so doubtful? Why am I shaming my Father's name with my lack of faith? If I really want God's will, then I should be more patient, more faithful, more at peace." So God, I will be patient. I will be content. Because God, you know me better than anyone else knows me. God knows what I need. So I can trust that His plans are far better than mine. So I will be faithful. Lord, I will walk at your pace. Not that your pace is slow, but because your pace is perfect.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Every moment of every second
I think I'm still soaking it all in. All the hell that I've been going through because I've been trying to finish up this flight class from May, this license I've been working on since August 2011. I got it today! It's mine. It was completely grace. God's grace and the check airmen's grace. I knew the odds of me passing were slimmer than slim jim, slimmer than a piece of angel hair. In one of my many emotion breakdowns from the stress of this course, I cried out, "I thought the odds of me passing this course was maybe 10 or 20%, but actually the chances are zero, none. Absolutely none. I can't pass if my maneuvers are not to standards, and only one of all my maneuver was to standards the last time I flew." I didn't even practice short field landings since May! I couldn't even get my soft field landings to flare. Hell, even my normal landings were questionable. But that flight, my landings were beautiful. I'm not sure if the instructor helped me land, but I don't think so. It always feels like someone else is on the controls with your feet for some reason. My gosh, my biggest fear: Short-field landing. Upon touchdown of the main wheels, within maybe 2-3 seconds you apply breaks, flaps up, apply back pressure. I can't even describe how freakin' awesome my short field landing was. What the heck. Every single landing, the flare, the part I struggled with the most wasn't even the slightest problem today. My God in heaven who is almighty today and everyday.
After the check airmen passed me by his great grace and mercy I ran up the stairs to my 201A flight instructor who is my 200 ground instructor this year. My eyes were tearing up when I knocked on his door, but no answer. Then down the hall I saw my current instructor. Ah, I just couldn't hold it. I cried my little eyes out. How much I wanted a hug then, from anyone. I didn't even mind personal space at that moment, but I didn't ask for one, nor did I get one. But I just cried and gasped and smiled and cried and laughed. I took a breather outside and prayed and called my dad and tried calling some other people. Then I cried another time to someone else just by pure joy and pure I DON'T KNOW!!! Finally.. the sweetest part of my day. I waited for him after class, and showed him my private pilot wings. We went to his room to get my gift. I knew he hung a tshirt of my face in his office on the day that I had my first solo. The school was doing this new thing celebrating aviation milestones of the students in their program and putting a picture of the student and the plane online, He handed me a package and told me to open it. I opened it, it was pictures I posed for the website that he took after I landed on my first solo, I thought. I looked through more and more, and there was a picture of an airplane. And another picture of a take off. And another picture of a plane taxiing. And another picture of a plane in the sky. "What do you think, Tori?"
"I had no idea," I cried my heart out. He was there watching me the whole time. And he showed me the back of the t-shirt that I never got to see. "Don't give up on me, Mr. T" I told him that during one of our flights together, teary-eyed and feeling worthless and pathetic.
The experience getting my private pilot felt like hell, especially since March after getting lost and sqwaking 7700. I went through so many emotional explosions and I put myself through so much crap because I was drowning in self-pity, in guilt. "I feel stuck." If anything this experience made my passion for this career take root. I won't be blown over so easily. I am still not 100% sure what aviation will be for me in the future, but for now I feel confident that God says I can continue my flight training.
God was in control this whole entire time. I went through all that, where I could've doubted and questioned where was God's love and mercy. Every moment of every second, he was there. He taught me so much more through the extra three months it took me to finish this course, the extra $4,000. Haha. But I trust in my God today. I trust in Him forever.
