Less than 5 days left in Chicago.
I feel my anxiety building. I feel the unspoken demand for my time and attention from friends, from family, from obligations I have as a missionary.. and I am overwhelmed. Haha. I think I want to hide in a hole.
People want time. My time and my testimony are the only things I have been able to give people. But I am so scared. Nobody wants to cause me to feel burdened or anxious, they just genuinely want to spend time with me, for which I am grateful. But maybe if I had like another two weeks, lol.
Anxiety. Anxiety. Crippling anxiety. What am I afraid of? What am I anticipating?
I am afraid of my friends and loved ones. I am afraid of strangers and acquaintents. I am afraid they want something from me, but I have nothing to give them. I am afraid, I will be so tired and worn and exhausted, I can't actually enjoy my time with people. Quality time turns into obligation, it turns into an appointment I put in my calendar, a task to mark off on a google sheet. I can't do this anymore.
Spiritually, I think I'm doing okay. God has done so much with me. I am reminded of his teachings and his love. It's so in my face, I really can't avoid it. But I suppose this is from a lack of sabbath. I have not rested. I have been trusting myself, the work of my own hands, refusing to surrender to God. Who do I think I am?
No comments:
Post a Comment