Lord, even if things don't get better, You've taught me that you are still good. So I cry out from the depths:
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
HIS BRIDE (a rant)
At the identity workshop, one woman asked, "How can I become a strong Godly single woman?" So we entered into the topic of singleness.
There is some talk of, "You're single, because you're not ready for a relationship yet and God is having you wait for your own good." Or it's like you're in a car ride, constantly asking, "are we there yet?" and God is the annoyed parent, who tells you to wait. Or there is the circular, you'll have a boyfriend/husband, when you stop looking. Ugh.. I just want to vomit. These words, I've probably said before, but now I'm sick of hearing them.
God made marriage, and He loves marriage. I don't want to grow bitter towards relationships, but I hate how the desire for marriage/dating takes so much attention (even my own). Our lives do not revolve around being in a relationship. We are not in this season of singleness-trial because God desires to whip us in shape for a Godly husband. A marriage relationship between a man and woman is just an attempt to imitate the slightest fragment of the covenant marriage that we are waiting for, as God's bride. The fact is that no marriage between man and woman will fully capture, nor come close, to the relationship God has with us.
I believe that you can date/marry someone even when you're not "ready." What is ready? No one is going to enter into any relationship with no sin issues, baggage, or false expectations. We try our best, and even that will fail sometimes.. but in our failures, we keep trying because of the hope that was given to us from what was accomplished through Jesus'. We wait expectantly and confidently for our groom to return to us. We wait faithfully and boldly for the one we love. Even in dating and marriage, that person I date/marry should challenge me to love God more. The point is not to be his bride, but to be His bride. and likewise for women.. we should help our brothers to love God more, to faithfully wait, too.
As long as we look at a singleness circumstance as, 'I am single because I am not ready to be in a relationship,' we are going to miss the point and do a huge disservice to women who are single. This idea insinuates a defect in single women, and women in relationships have "passed the test." A woman who is dating or in a relationship will continue to face trials, struggles, and testing.
'I am being worked on because the way that I am currently is not going to produce a healthy relationship. I will trust in God's timing and pruning' We are not pruned for marriage to another human being, we are pruned to likeness with Christ.. and that would result in good things, and we should love others better if we are more like Christ. I've seen plenty of amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, incredibly faithful and spiritual women single in later ages.
But as always, this anger and upset-ness I feel says more about my judgments of myself and where I have been in this thought process. I am more angry with myself than I am with the words that were said in the workshop, angry that I have missed the mark for so long.. angry that I'll still struggle and miss the mark despite knowing this intellectually to some capacity.. angry that although this is something I know and remember right now, I might doubt, forget, and wrestle with this for the rest of my life, but I am willing to wrestle until my groom returns.
There is some talk of, "You're single, because you're not ready for a relationship yet and God is having you wait for your own good." Or it's like you're in a car ride, constantly asking, "are we there yet?" and God is the annoyed parent, who tells you to wait. Or there is the circular, you'll have a boyfriend/husband, when you stop looking. Ugh.. I just want to vomit. These words, I've probably said before, but now I'm sick of hearing them.
God made marriage, and He loves marriage. I don't want to grow bitter towards relationships, but I hate how the desire for marriage/dating takes so much attention (even my own). Our lives do not revolve around being in a relationship. We are not in this season of singleness-trial because God desires to whip us in shape for a Godly husband. A marriage relationship between a man and woman is just an attempt to imitate the slightest fragment of the covenant marriage that we are waiting for, as God's bride. The fact is that no marriage between man and woman will fully capture, nor come close, to the relationship God has with us.
I believe that you can date/marry someone even when you're not "ready." What is ready? No one is going to enter into any relationship with no sin issues, baggage, or false expectations. We try our best, and even that will fail sometimes.. but in our failures, we keep trying because of the hope that was given to us from what was accomplished through Jesus'. We wait expectantly and confidently for our groom to return to us. We wait faithfully and boldly for the one we love. Even in dating and marriage, that person I date/marry should challenge me to love God more. The point is not to be his bride, but to be His bride. and likewise for women.. we should help our brothers to love God more, to faithfully wait, too.
As long as we look at a singleness circumstance as, 'I am single because I am not ready to be in a relationship,' we are going to miss the point and do a huge disservice to women who are single. This idea insinuates a defect in single women, and women in relationships have "passed the test." A woman who is dating or in a relationship will continue to face trials, struggles, and testing.
'I am being worked on because the way that I am currently is not going to produce a healthy relationship. I will trust in God's timing and pruning' We are not pruned for marriage to another human being, we are pruned to likeness with Christ.. and that would result in good things, and we should love others better if we are more like Christ. I've seen plenty of amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, incredibly faithful and spiritual women single in later ages.
But as always, this anger and upset-ness I feel says more about my judgments of myself and where I have been in this thought process. I am more angry with myself than I am with the words that were said in the workshop, angry that I have missed the mark for so long.. angry that I'll still struggle and miss the mark despite knowing this intellectually to some capacity.. angry that although this is something I know and remember right now, I might doubt, forget, and wrestle with this for the rest of my life, but I am willing to wrestle until my groom returns.
Friday, June 5, 2015
Under the Sun and the Stars
D: Tori, can you please be quiet for a moment and listen to me? Can you please stay out of the sun?
T: No, I can't. lol
D: What about when you get a boyfriend? Don't you want people to like you?
Change topic...
T:If a boy says to me, "Tori, I'd like you if only you were more white color" he would be an asshole. Is that really what you want for me?
D: That's the truth.
T:Asian Americans are different. We don't think like that
D: No. Everyone does. Don't you get upset when people call you Filipino?
T:Of course I get upset. I get angry not because being Filipino is bad but because Chinese people look down on Filipino's. Just like if people discriminate against black people or Chinese people.. It's not something that we can help. I can't stop being Chinese for them. I can't change that for anyone.
T: No, I can't. lol
D: What about when you get a boyfriend? Don't you want people to like you?
Change topic...
T:If a boy says to me, "Tori, I'd like you if only you were more white color" he would be an asshole. Is that really what you want for me?
D: That's the truth.
