Some of my closest friends in college are getting married. I never quite wrestled with this type of loneliness and feeling left behind. It is completely appropriate love, but for the first time I didn't know what to do with myself. The scene is one I've often experienced. Third-wheeling, fifth-wheeling, sometimes even seventh-wheeling. But for the first time recently, it felt different. It feels like my friends moved on and didn't seem to notice that our friendship is gone.
We were walking through town on a hot day. The couples were in marriage bliss, pecking, hand-holding, whispering into each other's ear, and eskimo-kissing. I walked alone, very aware that everyone else is infatuated with his or her respective bae. My friends were so satisfied with each other's company, that my presence there, frankly, did not matter. And honestly, I wished I was not there. I had not felt so out of place in a long time. But I love my friends and their companions. I am deeply happy for my friends in commitments and relationships. I don't want them to pity me or walk on eggshells around me. I don't think they have to either.
I saw one of my best friends getting married. It was the most thoughtful wedding I have ever seen. These past years, I've felt a mixture of happiness, anger, and sadness about these friendships. I saw him meet and fall for his bride. I saw him move away from our college town and start afresh. I saw him say his vows to her, promising to love her and push her to her best potential. I love my friend and his bride. I also feel this relationship changing. As much as we deny it, as much as we say otherwise, I'm afraid that despite what I want or what my friends want, our paths don't overlap like they used to. Where we were once best friends, brother and sister, I'm afraid I'm just going to be a friend, a memory from college, a photo in a wedding album they'll flip through years from now. I'm afraid that as my friends pair off and no longer need me and no longer notice I am out of their lives, I will have no one. I am afraid that despite my best efforts to be loveable, everyone will leave once they've found someone better. This does not urge me to date or pair off myself. I just feel sad. I have to remind myself that I am worthy of love and friendship. There is very little that I do or say that causes people to love me. They love me simply because I am me, all the flaws and strengths. I have to remind myself to be grateful for the seasons we have with people. I have to remind myself to let love come and to let love go. I have to remind myself to trust God who is the most brilliant writer I know to write my story whatever it may look like. I cannot take the pen from Him, lol.
Wedding season has caused me to contemplate the thought of dating, too. How fun! How great it could be to have some love that is tangible and right there. As much as I love 'love,' as much as I would love the idea of being a wife, a mother, or even a bad-ass grandma, I don't want to convince myself that satisfaction, joy, and life comes from another person. I'm sure some of those things would come from people, but sometimes we use relationships as illusions of satisfaction. In the end, we come to face the inescapable reality that satisfaction comes from Jesus alone. Maybe one day this could be in God's plans for me, but I'm happy where God has me today.
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In the past year, I have left most of my thoughts in unpublished drafts. I'm starting to muster the courage to share them again.. raw, emotional, fluid, me.
I miss writing. I miss hearing my thoughts, as untrained or ineloquent they may be. I like my voice.
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