Sudden Symptoms of a Crush

Very sensitive, very observant, very responsive. "So, Victoria! Who do you like? Jacob! You think he's cute? Or, do you like Grape Juice!" Wow at how fast he spoke and my heart skipped some beats at the shock of what he asked. Really shocked. I guess that was his kind rejection. Him, saying, "Don't like me! Don't like me! Please, don't like me!" I was going to say " I like you!!!" as a joke, but he didn't let me finish. Maybe he was afraid to hear it, even if it weren't true.

I thought about it more before I went to sleep, after I woke up, and during my walk to classes. I need to set him straight. I need to tell him not to worry about me fantasizing about him, not to worry about me falling in crush/like/love with him. Because these symptoms he may have noticed, these signs I had that may have suggested a crush was developing/ has developed, weren't completely true. He is so awesome, so funny, so freakin' funny, and I just like being around him. I like listening to him talk. And it is very likely that even I may have confused that as being a crush for several moments, but in conclusion, I am really grateful to have met him. I want him in my life, and I don't know how to say that or mean that without any relationship/reference/hinting to it being a crush.

And I told them I've never dated, never had sex. So if he really asked that for the sake of asking it, then I can only reason logically that.. in a girl's life.. if she has never dated for eighteen years, just because there are new guys in her life, it doesn't mean she's gonna start dating.

It doesn't mean the problem was the guys in my life. All along, the problem has been me.

I've been the problem. I've been the reason why I've never dated. I've been the reason why I was never a girlfriend. I've been the reason.

And I really want to confide in him, tell him what I'm feeling like he is my dear friend. I want to tell him that, I'm feeling like I won't find anyone to date in college either. Because everyone else here is concerned only about sex. Those who have had it are looking for more. Those who haven't are so desperately looking for some. And then there's me, one that doesn't want it at all... that is until I'm married.

 God doesn't want me to be desperate, and I am saying this not because of any feminist opinions, but because  God really doesn't want me to chase after men.


³⁴  An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. ³⁵ I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.

1 Corinthians 6:34-35

God, I still do hope and expect to get married some day. But I completely acknowledge the possibility of that not happening at all. Haha.