T:Asian Americans are different. We don't think like that
D: No. Everyone does. Don't you get upset when people call you Filipino?
T:Of course I get upset. I get angry not because being Filipino is bad but because Chinese people look down on Filipino's. Just like if people discriminate against black people or Chinese people.. It's not something that we can help. I can't stop being Chinese for them. I can't change that for anyone.
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Where you are is where I want to be
Lord, if you say to me, 'Come back to Chicago.' I will come back.
Lord, if you say to me, 'Go to ISU.' I will go to ISU.
Lord, if you say to me, 'Go to ---- Community College.' I will go to ---- Community College.
Lord, if you say to me, 'Stay at Carbondale.' I will stay at Carbondale.
Lord, where you are is where I want to be. Because when I am with you, I am complete, and I lack nothing. Even if it is at your feet, I long for that place. There is no other place like where you are.
Lord, if you say to me, 'Go to ISU.' I will go to ISU.
Lord, if you say to me, 'Go to ---- Community College.' I will go to ---- Community College.
Lord, if you say to me, 'Stay at Carbondale.' I will stay at Carbondale.
Lord, where you are is where I want to be. Because when I am with you, I am complete, and I lack nothing. Even if it is at your feet, I long for that place. There is no other place like where you are.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Not-yet-identified
So this post is mini-inspired by this guy on Facebook. In a lack of pretty words, he's like a Facebook status-whore. I mean that in the best possible way. Sometimes seeing his posts gets annoying just cause' some things mentioned are so personal or subjective, and it doesn't necessary portray Christ-like love like he intends. So he sometimes writes facebook status letters to his future wife, and that's really sweet. I wondered about praying for my future husband and writing to my not-yet-existent-husband. I wasn't sure if that fantasizing would be healthy for my heart, so I never really did it. And sometimes I wonder if God is gonna use me like how he uses those Christian women who are in their mid-thirties and still have never had their first kiss. I guess I lost my first kiss to a girl at a fear factor food challenge, and the next moment to a guy. Anyways, that's not really kiss though, so I'll say that one doesn't really really count. It was pretty gross, bleh. Anyways anyways, a letter for my not-yet-identified-husband.
_____________________________________________________________________
Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've been waiting to meet you for as long as I can remember!!! I've mistook you for some other characters in my life before, but I'm sure you're a pretty cool guy if you're my husband. And I'm sure you were worth the wait and anguish. I guess there hasn't been serious anguish much at all, because God's protected me from a lot of that stuff. God's protected my heart.
Right now I'm at a stage where I really wish I knew who you were already. And almost every single-man in my life, I see him and I think that he can potentially be you! And that scares me. But most of the time when there's a guy, I try to avoid all possible ways of leading him on, because I want to wait for you.
Where ever you are, I hope that you're healthy. I hope that you're happy. I hope that you've surrendered your life to Jesus already. I hope that you're already experiencing the joy of having His sovereignty rule in your life. I wish the very best for you. And sometimes I wonder if you've ever lost pieces of your heart to other women in dating and stuff. It makes me sad to think that you might have given pieces of your heart to other women before me, while it feels like I'm just waiting for you so lame and helpless and Disney. But it's gonna' be ok. So I pray that God is protecting your heart too. I pray that you are my brother in Christ right now.
I can't wait to meet you in God's perfect timing. Maybe we've met already, but I can't wait to meet you as my husband. I really can't wait to meet you, but right now God's working on this ole' heart of mine. He's growing me before I get to meet you. I hope I can be a good wife. I hope my cooking will be better by then. I hope I would have gotten more mature by then. I hope I would have gotten wiser by then. I hope I can be the godliest woman I can be for you. I can't wait to know who you are, but for now I pray that you can be patient, too, trusting God's perfect timing.
_____________________________________________________________________
Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've been waiting to meet you for as long as I can remember!!! I've mistook you for some other characters in my life before, but I'm sure you're a pretty cool guy if you're my husband. And I'm sure you were worth the wait and anguish. I guess there hasn't been serious anguish much at all, because God's protected me from a lot of that stuff. God's protected my heart.
Right now I'm at a stage where I really wish I knew who you were already. And almost every single-man in my life, I see him and I think that he can potentially be you! And that scares me. But most of the time when there's a guy, I try to avoid all possible ways of leading him on, because I want to wait for you.
Where ever you are, I hope that you're healthy. I hope that you're happy. I hope that you've surrendered your life to Jesus already. I hope that you're already experiencing the joy of having His sovereignty rule in your life. I wish the very best for you. And sometimes I wonder if you've ever lost pieces of your heart to other women in dating and stuff. It makes me sad to think that you might have given pieces of your heart to other women before me, while it feels like I'm just waiting for you so lame and helpless and Disney. But it's gonna' be ok. So I pray that God is protecting your heart too. I pray that you are my brother in Christ right now.
I can't wait to meet you in God's perfect timing. Maybe we've met already, but I can't wait to meet you as my husband. I really can't wait to meet you, but right now God's working on this ole' heart of mine. He's growing me before I get to meet you. I hope I can be a good wife. I hope my cooking will be better by then. I hope I would have gotten more mature by then. I hope I would have gotten wiser by then. I hope I can be the godliest woman I can be for you. I can't wait to know who you are, but for now I pray that you can be patient, too, trusting God's perfect timing.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Every moment of every second
I think I'm still soaking it all in. All the hell that I've been going through because I've been trying to finish up this flight class from May, this license I've been working on since August 2011. I got it today! It's mine. It was completely grace. God's grace and the check airmen's grace. I knew the odds of me passing were slimmer than slim jim, slimmer than a piece of angel hair. In one of my many emotion breakdowns from the stress of this course, I cried out, "I thought the odds of me passing this course was maybe 10 or 20%, but actually the chances are zero, none. Absolutely none. I can't pass if my maneuvers are not to standards, and only one of all my maneuver was to standards the last time I flew." I didn't even practice short field landings since May! I couldn't even get my soft field landings to flare. Hell, even my normal landings were questionable. But that flight, my landings were beautiful. I'm not sure if the instructor helped me land, but I don't think so. It always feels like someone else is on the controls with your feet for some reason. My gosh, my biggest fear: Short-field landing. Upon touchdown of the main wheels, within maybe 2-3 seconds you apply breaks, flaps up, apply back pressure. I can't even describe how freakin' awesome my short field landing was. What the heck. Every single landing, the flare, the part I struggled with the most wasn't even the slightest problem today. My God in heaven who is almighty today and everyday.
