Under the Sun and the Stars

D: Tori, can you please be quiet for a moment and listen to me? Can you please stay out of the sun?
T: No, I can't. lol
D: What about when you get a boyfriend? Don't you want people to like you?
Change topic...

T:If a boy says to me, "Tori, I'd like you if only you were more white color" he would be an asshole. Is that really what you want for me?
D: That's the truth.
T:Asian Americans are different. We don't think like that
D: No. Everyone does. Don't you get upset when people call you Filipino?
T:Of course I get upset. I get angry not because being Filipino is bad but because Chinese people look down on Filipino's. Just like if people discriminate against black people or Chinese people.. It's not something that we can help. I can't stop being Chinese for them. I can't change that for anyone.

Puppy Love: Rant

I never realized how wonderful singleness is.. Yeah, I have my bouts of melodrama, but right now I am so thankful that I have been single. The temptations and risks are in a whole new realm once you're in a relationship.. and I was always living on my own cloud, in my own fantasy world. I literally lived my own fantasy world, role playing online (super vulnerable and embarrassing to share this). Every person I liked/crushed on, I thought I loved them. I thought it was meant to be. I thought it would be forever. If anything like a relationship would've happened for me, I promise you, I would have broken all the boundaries, I would have gone on a totally different track. (Even if that happened, I know there is still healing and life in Jesus, but for sure my story and the areas where I feel broken/far from God would be different.. not less, not more, just different).

 I see online, a 17-year-old posting about her devout love for her beloved. I did some FB stalking on the guy, and I see that he has recently been unemployed from McDonald's, his profile picture is a bathroom selfie, his nick name is 'Puppy Love,' and he is 22 years-old (almost 23). Selfies are fine. Puppies are great. Working at a fast food place is cool, too, but something about this collective picture just makes me feel uneasy.. maybe even queasy.

What the hell are you doing with a high-school student, man? This girl has been professing her love on the internet for this guy. It's quite the poetry, but a part of me dies a little.. because she is so over her head for this guy who isn't really as prince-charming as she describes him to be.. I die on the inside, more so, because I know I was there. I was there when I was 17. Shoot, I was there a few months ago. Well not quite in the same way.. but it's scary. When 'love' or 'hormones' or just plain sexual desire blinds you from reality, from common sense, from keeping your integrity and dignity. BLEH. 

It's like this spell or this deep sleep that no one can wake you up from, and you don't realize what deep sh*t you've been in until you're out of it. It's like you're trapped in a glass box, only you can leave from the inside. Everyone's tellin' you to get the hell out of there. It's not good for you to be in there. It's not safe for you to be in that place.. but you think it's great, you think it's protecting you even.

But the whole while, Jesus is there waiting.. waiting for you to notice him, waiting so you can see what true love really is. 

Lord, my heart is pestered, my heart is annoyed, my heart is sad.

There was a girl who said something unintentionally incredibly offensive and racist and so freaking ignorant I wanted to call her out on what the freakin crap bullpoop freak poop she was saying. God, there was so much freakin damn ignorance. But I am no judge. I look back at myself and my transgressions, how can I keep angry? how can I ask for justice? What ignorance for me to speak of justice.

girls. girls. girls. girls. girls. Why, Lord? Why are we this way? So full of ourselves, so ignorant, so obnoxious, so pathetic? Why are we so far from your image?

Not-yet-identified

So this post is mini-inspired by this guy on Facebook. In a lack of pretty words, he's like a Facebook status-whore. I mean that in the best possible way. Sometimes seeing his posts gets annoying just cause' some things mentioned are so personal or subjective, and it doesn't necessary portray Christ-like love like he intends. So he sometimes writes facebook status letters to his future wife, and that's really sweet. I wondered about praying for my future husband and writing to my not-yet-existent-husband. I wasn't sure if that fantasizing would be healthy for my heart, so I never really did it. And sometimes I wonder if God is gonna use me like how he uses those Christian women who are in their mid-thirties and still have never had their first kiss. I guess I lost my first kiss to a girl at a fear factor food challenge, and the next moment to a guy. Anyways, that's not really kiss though, so I'll say that one doesn't really really count.  It was pretty gross, bleh. Anyways anyways, a letter for my not-yet-identified-husband.
_____________________________________________________________________

Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've been waiting to meet you for as long as I can remember!!! I've mistook you for some other characters in my life before, but I'm sure you're a pretty cool guy if you're my husband. And I'm sure you were worth the wait and anguish. I guess there hasn't been serious anguish much at all, because God's protected me from a lot of that stuff. God's protected my heart.

Right now I'm at a stage where I really wish I knew who you were already. And almost every single-man in my life, I see him and I think that he can potentially be you! And that scares me. But most of the time when there's a guy, I try to avoid all possible ways of leading him on, because I want to wait for you.

Where ever you are, I hope that you're healthy. I hope that you're happy. I hope that you've surrendered your life to Jesus already. I hope that you're already experiencing the joy of having His sovereignty rule in your life. I wish the very best for you. And sometimes I wonder if you've ever lost pieces of your heart to other women in dating and stuff. It makes me sad to think that you might have given pieces of your heart to other women before me, while it feels like I'm just waiting for you so lame and helpless and Disney. But it's gonna' be ok. So I pray that God is protecting your heart too. I pray that you are my brother in Christ right now.

I can't wait to meet you in God's perfect timing. Maybe we've met already, but I can't wait to meet you as my husband. I really can't wait to meet you, but right now God's working on this ole' heart of mine. He's growing me before I get to meet you. I hope I can be a good wife. I hope my cooking will be better by then. I hope I would have gotten more mature by then. I hope I would have gotten wiser by then. I hope I can be the godliest woman I can be for you. I can't wait to know who you are, but for now I pray that you can be patient, too, trusting God's perfect timing.

