Helpless, vulnerable, and in need of protection. We are the sheep sent out among wolves.
Yesterday, some new friends at a small group bible study were getting to know me and they asked me about my family. I recounted the story of my mom coming to faith. At first there were years of invitation from me and my sister. Later came a strong conviction for prayer and intercession. At one point, our family doctor who is possibly the most popular doctor in the Chicago Chinatown area volunteered at my high school fellowship, teaching sunday schools and speaking at our youth retreats in Lake Geneva, WI. It was pretty cool. Dr. W took his faith seriously, and we could all see it. Later, I went away for college, but I kept in touch with Dr. W because I would attend Sunday School when I was back, but also because he and his wife supported me financially when I went on missions trips to the Dominican Republic and to St. Louis while I was a college student. Because they invested in my spiritual life, I was able to update them on my spiritual life, and how much I was growing in my faith in college.
Dr. W was my family doctor for as long as I can remember. My mom would go into his clinic, and they would get into conversations about me. Dr. W really bridged the gap I couldn't reach because of language and relationship barrier. He encouraged my mom to encounter God for herself if she really saw something different in my life and my sister's life (because we were Christians). After many invitations, she told him, "I will go to church this sunday if Tori comes home." Of course she didn't tell me, but Dr. W emailed me shortly after. You bet your ass, I drove home that weekend and the following weekend. Even my sister came home from Milwaukee to go to church with my mom. At some point, we knew we were the crutches that she'd need to walk without if this was real. She continued to go to church on and off even without us. Months later, I attended an outreach event at our sister church with my mom. In a room full of elderly people, I remember being so grumpy that I got dragged into coming to this Chinese Opera outreach. It was actually really cool, the famous Opera singers wrote the gospel of Jesus in Chinese Opera style. They shared their testimonies and preached the gospel for a while. At the end, they made a call, and I did not expect it at all, but my mom was the first one to stand up. "I knew it was my time. Nothing was going to stop me." Slowly, it's been almost 4 years since then, and I've seen my mom grow. I've seen my mom let go of her chains. I've seen my mom falter and take steps back. I've seen her really try. This is a miracle.
Family is the most important. So many 1st/ 2nd generation immigrant children want so desperately for their parents to know Jesus. We're taught to give each other the best. There is nothing better than entering into Jesus' kingdom that we can ever offer to others.
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Living back at home has been difficult. Very randomly my dad might bring up his fears and discontent with my career + education choices. It's a youthful passion that will get put out by the cold reality of our world. Then I will have nothing but my old age and my regrets. He doesn't want that for me. I see the sadness in his eyes, and I am saddened by his sad eyes.
I told my dad how much I got paid for the first time a few days ago. I think that really shocked him, how little I got paid. They expected so much out of me. They saw so much potential in me. They thought I was going to do great things they never could have done themselves. Sometimes this inability to please my parents cause me to feel like a huge failure. "I am a child who is just messing around unless I can financially provide for my parents." Will I always be a fool in my parents' eyes? Will I always be a source of worry and disappointment?
Now, I am support-raising again. $30k more with 2 weeks left in Chicago before my big move. So full of emotions. Many friends no longer respond to my messages. I think some people have blocked me even. I become so overjoyed if someone even wants to give $50/month. Then I really feel like a fool. Why am I so happy over this, when I can be working at almost any job and be earning 4k or 5k/month? Why do I live this lifestyle?
It's really hard to follow God sometimes. He calls us to be sent out like sheep among wolves in different ways. The way for me right now, is by needing and depending on others. Is by being vulnerable of rejection, vulnerable to shame and abandonment. This calling comes with great costs: friendships, comfortability, respect, honor, dignity... but at the same time it comes with great blessings: spiritual family, security in Jesus, dignity in my shame, honor in my suffering. Sharing in God's inheritance sometimes includes sharing the weight of the crown of thorns.
Then I am reminded of the story of my mom coming to faith. So much of it had to do with support-raising that I was able to share my life with Dr. W, and Dr. W was able to witness to my mom. I've gotten so much more out of support-raising than funds and money. God is very good to me. He always has been. He knows my needs before I know them. He protects me and he heals my wounds. He satisfies all my needs.
-sheep among wolves
I told my dad how much I got paid for the first time a few days ago. I think that really shocked him, how little I got paid. They expected so much out of me. They saw so much potential in me. They thought I was going to do great things they never could have done themselves. Sometimes this inability to please my parents cause me to feel like a huge failure. "I am a child who is just messing around unless I can financially provide for my parents." Will I always be a fool in my parents' eyes? Will I always be a source of worry and disappointment?
Now, I am support-raising again. $30k more with 2 weeks left in Chicago before my big move. So full of emotions. Many friends no longer respond to my messages. I think some people have blocked me even. I become so overjoyed if someone even wants to give $50/month. Then I really feel like a fool. Why am I so happy over this, when I can be working at almost any job and be earning 4k or 5k/month? Why do I live this lifestyle?
It's really hard to follow God sometimes. He calls us to be sent out like sheep among wolves in different ways. The way for me right now, is by needing and depending on others. Is by being vulnerable of rejection, vulnerable to shame and abandonment. This calling comes with great costs: friendships, comfortability, respect, honor, dignity... but at the same time it comes with great blessings: spiritual family, security in Jesus, dignity in my shame, honor in my suffering. Sharing in God's inheritance sometimes includes sharing the weight of the crown of thorns.
Then I am reminded of the story of my mom coming to faith. So much of it had to do with support-raising that I was able to share my life with Dr. W, and Dr. W was able to witness to my mom. I've gotten so much more out of support-raising than funds and money. God is very good to me. He always has been. He knows my needs before I know them. He protects me and he heals my wounds. He satisfies all my needs.
-sheep among wolves
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