After the check airmen passed me by his great grace and mercy I ran up the stairs to my 201A flight instructor who is my 200 ground instructor this year. My eyes were tearing up when I knocked on his door, but no answer. Then down the hall I saw my current instructor. Ah, I just couldn't hold it. I cried my little eyes out. How much I wanted a hug then, from anyone. I didn't even mind personal space at that moment, but I didn't ask for one, nor did I get one. But I just cried and gasped and smiled and cried and laughed. I took a breather outside and prayed and called my dad and tried calling some other people. Then I cried another time to someone else just by pure joy and pure I DON'T KNOW!!! Finally.. the sweetest part of my day. I waited for him after class, and showed him my private pilot wings. We went to his room to get my gift. I knew he hung a tshirt of my face in his office on the day that I had my first solo. The school was doing this new thing celebrating aviation milestones of the students in their program and putting a picture of the student and the plane online, He handed me a package and told me to open it. I opened it, it was pictures I posed for the website that he took after I landed on my first solo, I thought. I looked through more and more, and there was a picture of an airplane. And another picture of a take off. And another picture of a plane taxiing. And another picture of a plane in the sky. "What do you think, Tori?"
"I had no idea," I cried my heart out. He was there watching me the whole time. And he showed me the back of the t-shirt that I never got to see. "Don't give up on me, Mr. T" I told him that during one of our flights together, teary-eyed and feeling worthless and pathetic.
The experience getting my private pilot felt like hell, especially since March after getting lost and sqwaking 7700. I went through so many emotional explosions and I put myself through so much crap because I was drowning in self-pity, in guilt. "I feel stuck." If anything this experience made my passion for this career take root. I won't be blown over so easily. I am still not 100% sure what aviation will be for me in the future, but for now I feel confident that God says I can continue my flight training.
God was in control this whole entire time. I went through all that, where I could've doubted and questioned where was God's love and mercy. Every moment of every second, he was there. He taught me so much more through the extra three months it took me to finish this course, the extra $4,000. Haha. But I trust in my God today. I trust in Him forever.
After the check airmen passed me by his great grace and mercy I ran up the stairs to my 201A flight instructor who is my 200 ground instructor this year. My eyes were tearing up when I knocked on his door, but no answer. Then down the hall I saw my current instructor. Ah, I just couldn't hold it. I cried my little eyes out. How much I wanted a hug then, from anyone. I didn't even mind personal space at that moment, but I didn't ask for one, nor did I get one. But I just cried and gasped and smiled and cried and laughed. I took a breather outside and prayed and called my dad and tried calling some other people. Then I cried another time to someone else just by pure joy and pure I DON'T KNOW!!! Finally.. the sweetest part of my day. I waited for him after class, and showed him my private pilot wings. We went to his room to get my gift. I knew he hung a tshirt of my face in his office on the day that I had my first solo. The school was doing this new thing celebrating aviation milestones of the students in their program and putting a picture of the student and the plane online, He handed me a package and told me to open it. I opened it, it was pictures I posed for the website that he took after I landed on my first solo, I thought. I looked through more and more, and there was a picture of an airplane. And another picture of a take off. And another picture of a plane taxiing. And another picture of a plane in the sky. "What do you think, Tori?"
"I had no idea," I cried my heart out. He was there watching me the whole time. And he showed me the back of the t-shirt that I never got to see. "Don't give up on me, Mr. T" I told him that during one of our flights together, teary-eyed and feeling worthless and pathetic.
The experience getting my private pilot felt like hell, especially since March after getting lost and sqwaking 7700. I went through so many emotional explosions and I put myself through so much crap because I was drowning in self-pity, in guilt. "I feel stuck." If anything this experience made my passion for this career take root. I won't be blown over so easily. I am still not 100% sure what aviation will be for me in the future, but for now I feel confident that God says I can continue my flight training.
God was in control this whole entire time. I went through all that, where I could've doubted and questioned where was God's love and mercy. Every moment of every second, he was there. He taught me so much more through the extra three months it took me to finish this course, the extra $4,000. Haha. But I trust in my God today. I trust in Him forever.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Married to Jesus
Although I've never dated, I would say that my heart has a good history of being fluttery, obsessive, desperate, and just down right crazy sometimes for guys.
At retreat last month, I shared a cabin with high school girls. Naturally, we got on the topic of dating. And honestly, I told them I've never dated and I was the oldest girl camper with them. Which I said with humor and absolutely no shame, until they actually thought that I was hurting or something and they tried to comfort me. "It's ok that you've never dated. God will find you someone." "Don't worry about not finding a boyfriend, Tori. You remember blah blah blah? Well he's like way older than you and he hasn't dated either."
I was disgusted that they thought I was ashamed or sad because I never dated. I suppose that there has been many many times where I questioned myself critically for being single my whole life. But thinking about it now, I am so glad I haven't dated. I know so certainly, that I would have worshiped the guy. It wouldn't matter who it was, because I was so desperate. I wasn't going around flirting with everyone or something, but my heart was easily moved. And while I was in school, I did notice when girls started to date, then there were a couple more, and more and before I knew it, I was one of the very few that never even held hands with a guy before. I am so glad I didn't date. With the list of priorities and thoughts and principles and the gigantic lack of wisdom I had, I know so surely now that it would have went downhill faster than a greased marble, riding on banana peels, down a buttered ramp. God's been totally watching over me even before I knew Him.