After the check airmen passed me by his great grace and mercy I ran up the stairs to my 201A flight instructor who is my 200 ground instructor this year. My eyes were tearing up when I knocked on his door, but no answer. Then down the hall I saw my current instructor. Ah, I just couldn't hold it. I cried my little eyes out. How much I wanted a hug then, from anyone. I didn't even mind personal space at that moment, but I didn't ask for one, nor did I get one. But I just cried and gasped and smiled and cried and laughed. I took a breather outside and prayed and called my dad and tried calling some other people. Then I cried another time to someone else just by pure joy and pure I DON'T KNOW!!! Finally.. the sweetest part of my day. I waited for him after class, and showed him my private pilot wings. We went to his room to get my gift. I knew he hung a tshirt of my face in his office on the day that I had my first solo. The school was doing this new thing celebrating aviation milestones of the students in their program and putting a picture of the student and the plane online, He handed me a package and told me to open it. I opened it, it was pictures I posed for the website that he took after I landed on my first solo, I thought. I looked through more and more, and there was a picture of an airplane. And another picture of a take off. And another picture of a plane taxiing. And another picture of a plane in the sky. "What do you think, Tori?"
"I had no idea," I cried my heart out. He was there watching me the whole time. And he showed me the back of the t-shirt that I never got to see. "Don't give up on me, Mr. T" I told him that during one of our flights together, teary-eyed and feeling worthless and pathetic.
The experience getting my private pilot felt like hell, especially since March after getting lost and sqwaking 7700. I went through so many emotional explosions and I put myself through so much crap because I was drowning in self-pity, in guilt. "I feel stuck." If anything this experience made my passion for this career take root. I won't be blown over so easily. I am still not 100% sure what aviation will be for me in the future, but for now I feel confident that God says I can continue my flight training.
God was in control this whole entire time. I went through all that, where I could've doubted and questioned where was God's love and mercy. Every moment of every second, he was there. He taught me so much more through the extra three months it took me to finish this course, the extra $4,000. Haha. But I trust in my God today. I trust in Him forever.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Friday, October 12, 2012
Belong to Jesus
I'm useless to my King if I do not abide in Him. I am useless to my King if I do not believe in His commands for me. I am useless to my King if my passion for Him is simply lukewarm. I am useless to my King if I don't understand the urgency of my faithfulness.
God wake me up. Slap me silly until I realize my calling, until my faith is strong. I don't want to be useless. I don't want to be lukewarm. I don't want to be stale. I belong to Jesus. I want to be radical for Jesus. Jesus, help me die to myself daily so I can love more like you.
God wake me up. Slap me silly until I realize my calling, until my faith is strong. I don't want to be useless. I don't want to be lukewarm. I don't want to be stale. I belong to Jesus. I want to be radical for Jesus. Jesus, help me die to myself daily so I can love more like you.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
The Crazy Roommate
Who is the crazy roommate? The crazy roommate never knows that she is the crazy roommate. The crazy roommate always believes that the other roommate(s) is the crazy roommate.
The past eight-weeks I've been hearing two completely different stories. (1)From the person. (2)About the person. Is she who she says she is. Or is she how others tell me she is. Since contents from (1) and (2) are such polar opposites, it either makes (1) a psychopathic liar or (2) a psychopathic liar.
God I have no ideaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa........ WHO IS THE CRAZY ROOMMATE. MAYBE I'M THE CRAZY ROOMMATE. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.. no this is the work of the enemy. If we can't put this behind us with love and mercy and forgiveness, then it will swallow us whole and spit out nothing left. Lord, this is crazy.
The past eight-weeks I've been hearing two completely different stories. (1)From the person. (2)About the person. Is she who she says she is. Or is she how others tell me she is. Since contents from (1) and (2) are such polar opposites, it either makes (1) a psychopathic liar or (2) a psychopathic liar.
God I have no ideaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa........ WHO IS THE CRAZY ROOMMATE. MAYBE I'M THE CRAZY ROOMMATE. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.. no this is the work of the enemy. If we can't put this behind us with love and mercy and forgiveness, then it will swallow us whole and spit out nothing left. Lord, this is crazy.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)