Two years in Carbondale-- I was too different. I was too Asian amongst a white majority. I felt like God created a mistake when he made me. Why am I the thorn to everyone's side? I felt worn down as a person of color who constantly advocated for POC experiences to be seen amongst the fellowship and campus.
Two years in LA-- I was too similar. I was Asian, just like the Asian American majority. They were tired of stagnancy and Asian American leadership seemed to have failed them in its exclusive nature.
Two weeks in ISM in LA-- I am too different. I look like the majority. I can even speak like the HK majority. But, I am different and I think and act differently. I even dare to drink ice water on my period.
Transition is hard even in settings I am supposed to be good at already. You wonder if you'll ever belong somewhere and if you will ever be enough. But, the answer doesn't come from the people who are you ministry. You only can find you are enough and that you belong in God.
OXY was my silver lining. Where I was unwanted, challenged, and bullied upon my arrival and initial interactions, by the time I left, the students became like my famiy. My little sister, my little cuzzo, my little brother. I loved them, and I know they loved me. Leaving was hard. Yet here I am again at a place where I don't necessarily feel wanted or qualified. I feel challenged and disrespected.
I miss my OXY kids. I miss my familiar settings. This is part of the transition. You look back and you wonder what if you had stayed. You wonder if you'll ever make it through this transition into this new state. Perhaps you even look at the past with more rose tinted shades. Then you pat yourself on the back and say, "It's time to continue along the journey. We are not stopping here and we are not going back. Let's go now."
I feel many things, but nothing I haven't felt before. This feeling of being unwanted still stings.
I feel many things, but nothing I haven't felt before. This feeling of being unwanted still stings.
No comments:
Post a Comment