Even now, I find myself to be distracted by guys. Definitely not as much. With some thought, I think I should make this commitment with myself and God that dating for the next year will just not even be an option. This way I can stay more focused on my relationship with Jesus. And I'm growing really tired of thinking about guys. Tired about blogging, talking, and thinking about them. I think God's really helped me in taking away a lot of that obsession and worry I had. It was so pathetic and sad. God must have felt hurt for me when he saw me so desperate, so lacking of faith. I think this will be one of the best decisions to make right now. Just, not even think about how that guy thinks about me, or anything bleh like that. I will just think to myself .. dude, I'm not gonna date this year. It's not gonna happen. Married to Jesus right now.
I'm going to hide my facebook relationship status. I know it seems kinda silly, to have to keep it so accurate, but I think it can have effect. If you put out dating or engaged or married, then you know that person is off limits, but if you put single, it suggests.. no, it doesn't suggest, it SAYS 'I'm available for dating'. I'm gonna hide it for me. And it's definitely not like anyone is hounding at my door or anything. Just make a mental note for myself that dating is not what I'm looking for right now and it doesn't concern anyone on Facebook whether or not I'm available.
It's probably going to be a little weird or difficult at first. But I really wish I made this choice a lot earlier.
My heart will only beat for Jesus. Everything I do will be for Him, not for man. Pure mind, good thoughts, peace in my heart.
At retreat last month, I shared a cabin with high school girls. Naturally, we got on the topic of dating. And honestly, I told them I've never dated and I was the oldest girl camper with them. Which I said with humor and absolutely no shame, until they actually thought that I was hurting or something and they tried to comfort me. "It's ok that you've never dated. God will find you someone." "Don't worry about not finding a boyfriend, Tori. You remember blah blah blah? Well he's like way older than you and he hasn't dated either."
I was disgusted that they thought I was ashamed or sad because I never dated. I suppose that there has been many many times where I questioned myself critically for being single my whole life. But thinking about it now, I am so glad I haven't dated. I know so certainly, that I would have worshiped the guy. It wouldn't matter who it was, because I was so desperate. I wasn't going around flirting with everyone or something, but my heart was easily moved. And while I was in school, I did notice when girls started to date, then there were a couple more, and more and before I knew it, I was one of the very few that never even held hands with a guy before. I am so glad I didn't date. With the list of priorities and thoughts and principles and the gigantic lack of wisdom I had, I know so surely now that it would have went downhill faster than a greased marble, riding on banana peels, down a buttered ramp. God's been totally watching over me even before I knew Him.
Even now, I find myself to be distracted by guys. Definitely not as much. With some thought, I think I should make this commitment with myself and God that dating for the next year will just not even be an option. This way I can stay more focused on my relationship with Jesus. And I'm growing really tired of thinking about guys. Tired about blogging, talking, and thinking about them. I think God's really helped me in taking away a lot of that obsession and worry I had. It was so pathetic and sad. God must have felt hurt for me when he saw me so desperate, so lacking of faith. I think this will be one of the best decisions to make right now. Just, not even think about how that guy thinks about me, or anything bleh like that. I will just think to myself .. dude, I'm not gonna date this year. It's not gonna happen. Married to Jesus right now.
I'm going to hide my facebook relationship status. I know it seems kinda silly, to have to keep it so accurate, but I think it can have effect. If you put out dating or engaged or married, then you know that person is off limits, but if you put single, it suggests.. no, it doesn't suggest, it SAYS 'I'm available for dating'. I'm gonna hide it for me. And it's definitely not like anyone is hounding at my door or anything. Just make a mental note for myself that dating is not what I'm looking for right now and it doesn't concern anyone on Facebook whether or not I'm available.
It's probably going to be a little weird or difficult at first. But I really wish I made this choice a lot earlier.
My heart will only beat for Jesus. Everything I do will be for Him, not for man. Pure mind, good thoughts, peace in my heart.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
My best friend, my oldest and dearest friend who met me before I learned to walk, is dying. And I've been given his phone number in the hospital to call him, but I'm afraid. Afraid what my reaction would be. Because I'm not good at comforting people. I'm not good at expressing sympathy and motivation and encouragement. I'd either cry with them or stand and watch.
I don't know what to say to him. It's been so extremely long since I've seen him, maybe 2 or maybe even 3 years. I love them so much, but I'm afraid of the change that all of us have gone through. I'm afraid to sit with them, at their table like I'd used to and watch them eat. I'm afraid I'd have nothing to say. I'm afraid I'm not cute enough anymore. My best friend is dying and I don't know what to say to him. It'd be a lot easier to not call him, but I know that would be the wrongest choice.
He and Sue were my truest friends. They were more like grandparents. I loved them a lot, but in a distant way where calling them and going out of my way to see them for two hours was bothersome. I feel the same way for my real grandparents. Except I don't think I can cry for my grandparents, not out of bitterness but placidity.
My best friend is dying and he's asking to talk to me and Kelly almost everyday. My best friend is dying and all I can do is talk to him, but I don't know what to say. I'm afraid I'd start crying he second I hear his weakened voice. I'm afraid there'd be no words coming out and I'd make him feel unloved.
I don't know what to say to him. It's been so extremely long since I've seen him, maybe 2 or maybe even 3 years. I love them so much, but I'm afraid of the change that all of us have gone through. I'm afraid to sit with them, at their table like I'd used to and watch them eat. I'm afraid I'd have nothing to say. I'm afraid I'm not cute enough anymore. My best friend is dying and I don't know what to say to him. It'd be a lot easier to not call him, but I know that would be the wrongest choice.
He and Sue were my truest friends. They were more like grandparents. I loved them a lot, but in a distant way where calling them and going out of my way to see them for two hours was bothersome. I feel the same way for my real grandparents. Except I don't think I can cry for my grandparents, not out of bitterness but placidity.
My best friend is dying and he's asking to talk to me and Kelly almost everyday. My best friend is dying and all I can do is talk to him, but I don't know what to say. I'm afraid I'd start crying he second I hear his weakened voice. I'm afraid there'd be no words coming out and I'd make him feel unloved.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Everyone wants to hang out
Everyone wants to hang out. But hanging out costs money. I don't have money. Walking home today, I found a shiny quarter on the street. I picked it up and became a quarter richer, but even so, I cannot afford a pineapple bun from the bakery. I'm so sick of people asking me to go out to eat or to hang out, because it costs money. It costs money that I don't have. I don't even think I can afford my textbooks for next year. God, I want to work right now. God, I wish I had a job.
