Lil Dreamer

I haven't felt as close to God for a long time. And I haven't received that sort of attention from church in an even longer time. Jireh truly has become a family for me, where there are moments of ecstatic high and periods of heat wave tension. But I think true love is knowing all those flaws, having all those bad experiences, and still, wanting to go back to it. Now I look back and I wished I had tried harder on every one of my activities and involvements with Jireh. I'm glad with what I have contributed, but I really do wish I had more time with Jireh. I'm actually that old, and before I know it I'll be 20, 30, 40, 50! I'll think back and I will truly yearn for these days, yearn for every moment I didn't yearn over before. I will yearn for this day, this hour, this very moment as I write this blog. I believe that if I stay in this path, in God's light, I will have a life of much less yearning for the past. What a cliche blog entry, what a fearful, sad, worried mind.

Discovery

We've finally reached our hands to the ends of our pockets. We're out and we just discovered that we invited bloodsuckers into our family, our home, our life.

So wierd,,,,,

it's like seeing an ex- going out with your close friend. How awkward... this feeling like I lost him even though I don't really want him to be mine. This feeling of bewilderment with a glint of relief. Like.. how did he ever get over me? Or.. was he even ever obsessed over me? Feels like everything was fake.. and now disturbing. But, the feeling that ends this thought is relief, so I am glad. I am relieved. I am glad that I am relieved. I am so relieved.

Freshman Infinity

Damn, I got treated today.

"I have a feeling you're going to get Freshman 20"

I really hate it when people underestimate me. Why can't I open that jar of pickles? Why can't I drink that cup of ketchup? Why can't I fly a plane? But I do have a very narcissistic part of me, a princess-disease. It is a part of me now, but it was me completely before. And this narcissistic part of me lives on despite all my failures and losses. And despite all my wounds, bruises, and scars, I still think I can win. I always think I can win.

Now, I am slightly afraid of this narcissism going out of control. Slightly afraid to validate this wild imagination of my strength in will and endurance. Afraid to look down upon my legs to confirm if they are still running.

currently

Indigesting

In Sin's Den

Solomon prayed for wisdom, but I don't think I need any more wisdom. I don't mean that I am a genius, but I'm fine where I am at. I'm fine, losing my wallet every once in a while. I'm fine, getting over-charged at Joy Yee Plus. I'm fine, losing arguments and predictions. Instead, I pray for faith to endure. It's what I need the most. Because right now, every open crevice of my heart gets filled with hate.

Today, I saw the den of sin. It was beautiful. And it should be beautiful because it costed families.  And for many moments, I envied the den, every square foot, inch, and centimeter. Everything about that den was beautiful, luxurious, and unimaginable. But I was also very afraid. Because sin is such a short-term pleasure. It is such an intense short-term pleasure, that I am afraid of its temptations. But besides the hate in my heart, the words I shouldn't say, I have greed. I want luxury in this short-term life. I want all those gorgeous things. So I desperately pray for strength. Right now, I don't even have enough faith in myself to make a solemn promise. My heart is much weaker now. I've become scum.

And I want people to be able to see God in me. I want a forgiving heart, a sincere mouth, a caring ear, observant eyes-- I want all those things that would make me the best servant I can be. After a full day of internet disconnection, I've had the time for more consideration. And now that I've calmed down, that beautiful house isn't that great. All their riches doesn't make them wealthy. And I should recommend no one to work for them as I should invite those to church instead. Do I bring my pagan friends in front of buckets of gold and tell them to give that up for something they can't see? I'm afraid that I'm not convincing enough. Satan is powerful with his spectacles and material goods, but Jesus is almighty. So give me strength, for I am still weak. Strength to not greed, not steal, not deceive, not hate, not covet, not plot evil.

If I am

I am really ashamed. I should get struck by lightning, land on a pile of poop and drown in it. And that would be a decent death. If everything I do is because of my family, and everything my family does is all because of me, then I should get stomped on by a stampede of elephants.

I feel really ashamed. It wasn't even something I did, yet I feel like crying. I feel regretful and sorry. I feel stupid and ugly. God, I wish these bad feelings away like they were a bad cold. I wish these bad feelings away like they were cancer, like they were a tumor, a cyst, a 6th toe. I wish I can say I had the right to wish these feelings away. I wish I could say, it wasn't my burden, my responsisbility, my family. It wasn't my family that stole from you yesterday, it wasn't my mom that said it was alright. It wasn't me, that walked away with yours, smiling and happy. It wasn't me. She'll forgive me, but I'll still feel like crap. He'll forgive me, but I'll still feel like crap. I'll forgive him, but I'll still feel like crap. I think I feel worse than crap. Because.. how bad can crap really feel? I mean.. it's turd, it's poop, it's excretion. If I were a piece of poop, I don't think I'd feel that bad.. I think poops are carefree and laidback, they just sit there, in the cold, in the sun, in the grass, in the street. I don't feel like crap. I feel terrible. I wish I felt like crap.