"If others can do it, why can't you?"
"It's not laborious if you love it"
I don't want to know the statistics of how many college students changing their majors. I don't want to know how many people drop out of aviation their first year. I don't want to doubt myself.
The past week, I have just been complaining about how hard the workload has been and how bad I have been performing. But I have such great support, such awesome people around me. And I have this brain that has been drilled to the core, the mushy core to memorize better, to function better than others. That beautiful mushy brain. Crystallized intelligence and fluid intelligence, one weaker than the other, I really made it. I really made it out of that hole. Now it seems that I've just been standing there, kicking dirt around, burying my feet because it's easier to be in a hole. But I don't want to be in the hole. I'm already so short.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
So much
There's so much to learn, Lord. I am so excited! To swim like the fishes, to fly like the birds, to sing like the wind, to run like the cheetah! All these wonderful gifts, I want to know them all!
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Give your life to God
God, I feel like there is nothing that would make me turn away from You. I don't think there is anything on this Earth that could do that, nothing You created can make me think that. I really want to say that I can do anything for You, I really want to believe that I will do anything for You-- and so far I do, or at least I believe so.
God, I will offer my life. I will do my very best to stop those bad things I do. I will come to hate myself for every time I lie, deceive, or bring shame to You. I've also been the sheep that tried to be its own shepherd. Jesus, You are the good shepherd. Please let me never lose sight of You. I don't know why I ever would, that sounds so stupid, but a lot of stupid things happen. I, the present me, just knows that if I were lost, I'd be very afraid, desperate, and devastated. And I know how much You would want me back, not that I am the best little sheep, but because You love me. God, I will try to be a good sheep. I will try to stop those bad habits, ignoring You when You tell me not to do things.
And that thing that has been bothering my heart for so long. "Give your life to God", Jaeson Ma judged me. He judged me, God! Another sheep judged me! He was so proud, preaching to us. He was so proud that he can shout out to thousands and even millions of people that he 'loves Jesus Christ'. He was so proud that he proved that he gave his life to You. Although You can already read my heart, my thoughts, my logic, my meaning, I need to write this out for myself. I don't think everyone need to be a preacher or pastor to give his/her life to You. I don't think everyone needs to go on missions to Africa or make Christian cds or host worship concerts. I mean, if giving their life to God meant being in the "religion"-field, then wouldn't all Christians aim to become pastors, deacons, and other members of the church? Then there would be no more mailmen, no more janitors, no more ice cream men, no more teachers, chefs, electricians, doctors, poets, artists, etc.
God, I can do whatever You ask of me to do, but I don't know what You want. I've never felt that anything was impossible for me, I just have that cockiness. I'm that cocky sheep that plays humble and tries to be its own shepherd. I really enjoyed being a student leader, giving small spiels about the gospel, making one-minute-bibles, telling others about God. And when I was at the Intervarsity Fellowship, I listened to the student lead a sermon and I thought "wow, I can do this" I mean.. with God's help.. He was in engineering, but he led a sermon. God, I also want to show others that way I see You. I want others to see how great Your love is. I want others to at least see what I see. But I don't believe that the only way to offer my life to You is by becoming a specific member of the church. God, I can offer up my life in all my actions, interactions, and words. I can do my best to reveal You in me.
On campus, there are three things I really love 1. Going to church 2. Learning to Fly 3. Talking about God
The Vine's pastor said to us, "You all think you came to Carbondale for school, but God has a greater plan in store for you." It kinda creeped me out. I indeed did come to Carbondale for school, but I have God with me wherever I go.. But I guess ever since I came here, my spiritual life has only grown and gotten stronger. Carbondale is my hidden gem. I'm a bit afraid of Your plan, but I am sure that You, indeed, do have a greater plan for me.
I can admit it now and say it loud in Roman Times font, I can live here, in Carbondale, the countryside, the cornfield, the everything that Chicago already has plus more, except stars in a night sky, for the rest of my life. I can give up Chicago, my family, my sister, my friends, my history, if that is what you want. I can give up all of my friends, every single one, even the ones that made me laugh, cry, scream, and jump. There is none I love more than You, God. Writing it all down feels so much better.
And I'm still fearful in saying this, but I love You more than my sister. I fear because I know You have the ability to take her away from me to test me. But God, I can never leave You. She is second to You, God. If it weren't for You, we would have still hated each other. We would have no bond, no smiles, no jokes, no care. We would have been strangers to each other, possibly even enemies. God, I love You very much. I can't speak for You and no one can speak for You, Lord. And I don't know what You want from me yet. God, you are my only God, my greatest love, but I really believe that I don't need to seek employment from church to give You my life. God, You already have it. But I don't want to speak for You and say that I am going to be a pilot. My heart has been so disturbed by that concert, I can't tell if being a pilot is just what I want or if it's what You've decided is best for me. I really can't tell.