I keep hearing about people getting full-rides and really awesome scholarships at these top-ranked colleges and universities and all I got was a measly $14,000 academic scholarship. It's like SIUC threw a change purse at my face and laughed, taunting, "Haha, you're stupid." What is $14,000 compared to someone else who got $400,000?
But I need to look at this as another opportunity from God, so that I would have more faith in Him. I need to trust that since I am with God, I don't need to worry. My God is the strongest, richest, wisest, bestest. And He who is already so mighty and magnificent, knows my name. He knows every hair on my head and He loves me. I know He loves me because He loves Jesus. As I see people getting accepted into Yale, Harvard, Northwestern, Princeton, Colombia, Darthmouth, UCLA, Cal Tech, Cornell, etc etc, I feel like I become invisible. Like I'm just watching everyone. Like I'm a Kohl's check-out-girl at a Prada store. And I ask, God, why didn't I get into those schools? Why didn't You bless me with those kinds of acknowledgement and success? Well, first off, none of those have my major. I go to the number one aviation college in the country... and while it seems like other options are clearly the better ones, I need to have faith and trust that this is what God planned for me and He loves me so much and knows me so well, that what ever that happens to me is the best possible thing that could have happened to me, far better then I ever could have imagined.
Right now, I'm really stressed about money. Money for college. More stressed about it than I ever have been. Why must there be a holiday season for shopping? But God will take care of me, for I am a child of the light.
God, I pray you can help me out with this wisdom tooth, so I can get it out without missing two days of classes and paying so much extra for the return fare. If I don't get it out soon, I am not sure what will happen to my teeth in general. God, please be with me.
I keep hearing about people getting full-rides and really awesome scholarships at these top-ranked colleges and universities and all I got was a measly $14,000 academic scholarship. It's like SIUC threw a change purse at my face and laughed, taunting, "Haha, you're stupid." What is $14,000 compared to someone else who got $400,000?
But I need to look at this as another opportunity from God, so that I would have more faith in Him. I need to trust that since I am with God, I don't need to worry. My God is the strongest, richest, wisest, bestest. And He who is already so mighty and magnificent, knows my name. He knows every hair on my head and He loves me. I know He loves me because He loves Jesus. As I see people getting accepted into Yale, Harvard, Northwestern, Princeton, Colombia, Darthmouth, UCLA, Cal Tech, Cornell, etc etc, I feel like I become invisible. Like I'm just watching everyone. Like I'm a Kohl's check-out-girl at a Prada store. And I ask, God, why didn't I get into those schools? Why didn't You bless me with those kinds of acknowledgement and success? Well, first off, none of those have my major. I go to the number one aviation college in the country... and while it seems like other options are clearly the better ones, I need to have faith and trust that this is what God planned for me and He loves me so much and knows me so well, that what ever that happens to me is the best possible thing that could have happened to me, far better then I ever could have imagined.
Right now, I'm really stressed about money. Money for college. More stressed about it than I ever have been. Why must there be a holiday season for shopping? But God will take care of me, for I am a child of the light.
God, I pray you can help me out with this wisdom tooth, so I can get it out without missing two days of classes and paying so much extra for the return fare. If I don't get it out soon, I am not sure what will happen to my teeth in general. God, please be with me.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Anxious Heart
God, please help me. Please watch over this distressed spirit. It seems things haven't changed that much for me. I still search for satisfaction through grades and human praise. God, am I pleasing You? Jesus, am I being your faithful bride?
Monday, November 28, 2011
God Loves Me, This I Know
The Bible doesn't need to tell me this for it to be so. God loves me, this I know, but I can't even begin to imagine how great His love is. God loves you more than you even know love. It's like how a father loves his baby. His baby may cry for his father and giggle at the sight of his face, at the comfort of his warm embrace, but the baby has no idea how great the love the father has. I know God loves me. Even though I became ugly with my sinful thoughts and actions, He still loves me.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
First Disappointment
My heart was hurting so much after tonight, and I guess I took some silly photos on facebook, made some small online messaging, and an international student seems to be warming up to the fellowship! all those things didn't make my heart hurt less, but it helped me forget about the aching. And I reconciled with a brother and I gave encouragement to another sister who I have great respect and admiration for. All those things gave me comfort and I managed to close me eyes and sleep.
But the fire alarm went off at 5am and after it was over and everyone was back in their beds, I closed my eyes but my heart just hurted as much as before if not more. I can't sleep because of that sadness. It's not a heart attack or something physically dangerous I think.
But my heart hurts for very valid reasons. Yesterday it hurted because I was selfish, rude, and a waste of space. Today, it hurts because people in my fellowship didn't care. And now I am upset. Because I brought a guest, a new prospective member of InterVarsity to the InterVarsity potluck dinner. Their response was nothing. They did nothing, they had their own conversations and ignored us. They did nothing. I don't give a damn if my spiritual gift is evangelism or not, it is hard and scary for me to talk to people, to initiate conversations. I sacrifice a lot of my own comfort to make others feel comfortable. While I'm not the best at evangelism, I'm not even particularly good, but I know I try very very hard for my standards and previous experience and I force myself to do those things, because I know this body belongs to Jesus and I want it to be used for him. I don't care if my spiritual gift is evangelism and theirs is in worship or planning or preaching or sweeping the damn floor, if there is someone new, you make them feel comfortable. You don't shun them and ignore them and make them feel like an outsider. Maybe, just maybe, that would happen at a pagan event where everyone minded their own business and did their own thing, but we were at a church! We just had dinner! Our last teaching at large group was about bringing UNITY in the fellowship! My heart hurts. What is wrong with these people? Why are they so ignorant, so blind? Maybe they were mad at me because I brought a guest to the event, but she had the permission. Maybe they were mad at me because I added a chair to the table and they had to waste their energy scooting their chairs, maybe that's why they behaved that way. Maybe they were like that because ... because they were just damn ignorant. My heart hurts. Fix me, God, and give me more love for the family, give me more patience to endure this, give me the Holy Spirit and more strength to motivate change. I'm afraid I'm asking for too much. God, just give me the Holy Spirit, the rest will simply follow and fall in place.
