The Right Pick

You know you've picked the right major, when you look at others and you pity them thinking, "It's so unfair for them, that I love my major." I am so lucky to love what I study, to study what I love. But I am not trying to be cocky, because I've definitely had my fair share of devastation, hopelessness, and readiness to cry and run to bed and curl up in a ball.

"Doing what you love is the only way you'll succeed" I told a high schooler who told me his parents wanted him to be a doctor instead of a pilot. And I believe that with all my heart, just sometimes.. things get so difficult you forget how lovable something is. Just gotta step back, take a breather.

I look at the other students in other majors, and I pity them because I'm in aviation. But I do it with the hope that when they look at me, they pity me because they're in civil engineering/social work/vocal performance/biochemistry/agriculture/etc. I am so glad I get to do what I love. Now I pray God, that you continue to bless me, let me stay here.

Singularity: Recipe for a Guilty Suspect

One thing I absolutely despise about being single is when the women think I am after their men. I hate it, absolutely hate it. Don't confuse my kindness as flirting. Don't confuse my gentleness as being lovedrunk. Don't confuse it! Don't confuse it!

 I place a large part of the blame on the guy. He thinks he is all that. He thinks he is a great find.

He must think I really admire him. He must think that I think he is so amazing, like the best thing I've ever heard of. He must think I couldn't handle the kindness that he showed for that brief moment. And in many ways he is a great guy. I can't find anything wrong with him except that he thinks of himself very highly. But even if a guy was an ideally perfect bachelor, it doesn't mean I would like him. Even if a guy was hunted down and stalked by lists of girls, it doesn't mean I would like him. Those feelings just come, not like something I can really control. And honestly, I feel absolutely nothing like that for him. Never even a thought of it, seriously.

And I can just feel it, he thinks I'm obsessed. He thinks I'm in love with him. Oh, Lord! I feel like I am being framed! Like they are stuffing a dead cat down my throat! I don't like him! But it feels like I'm being talked about. It feels like I'm being looked down on. It feels like my long held reputation of being clean, innocent, and untouched has been reduced to a desperate, scheming, boyfriend-stealing little Asian girl. I don't want that to be me. His only problem, narcissism, is hurting me. I am so glad my Lord knows my innocence. My Lord knows I would never dare to break people apart, to plot such wickedness, to shame Him like that.

He is such a nice person to talk to. I really appreciate having him as a friend, thinking of him no more than being another brother in Christ because he had my back and I intended to have his. But his narcissism, it is so dumb. I don't think I have ever ever ever ever flirted with him. And I am quite disturbed to even think that I may have given off that sort of vibe.. Ugh.. Disgusting, disturbing, despicable. I honestly hope I am not being used to make the girlfriend try harder to please him. I honestly hope the guy wakes up from his narcissism. I hope the girl realize my innocence. But if none of that happens, I am glad my Lord knows. Because that is all that matters, what my Lord knows. He knows my heart. But I don't think He would want misunderstandings to float around, especially since we are supposed to be the body, especially since we go to the same church.

Answered

Overwhelmed by God's grace. I am so sorry for my laziness. I am so glad that You love me none the lesser.

"I don't believe in any gods; I believe in myself", the spiritually blind woman said.

Oh Lord, how would I have ever gotten where I am without You in my life. How you have blessed me! You are greater than other idol or entity! How easy it is for me to bring praise when all is well! I am truly truly grateful. Please, never let this grace leave my sight.

Status

Is it weird to update your relationship status on networking websites? I feel awkwardness in updating mine. In the past I didn't update it as single because I had this gut feeling I would be single for a long long time and I would appear lame.

But now, I feel like if I put my status as single, I am appearing desperate, telling the facebook world that I am available.If they want to know if I have dated before, they could simply look at my profile pictures and note that there has ony been me. Singular. Not plural. Just me. I was never paired, I have been single, I am the sock without a match. I am a single, alone, by myself.

And I feel like putting my orientation makes me seem obnoxious and desperate. "I am interested in men and I am single" that sounds so wrong. I am seeking relationship or friendship. Flat out, weird! Even having it say "Interested in: Men" Men isn't really my hobby.. It's not like I'm interested in cooking, watching movies, chemistry, the architecture of Chicago.. Being interested in men sounds so.. questionable and strange.

Silence

As I proclaim my engagement, my readiness, to marry Jesus, I can feel Satan preparing to strike me, to tempt me, to tear me away. I want to say, "Jesus, I will carry my cross this time around. I won't let go, I'll latch onto you like a parasite to its host, like a drip of water to a dry sponge, like those sticky part that binds the paper to the water bottles. But like Carrie Underwood's song Jesus Take the Wheel had said, "I can't do this on my own" I am more ready, because I won't be alone."

Thinking Home

Thinking about home, the first thing I imagine is the small orange card-board box, filled with mail, unopened electrical, medical, gas bills, unpaid-for credit card bills, mortgages, possibly tickets, and many many more that require urgent attention. It's a burden to think about those things, it's a burden to wonder if one day I get a scholarship award and I lose it because the envelope was never opened.

Thank goodness my God is greater than my clutter, my messes, my failures.

Marry me, Jesus!

If I do get the opportunity, I only want to date Christians because nothing is more important to me than God. And I cannot let anyone pull me away from Him. No one! No one! No one! God is good, all the time! All the time, God is good! This sheep learned so much over the weekend. This sheep, who once was lost, realized that she didn't just find her shepherd randomly, but it was Jesus who brought her back to the good shepherd. It was Jesus, sent by God, that brought me back to Him. It is by grace, and grace alone. And I need, absolutely need, to show Jesus my love.

Jesus, in our relationship, if I evaluate the perspectives: my commitment, my concentration, my effort, my love.. then I would say that we have been dating for the last several years. But now I want to propose an engagement! I want to be faithful to you, I want to be yours forever. I want to marry you and I am surprised that we haven't! Let the wedding bells ring!