Go Ahead, Damn Me

Don't judge me by the things I couldn't control, don't judge me by the choices I didn't make. But instead, judge me by my actions, my words, my works, my change, my efforts. You can even judge my weight because God has given me the ability to control it. I don't have a crazy fast metabolism, nor do I have an incredibly slow one. God has given me the ability to control my body, to show that I truly care about myself. Except my giant calves, those, I were born with, so don't judge me for those. But if you do judge me for those things I couldn't control, like my calves, my heritage, my face, my age, my background, my height, my passion, my dreams, then.. I don't know. I can't do anything but to ask you not to, but if you do anyways, then I don't know.

Then I suppose you should go ahead, judge me by my height. And damn me because I can never find pants my length. Damn me because my parents gave up their dignity to provide for me. Damn me because I'm Yellow. Damn me because I have ten toes, four eyes, two arms, one nose. Damn  me because I have variation in my skin. DAMN me because I'm belly button in. DAMN ME BECAUSE I CAN READ BETTER, SPEAK BETTER, ACT BETTER THAN YOU. Damn me, because I try so hard. Damn me, because of my big ass heart that still has room to forgive you.

no baby no more

it's not missing the convenience of home, nor is it missing the presence of family, but it's realizing that I'm no baby no more that gets to me most. I almost can't believe that I've made it this far, not as if I am very successful or accomplished, but I'm in college. You know you're old, when your kids are in college. You know you're old when your kids have kids. You know you're old when your kids' kids have kids. Less than 6 hours, but I already yearn for home. Dropped off at a wild place, I worry. This is supposed to be one of the best times of my life, but this is where I stand now. And where I stand now stands for the end to being a baby. I'm no baby no more, no matter how much I'd want to fall into regression, no matter how much I need, no matter how much I cry. I'm no baby no more. Or at least, no one will recognize me as one.

Pray that I find my niche, pray that I find balance and comfort. Pray that This pause in my heart, this traffic in my mind will play, will drive, will do whatever it does to go away. Pray for no drama, pray for no danger. Pray for this baby that is no baby no more.

Lil Dreamer

I haven't felt as close to God for a long time. And I haven't received that sort of attention from church in an even longer time. Jireh truly has become a family for me, where there are moments of ecstatic high and periods of heat wave tension. But I think true love is knowing all those flaws, having all those bad experiences, and still, wanting to go back to it. Now I look back and I wished I had tried harder on every one of my activities and involvements with Jireh. I'm glad with what I have contributed, but I really do wish I had more time with Jireh. I'm actually that old, and before I know it I'll be 20, 30, 40, 50! I'll think back and I will truly yearn for these days, yearn for every moment I didn't yearn over before. I will yearn for this day, this hour, this very moment as I write this blog. I believe that if I stay in this path, in God's light, I will have a life of much less yearning for the past. What a cliche blog entry, what a fearful, sad, worried mind.

Discovery

We've finally reached our hands to the ends of our pockets. We're out and we just discovered that we invited bloodsuckers into our family, our home, our life.

So wierd,,,,,

it's like seeing an ex- going out with your close friend. How awkward... this feeling like I lost him even though I don't really want him to be mine. This feeling of bewilderment with a glint of relief. Like.. how did he ever get over me? Or.. was he even ever obsessed over me? Feels like everything was fake.. and now disturbing. But, the feeling that ends this thought is relief, so I am glad. I am relieved. I am glad that I am relieved. I am so relieved.

Freshman Infinity

Damn, I got treated today.

"I have a feeling you're going to get Freshman 20"

I really hate it when people underestimate me. Why can't I open that jar of pickles? Why can't I drink that cup of ketchup? Why can't I fly a plane? But I do have a very narcissistic part of me, a princess-disease. It is a part of me now, but it was me completely before. And this narcissistic part of me lives on despite all my failures and losses. And despite all my wounds, bruises, and scars, I still think I can win. I always think I can win.

Now, I am slightly afraid of this narcissism going out of control. Slightly afraid to validate this wild imagination of my strength in will and endurance. Afraid to look down upon my legs to confirm if they are still running.

currently

Indigesting