But the fire alarm went off at 5am and after it was over and everyone was back in their beds, I closed my eyes but my heart just hurted as much as before if not more. I can't sleep because of that sadness. It's not a heart attack or something physically dangerous I think.
But my heart hurts for very valid reasons. Yesterday it hurted because I was selfish, rude, and a waste of space. Today, it hurts because people in my fellowship didn't care. And now I am upset. Because I brought a guest, a new prospective member of InterVarsity to the InterVarsity potluck dinner. Their response was nothing. They did nothing, they had their own conversations and ignored us. They did nothing. I don't give a damn if my spiritual gift is evangelism or not, it is hard and scary for me to talk to people, to initiate conversations. I sacrifice a lot of my own comfort to make others feel comfortable. While I'm not the best at evangelism, I'm not even particularly good, but I know I try very very hard for my standards and previous experience and I force myself to do those things, because I know this body belongs to Jesus and I want it to be used for him. I don't care if my spiritual gift is evangelism and theirs is in worship or planning or preaching or sweeping the damn floor, if there is someone new, you make them feel comfortable. You don't shun them and ignore them and make them feel like an outsider. Maybe, just maybe, that would happen at a pagan event where everyone minded their own business and did their own thing, but we were at a church! We just had dinner! Our last teaching at large group was about bringing UNITY in the fellowship! My heart hurts. What is wrong with these people? Why are they so ignorant, so blind? Maybe they were mad at me because I brought a guest to the event, but she had the permission. Maybe they were mad at me because I added a chair to the table and they had to waste their energy scooting their chairs, maybe that's why they behaved that way. Maybe they were like that because ... because they were just damn ignorant. My heart hurts. Fix me, God, and give me more love for the family, give me more patience to endure this, give me the Holy Spirit and more strength to motivate change. I'm afraid I'm asking for too much. God, just give me the Holy Spirit, the rest will simply follow and fall in place.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Asian Fantasy
"I'm so jealous of you", she said. "You know, every guy has an Asian fantasy. I don't know one guy that hasn't thought about gettin' it with an Asian before"
"I've asked some American guys and, yea, they said they like Asian people, but they are not ideal for girlfriend or marriage", he explained.
Does my personality mean nothing in this world? There is a lot of sacrifice for even an ABC to marry an American; it's waving goodbye to a huge chunk of possibility of getting closer to my native language, culture, people. It's a huge sacrifice and a huge difference in lifestyle! I never thought it was possible until I came to Carbondale, but I can be satisfied living in a small town. And I think I am willing to make the sacrifice of abandoning my culture for an American. But I never really considered the other perspective, the other possibility that they don't want anything to do with Asians. That there is still a high level of racism and tension against the Asians and white people.
I wish I knew why it's so much harder to bond with white people. I wish there wasn't even a difference. God, it hurts my heart to find that some guys won't even consider me just because I am Asian. In an evolution/adaptation standpoint, my weaknesses: my height, my lack of curvature. My possible strengths: intelligence is not too bad, personality-wise most people would say I am nice, sweet, or kind
Maybe it's because my eyes don't look like the ocean, or a burning fire, or like the grass or anything special. Maybe it's because my hair is boring, too straight, too common, depressing even. Maybe because my nose is too flat, my eyes are not round enough, my checks are not high enough, my chin is not sharp enough.
There have been many moments when I just want to go back to the M.A.C. store and show them the picture of my prom night and say, "can you work that magic again? I want to look beautiful." But right now, as I look the normal way I look, natural and without makeup, touch-up, etc, no one stops for a split second to stare at me, to look at me, to notice me, to glance at me. But if I did get the right make-up and if I did look like how I did at prom night every night and if that did make people stop to stare, to look, to notice, to glance, to trip-fall-and-die, to talk to me, to flirt with me, to hit of me, to ask me out, to take me to dinner, to buy me drinks, to hold the door open, to make detours, go out of their way just to see/talk/be around me.. then I would not be satisfied. Maybe I would be happy for a moment. But if there is a guy I like and he is unresponsive to me until I get that "make-over", and suddenly he has interest and does a lot of things to get my attention, then I would be extremely unsatisfied. Because I don't want people to like me because of my face, I wish my heart was good enough to make people want to stay around me. I wish my heart was good enough to catch a guy's attention, to have him stop and think "wow" I wish I were that impactful, that significant.
"I've asked some American guys and, yea, they said they like Asian people, but they are not ideal for girlfriend or marriage", he explained.
Does my personality mean nothing in this world? There is a lot of sacrifice for even an ABC to marry an American; it's waving goodbye to a huge chunk of possibility of getting closer to my native language, culture, people. It's a huge sacrifice and a huge difference in lifestyle! I never thought it was possible until I came to Carbondale, but I can be satisfied living in a small town. And I think I am willing to make the sacrifice of abandoning my culture for an American. But I never really considered the other perspective, the other possibility that they don't want anything to do with Asians. That there is still a high level of racism and tension against the Asians and white people.
I wish I knew why it's so much harder to bond with white people. I wish there wasn't even a difference. God, it hurts my heart to find that some guys won't even consider me just because I am Asian. In an evolution/adaptation standpoint, my weaknesses: my height, my lack of curvature. My possible strengths: intelligence is not too bad, personality-wise most people would say I am nice, sweet, or kind
Maybe it's because my eyes don't look like the ocean, or a burning fire, or like the grass or anything special. Maybe it's because my hair is boring, too straight, too common, depressing even. Maybe because my nose is too flat, my eyes are not round enough, my checks are not high enough, my chin is not sharp enough.
