WR

It felt so good to speak Chinese again.

Everyone wants to hang out

Everyone wants to hang out. But hanging out costs money. I don't have money. Walking home today, I found a shiny quarter on the street. I picked it up and became a quarter richer, but even so, I cannot afford a pineapple bun from the bakery. I'm so sick of people asking me to go out to eat or to hang out, because it costs money. It costs money that I don't have. I don't even think I can afford my textbooks for next year. God, I want to work right now. God, I wish I had a job.

I keep hearing about people getting full-rides and really awesome scholarships at these top-ranked colleges and universities and all I got was a measly $14,000 academic scholarship. It's like SIUC threw a change purse at my face and laughed, taunting, "Haha, you're stupid." What is $14,000 compared to someone else who got $400,000?

But I need to look at this as another opportunity from God, so that I would have more faith in Him. I need to trust that since I am with God, I don't need to worry. My God is the strongest, richest, wisest, bestest. And He who is already so mighty and magnificent, knows my name. He knows every hair on my head and He loves me. I know He loves me because He loves Jesus. As I see people getting accepted into Yale, Harvard, Northwestern, Princeton, Colombia, Darthmouth, UCLA, Cal Tech, Cornell, etc etc, I feel like I become invisible. Like I'm just watching everyone. Like I'm a Kohl's check-out-girl at a Prada store. And I ask, God, why didn't I get into those schools? Why didn't You bless me with those kinds of acknowledgement and success? Well, first off, none of those have my major. I go to the number one aviation college in the country... and while it seems like other options are clearly the better ones, I need to have faith and trust that this is what God planned for me and He loves me so much and knows me so well, that what ever that happens to me is the best possible thing that could have happened to me, far better then I ever could have imagined.

Right now, I'm really stressed about money. Money for college. More stressed about it than I ever have been. Why must there be a holiday season for shopping? But God will take care of me, for I am a child of the light.

God, I pray you can help me out with this wisdom tooth, so I can get it out without missing two days of classes and paying so much extra for the return fare. If I don't get it out soon, I am not sure what will happen to my teeth in general. God, please be with me.

Victoria, Victoria

My name is really beautiful, I think. I hadn't really thought about it as much until recently. I wonder what must the Americans think when I introduce myself as Victoria. That name is just too classy for me, for this short little awkward looking Asian girl. How do they feel when they call me Victoria? Is it strange? That name sounds so beautiful, how do I live up to it? Victoria. Victoria. It is so beautiful. It has its own entity. Victoria Victoria. It is so special.

VICTORIA. Victoria. 


What if my name wasn't that, and it was something else, like Jackie, Laura, Stephanie, Karen, Mary, Carla, or something else?

Jackie Jiang, Laura Jiang, Stephanie Jiang, Karen Jiang, Mary Jiang, Carla Jiang.

I like Victoria Jiang. I'm Victoria Jiang. Call me Victoria. Call me Tori. Call me Tori, because I'm Victoria.

It's 4am

It's 4am, and I just got a notification that someone liked my photo. It was a photo from high school prom. This guy "liked" it and he commented something kinda creepy. I'd be much less concerned if it wasn't 4am. Why is he looking at my pictures at 4am? I'm a little scared.

And I wonder if this is the attention that would come if I dressed myself up, lost some weight, and put on make-up. I don't think I can handle this attention; it scares me.

Anxious Heart

God, please help me. Please watch over this distressed spirit. It seems things haven't changed that much for me. I still search for satisfaction through grades and human praise. God, am I pleasing You? Jesus, am I being your faithful bride?

Her name is Carmen

I see God working wonders in this young soul. Her heart softened, as smooth and airy as cappuccino. Hosanna! Hosanna in the highest!

A Fetus Reference

My heart is tender, my heart is weak. I feel like it is an amniotic sac, so fragile, so delicate.