Her name is Carmen

I see God working wonders in this young soul. Her heart softened, as smooth and airy as cappuccino. Hosanna! Hosanna in the highest!

First Disappointment

My heart was hurting so much after tonight, and I guess I took some silly photos on facebook, made some small online messaging, and an international student seems to be warming up to the fellowship! all those things didn't make my heart hurt less, but it helped me forget about the aching. And I reconciled with a brother and I gave encouragement to another sister who I have great respect and admiration for. All those things gave me comfort and I managed to close me eyes and sleep.

But the fire alarm went off at 5am and after it was over and everyone was back in their beds, I closed my eyes but my heart just hurted as much as before if not more. I can't sleep because of that sadness. It's not a heart attack or something physically dangerous I think.

But my heart hurts for very valid reasons. Yesterday it hurted because I was selfish, rude, and a waste of space. Today, it hurts because people in my fellowship didn't care. And now I am upset. Because I brought a guest, a new prospective member of InterVarsity to the InterVarsity potluck dinner. Their response was nothing. They did nothing, they had their own conversations and ignored us. They did nothing. I don't give a damn if my spiritual gift is evangelism or not, it is hard and scary for me to talk to people, to initiate conversations. I sacrifice a lot of my own comfort to make others feel comfortable. While I'm not the best at evangelism, I'm not even particularly good, but I know I try very very hard for my standards and previous experience and I force myself to do those things, because I know this body belongs to Jesus and I want it to be used for him. I don't care if my spiritual gift is evangelism and theirs is in worship or planning or preaching or sweeping the damn floor, if there is someone new, you make them feel comfortable. You don't shun them and ignore them and make them feel like an outsider. Maybe, just maybe, that would happen at a pagan event where everyone minded their own business and did their own thing, but we were at a church! We just had dinner! Our last teaching at large group was about bringing UNITY in the fellowship! My heart hurts. What is wrong with these people? Why are they so ignorant, so blind? Maybe they were mad at me because I brought a guest to the event, but she had the permission. Maybe they were mad at me because I added a chair to the table and they had to waste their energy scooting their chairs, maybe that's why they behaved that way. Maybe they were like that because ... because they were just damn ignorant. My heart hurts. Fix me, God, and give me more love for the family, give me more patience to endure this, give me the Holy Spirit and more strength to motivate change. I'm afraid I'm asking for too much. God, just give me the Holy Spirit, the rest will simply follow and fall in place.

Startle

I kept staring at the picture, because I looked just like my mom when she was younger, except my mom was prettier and skinnier, lighter skin. It's like my mom is in that picture, hanging out with my friends. It's like I stole her face. And when I look at the picture that is like a reflection of her, I think, "wow, so beautiful" but not because I think I am beautiful, but I recognize and my mom's face when she was younger, when she was my age. I wish she could see this too, it's amazing me, startling me.

Singularity: Recipe for a Guilty Suspect

One thing I absolutely despise about being single is when the women think I am after their men. I hate it, absolutely hate it. Don't confuse my kindness as flirting. Don't confuse my gentleness as being lovedrunk. Don't confuse it! Don't confuse it!

 I place a large part of the blame on the guy. He thinks he is all that. He thinks he is a great find.

He must think I really admire him. He must think that I think he is so amazing, like the best thing I've ever heard of. He must think I couldn't handle the kindness that he showed for that brief moment. And in many ways he is a great guy. I can't find anything wrong with him except that he thinks of himself very highly. But even if a guy was an ideally perfect bachelor, it doesn't mean I would like him. Even if a guy was hunted down and stalked by lists of girls, it doesn't mean I would like him. Those feelings just come, not like something I can really control. And honestly, I feel absolutely nothing like that for him. Never even a thought of it, seriously.

And I can just feel it, he thinks I'm obsessed. He thinks I'm in love with him. Oh, Lord! I feel like I am being framed! Like they are stuffing a dead cat down my throat! I don't like him! But it feels like I'm being talked about. It feels like I'm being looked down on. It feels like my long held reputation of being clean, innocent, and untouched has been reduced to a desperate, scheming, boyfriend-stealing little Asian girl. I don't want that to be me. His only problem, narcissism, is hurting me. I am so glad my Lord knows my innocence. My Lord knows I would never dare to break people apart, to plot such wickedness, to shame Him like that.

He is such a nice person to talk to. I really appreciate having him as a friend, thinking of him no more than being another brother in Christ because he had my back and I intended to have his. But his narcissism, it is so dumb. I don't think I have ever ever ever ever flirted with him. And I am quite disturbed to even think that I may have given off that sort of vibe.. Ugh.. Disgusting, disturbing, despicable. I honestly hope I am not being used to make the girlfriend try harder to please him. I honestly hope the guy wakes up from his narcissism. I hope the girl realize my innocence. But if none of that happens, I am glad my Lord knows. Because that is all that matters, what my Lord knows. He knows my heart. But I don't think He would want misunderstandings to float around, especially since we are supposed to be the body, especially since we go to the same church.

Answered

Overwhelmed by God's grace. I am so sorry for my laziness. I am so glad that You love me none the lesser.

"I don't believe in any gods; I believe in myself", the spiritually blind woman said.

Oh Lord, how would I have ever gotten where I am without You in my life. How you have blessed me! You are greater than other idol or entity! How easy it is for me to bring praise when all is well! I am truly truly grateful. Please, never let this grace leave my sight.