There have been many moments when I just want to go back to the M.A.C. store and show them the picture of my prom night and say, "can you work that magic again? I want to look beautiful." But right now, as I look the normal way I look, natural and without makeup, touch-up, etc, no one stops for a split second to stare at me, to look at me, to notice me, to glance at me. But if I did get the right make-up and if I did look like how I did at prom night every night and if that did make people stop to stare, to look, to notice, to glance, to trip-fall-and-die, to talk to me, to flirt with me, to hit of me, to ask me out, to take me to dinner, to buy me drinks, to hold the door open, to make detours, go out of their way just to see/talk/be around me.. then I would not be satisfied. Maybe I would be happy for a moment. But if there is a guy I like and he is unresponsive to me until I get that "make-over", and suddenly he has interest and does a lot of things to get my attention, then I would be extremely unsatisfied. Because I don't want people to like me because of my face, I wish my heart was good enough to make people want to stay around me. I wish my heart was good enough to catch a guy's attention, to have him stop and think "wow" I wish I were that impactful, that significant.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Jesus, the best guy I know
Three more months of being 18. So weird to be 19. I guess I'm still pretty young.
At church, there were a bunch of babies. And if I would say for my preference, the youngest I'd want to be to have a kid is probably 24. I mean 24 would be my preferred minimum. And 24, that is 6 years from now. Six years may or may not sound like a lot, but it'll come fast. Six years ago, I was in seventh grade, the thought of college seemed so far away and unimaginable/abstract. I though it would take forever for college to come, but here I am sitting in the stereotypical wooden chair (that really hurts your butt) and typing away on the wooden table. I still remember a lot of stuff from 7th grade, I don't remember 7th grade like it was very far away. Some moments still feel fresh, like all I need to do is to call on those memories and the concept of time just felt off.
I hope that I could have a kid by thirty. Thirty, that is twelve years from now. Twelve years ago, I was six, I was in 1st grade or perhaps I just graduated kindergarten. That seems a little further than 7th grade, but I'm sure that'll come soon too. I'm glad I get to measure time by how much I've already spent. But it really forces me to realize how short life is. I'm glad Jesus has got me an eternity in heaven. Jesus, the best guy I know.
At church, there were a bunch of babies. And if I would say for my preference, the youngest I'd want to be to have a kid is probably 24. I mean 24 would be my preferred minimum. And 24, that is 6 years from now. Six years may or may not sound like a lot, but it'll come fast. Six years ago, I was in seventh grade, the thought of college seemed so far away and unimaginable/abstract. I though it would take forever for college to come, but here I am sitting in the stereotypical wooden chair (that really hurts your butt) and typing away on the wooden table. I still remember a lot of stuff from 7th grade, I don't remember 7th grade like it was very far away. Some moments still feel fresh, like all I need to do is to call on those memories and the concept of time just felt off.
I hope that I could have a kid by thirty. Thirty, that is twelve years from now. Twelve years ago, I was six, I was in 1st grade or perhaps I just graduated kindergarten. That seems a little further than 7th grade, but I'm sure that'll come soon too. I'm glad I get to measure time by how much I've already spent. But it really forces me to realize how short life is. I'm glad Jesus has got me an eternity in heaven. Jesus, the best guy I know.
Friday, November 11, 2011
bluntly true
I think my heart is hurting, but I have no actual reasons for these feelings to hold. It's not a sharp pain, but like a slow and sad pounding. And I don't know how to solve this. I can't even tell what's wrong.
My best guess, it's probably because I feel a lot of pressure from school work, scholarships, flying well tomorrow and it just makes me more on the edge. Like a chain for my lips got worn out and I am ready to say some really mean things.
I'M NOT A FREAKIN' DOOR MAT!
Some options I have:
-eat with the girl that is never stops to push me closer to the edge at dining halls
-go to the party with the girl that is selfish and totally takes advantage of me
-go to the international student bible study, where I may be still in a down mood and just ruin things for people
-go to the gym and run for an hour
-start on the scholarship paper
my heart is hurting, I don't want to choose. Is something wrong? Did someone die? break a leg? an arm? I wish I had someone I could just complain to. I can't call Kelly because she's busy, but I don't think she can do anything to help me anyways, no one can. And I don't write that in a depressing and dramatic way, but I say it bluntly as it is true.
I know I can complain to God, and maybe I'm not praying right now because I don't realize the power of prayer. Maybe it means my love for God isn't strong enough that I don't believe in His ability to solve.
What is there to fear if God is with us? What is there to stop us when God is for us? I don't know? But it seems that I still have anxiety deep deep in my heart that is upsetting me.
My best guess, it's probably because I feel a lot of pressure from school work, scholarships, flying well tomorrow and it just makes me more on the edge. Like a chain for my lips got worn out and I am ready to say some really mean things.
I'M NOT A FREAKIN' DOOR MAT!
Some options I have:
-eat with the girl that is never stops to push me closer to the edge at dining halls
-go to the party with the girl that is selfish and totally takes advantage of me
-go to the international student bible study, where I may be still in a down mood and just ruin things for people
-go to the gym and run for an hour
-start on the scholarship paper
my heart is hurting, I don't want to choose. Is something wrong? Did someone die? break a leg? an arm? I wish I had someone I could just complain to. I can't call Kelly because she's busy, but I don't think she can do anything to help me anyways, no one can. And I don't write that in a depressing and dramatic way, but I say it bluntly as it is true.
I know I can complain to God, and maybe I'm not praying right now because I don't realize the power of prayer. Maybe it means my love for God isn't strong enough that I don't believe in His ability to solve.
What is there to fear if God is with us? What is there to stop us when God is for us? I don't know? But it seems that I still have anxiety deep deep in my heart that is upsetting me.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Startle
I kept staring at the picture, because I looked just like my mom when she was younger, except my mom was prettier and skinnier, lighter skin. It's like my mom is in that picture, hanging out with my friends. It's like I stole her face. And when I look at the picture that is like a reflection of her, I think, "wow, so beautiful" but not because I think I am beautiful, but I recognize and my mom's face when she was younger, when she was my age. I wish she could see this too, it's amazing me, startling me.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Singularity: Recipe for a Guilty Suspect
One thing I absolutely despise about being single is when the women think I am after their men. I hate it, absolutely hate it. Don't confuse my kindness as flirting. Don't confuse my gentleness as being lovedrunk. Don't confuse it! Don't confuse it!
