Someone Greater

I remember when I was much younger, before I started going to church, or maybe around the time I started going, I told Kelly, "You know how some people feel like they are the main character, and they want to be the leader? I don't. I just have this feeling like there is supposed to be or going to be someone bigger than me, and I am supposed to help them." The words were surprising to myself, an ambitious, prideful, arrogant, capable, hard-working, feminist. For a long time, and even sometimes in the present times, I interpret that feeling as if I am supposed to be side-kick to someone, or secretary or assistant or something. But these past years, I discovered that person who is bigger than me, is actually Jesus. I am supposed to help him, stand by him, let the spotlight shine on him... through all my efforts, through all I can offer.

But Jesus is unlike any other leader. Being his follower means everyone plays a role, every serves a purpose. No one gets to sit out in the game and watch in passive participation. Sometimes the call looks different from our original interpretations, different from anything we've ever witnessed, so it's not always possible to predict what God's next thing is.

So here I am. I am deeply afraid, as I face my path. It is as if I am staring into the ocean. It's massiveness. It's power, stillness, and all-encompassing nature. It's character to pacify, to engulf, to consume, to destroy.

In less than four-weeks, I will be moving to southern California. In nine-weeks, I will start seminary for my Divinity program. My parents are still afraid for me. My dad thinks I am living out a youthful passion whose fire will be put out by the cold reality of our world in a matter of time.

I deeply long for the approval of my friends, family, and frankly, even strangers. But, I can't live for them. I can't live my life for them, to please every opinion. What are my principles? What are my non-negotiable values that make me, me? Sorry, ma. Sorry, daede. I will still love you and honor you and try my best to take care of you, but I can't live out this dream you have for me right now.

People can give me thousands of different paths to go down, but at the end the invitation I receive from God is: Tori, you can choose where we go next.

There are obstacles in our way, but Abba you split the sea so I can walk right through it. My fears are drowned by perfect love. You rescued me, and I will stand and sing, "I am a child of God."

Let's go, Abba. Let's go to California.