Raw Sin

The other day, things got a the most tense it's ever been between me and my roommate. Our other roommate left and it's just been extremely draining (spiritually, mentally, emotionally) to think/talk/mention ANYTHING about our other roommate. I can't pin the issues all on any one person, and I can't say that I've been blameless during this whole entire experience, but the other day I just felt pushed so hard. I felt like I was my dad, the way my mom suffocated him with her words. "I wish I never married you. You're scum. You're useless. You can't stand up for yourself, you can't stand up for me, you can't stand up for your kids, you piece of shhh" Ok she never really said "piece of shhh", but sometimes you don't need to explicitly say the words to bring up the same emotions if not worse

"You can't stand up for yourself. All you do is say, 'It's ok baby, I'm here." FAWE@%#$&!!!! I hate, I ABHOR  I DESPISE that freakin damn voice she uses to mock me. I haven't longed to curse so bad since Beechpoint when someone was trying to put me down mentally for not being well-versed in the Bible. My flesh is so raw. All I really did was raise my voice for maybe 5 words, and it was so unexpected for the both of us. "What did you say? You mean that to me?," she said. What does she friggin' want me to do? Flip some damn tables? Slap our old roommate? Verbally destroy her and ban her from all church activities?  Freaaaaaaaaaaaaaak! If she wants ungodliness from me, it's here. Lord, I'm dying. Save this f-ed up heart again that's back at square 1.