I place a large part of the blame on the guy. He thinks he is all that. He thinks he is a great find.
He must think I really admire him. He must think that I think he is so amazing, like the best thing I've ever heard of. He must think I couldn't handle the kindness that he showed for that brief moment. And in many ways he is a great guy. I can't find anything wrong with him except that he thinks of himself very highly. But even if a guy was an ideally perfect bachelor, it doesn't mean I would like him. Even if a guy was hunted down and stalked by lists of girls, it doesn't mean I would like him. Those feelings just come, not like something I can really control. And honestly, I feel absolutely nothing like that for him. Never even a thought of it, seriously.
And I can just feel it, he thinks I'm obsessed. He thinks I'm in love with him. Oh, Lord! I feel like I am being framed! Like they are stuffing a dead cat down my throat! I don't like him! But it feels like I'm being talked about. It feels like I'm being looked down on. It feels like my long held reputation of being clean, innocent, and untouched has been reduced to a desperate, scheming, boyfriend-stealing little Asian girl. I don't want that to be me. His only problem, narcissism, is hurting me. I am so glad my Lord knows my innocence. My Lord knows I would never dare to break people apart, to plot such wickedness, to shame Him like that.
He is such a nice person to talk to. I really appreciate having him as a friend, thinking of him no more than being another brother in Christ because he had my back and I intended to have his. But his narcissism, it is so dumb. I don't think I have ever ever ever ever flirted with him. And I am quite disturbed to even think that I may have given off that sort of vibe.. Ugh.. Disgusting, disturbing, despicable. I honestly hope I am not being used to make the girlfriend try harder to please him. I honestly hope the guy wakes up from his narcissism. I hope the girl realize my innocence. But if none of that happens, I am glad my Lord knows. Because that is all that matters, what my Lord knows. He knows my heart. But I don't think He would want misunderstandings to float around, especially since we are supposed to be the body, especially since we go to the same church.
I place a large part of the blame on the guy. He thinks he is all that. He thinks he is a great find.
He must think I really admire him. He must think that I think he is so amazing, like the best thing I've ever heard of. He must think I couldn't handle the kindness that he showed for that brief moment. And in many ways he is a great guy. I can't find anything wrong with him except that he thinks of himself very highly. But even if a guy was an ideally perfect bachelor, it doesn't mean I would like him. Even if a guy was hunted down and stalked by lists of girls, it doesn't mean I would like him. Those feelings just come, not like something I can really control. And honestly, I feel absolutely nothing like that for him. Never even a thought of it, seriously.
And I can just feel it, he thinks I'm obsessed. He thinks I'm in love with him. Oh, Lord! I feel like I am being framed! Like they are stuffing a dead cat down my throat! I don't like him! But it feels like I'm being talked about. It feels like I'm being looked down on. It feels like my long held reputation of being clean, innocent, and untouched has been reduced to a desperate, scheming, boyfriend-stealing little Asian girl. I don't want that to be me. His only problem, narcissism, is hurting me. I am so glad my Lord knows my innocence. My Lord knows I would never dare to break people apart, to plot such wickedness, to shame Him like that.
He is such a nice person to talk to. I really appreciate having him as a friend, thinking of him no more than being another brother in Christ because he had my back and I intended to have his. But his narcissism, it is so dumb. I don't think I have ever ever ever ever flirted with him. And I am quite disturbed to even think that I may have given off that sort of vibe.. Ugh.. Disgusting, disturbing, despicable. I honestly hope I am not being used to make the girlfriend try harder to please him. I honestly hope the guy wakes up from his narcissism. I hope the girl realize my innocence. But if none of that happens, I am glad my Lord knows. Because that is all that matters, what my Lord knows. He knows my heart. But I don't think He would want misunderstandings to float around, especially since we are supposed to be the body, especially since we go to the same church.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Answered
Overwhelmed by God's grace. I am so sorry for my laziness. I am so glad that You love me none the lesser.
"I don't believe in any gods; I believe in myself", the spiritually blind woman said.
Oh Lord, how would I have ever gotten where I am without You in my life. How you have blessed me! You are greater than other idol or entity! How easy it is for me to bring praise when all is well! I am truly truly grateful. Please, never let this grace leave my sight.
"I don't believe in any gods; I believe in myself", the spiritually blind woman said.
Oh Lord, how would I have ever gotten where I am without You in my life. How you have blessed me! You are greater than other idol or entity! How easy it is for me to bring praise when all is well! I am truly truly grateful. Please, never let this grace leave my sight.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Silence
As I proclaim my engagement, my readiness, to marry Jesus, I can feel Satan preparing to strike me, to tempt me, to tear me away. I want to say, "Jesus, I will carry my cross this time around. I won't let go, I'll latch onto you like a parasite to its host, like a drip of water to a dry sponge, like those sticky part that binds the paper to the water bottles. But like Carrie Underwood's song Jesus Take the Wheel had said, "I can't do this on my own" I am more ready, because I won't be alone."
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Marry me, Jesus!
If I do get the opportunity, I only want to date Christians because nothing is more important to me than God. And I cannot let anyone pull me away from Him. No one! No one! No one! God is good, all the time! All the time, God is good! This sheep learned so much over the weekend. This sheep, who once was lost, realized that she didn't just find her shepherd randomly, but it was Jesus who brought her back to the good shepherd. It was Jesus, sent by God, that brought me back to Him. It is by grace, and grace alone. And I need, absolutely need, to show Jesus my love.
Jesus, in our relationship, if I evaluate the perspectives: my commitment, my concentration, my effort, my love.. then I would say that we have been dating for the last several years. But now I want to propose an engagement! I want to be faithful to you, I want to be yours forever. I want to marry you and I am surprised that we haven't! Let the wedding bells ring!
Jesus, in our relationship, if I evaluate the perspectives: my commitment, my concentration, my effort, my love.. then I would say that we have been dating for the last several years. But now I want to propose an engagement! I want to be faithful to you, I want to be yours forever. I want to marry you and I am surprised that we haven't! Let the wedding bells ring!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)