God, I will offer my life. I will do my very best to stop those bad things I do. I will come to hate myself for every time I lie, deceive, or bring shame to You. I've also been the sheep that tried to be its own shepherd. Jesus, You are the good shepherd. Please let me never lose sight of You. I don't know why I ever would, that sounds so stupid, but a lot of stupid things happen. I, the present me, just knows that if I were lost, I'd be very afraid, desperate, and devastated. And I know how much You would want me back, not that I am the best little sheep, but because You love me. God, I will try to be a good sheep. I will try to stop those bad habits, ignoring You when You tell me not to do things.
And that thing that has been bothering my heart for so long. "Give your life to God", Jaeson Ma judged me. He judged me, God! Another sheep judged me! He was so proud, preaching to us. He was so proud that he can shout out to thousands and even millions of people that he 'loves Jesus Christ'. He was so proud that he proved that he gave his life to You. Although You can already read my heart, my thoughts, my logic, my meaning, I need to write this out for myself. I don't think everyone need to be a preacher or pastor to give his/her life to You. I don't think everyone needs to go on missions to Africa or make Christian cds or host worship concerts. I mean, if giving their life to God meant being in the "religion"-field, then wouldn't all Christians aim to become pastors, deacons, and other members of the church? Then there would be no more mailmen, no more janitors, no more ice cream men, no more teachers, chefs, electricians, doctors, poets, artists, etc.
God, I can do whatever You ask of me to do, but I don't know what You want. I've never felt that anything was impossible for me, I just have that cockiness. I'm that cocky sheep that plays humble and tries to be its own shepherd. I really enjoyed being a student leader, giving small spiels about the gospel, making one-minute-bibles, telling others about God. And when I was at the Intervarsity Fellowship, I listened to the student lead a sermon and I thought "wow, I can do this" I mean.. with God's help.. He was in engineering, but he led a sermon. God, I also want to show others that way I see You. I want others to see how great Your love is. I want others to at least see what I see. But I don't believe that the only way to offer my life to You is by becoming a specific member of the church. God, I can offer up my life in all my actions, interactions, and words. I can do my best to reveal You in me.
On campus, there are three things I really love 1. Going to church 2. Learning to Fly 3. Talking about God
The Vine's pastor said to us, "You all think you came to Carbondale for school, but God has a greater plan in store for you." It kinda creeped me out. I indeed did come to Carbondale for school, but I have God with me wherever I go.. But I guess ever since I came here, my spiritual life has only grown and gotten stronger. Carbondale is my hidden gem. I'm a bit afraid of Your plan, but I am sure that You, indeed, do have a greater plan for me.
I can admit it now and say it loud in Roman Times font, I can live here, in Carbondale, the countryside, the cornfield, the everything that Chicago already has plus more, except stars in a night sky, for the rest of my life. I can give up Chicago, my family, my sister, my friends, my history, if that is what you want. I can give up all of my friends, every single one, even the ones that made me laugh, cry, scream, and jump. There is none I love more than You, God. Writing it all down feels so much better.
And I'm still fearful in saying this, but I love You more than my sister. I fear because I know You have the ability to take her away from me to test me. But God, I can never leave You. She is second to You, God. If it weren't for You, we would have still hated each other. We would have no bond, no smiles, no jokes, no care. We would have been strangers to each other, possibly even enemies. God, I love You very much. I can't speak for You and no one can speak for You, Lord. And I don't know what You want from me yet. God, you are my only God, my greatest love, but I really believe that I don't need to seek employment from church to give You my life. God, You already have it. But I don't want to speak for You and say that I am going to be a pilot. My heart has been so disturbed by that concert, I can't tell if being a pilot is just what I want or if it's what You've decided is best for me. I really can't tell.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Go Ahead, Damn Me
Don't judge me by the things I couldn't control, don't judge me by the choices I didn't make. But instead, judge me by my actions, my words, my works, my change, my efforts. You can even judge my weight because God has given me the ability to control it. I don't have a crazy fast metabolism, nor do I have an incredibly slow one. God has given me the ability to control my body, to show that I truly care about myself. Except my giant calves, those, I were born with, so don't judge me for those. But if you do judge me for those things I couldn't control, like my calves, my heritage, my face, my age, my background, my height, my passion, my dreams, then.. I don't know. I can't do anything but to ask you not to, but if you do anyways, then I don't know.
Then I suppose you should go ahead, judge me by my height. And damn me because I can never find pants my length. Damn me because my parents gave up their dignity to provide for me. Damn me because I'm Yellow. Damn me because I have ten toes, four eyes, two arms, one nose. Damn me because I have variation in my skin. DAMN me because I'm belly button in. DAMN ME BECAUSE I CAN READ BETTER, SPEAK BETTER, ACT BETTER THAN YOU. Damn me, because I try so hard. Damn me, because of my big ass heart that still has room to forgive you.
Then I suppose you should go ahead, judge me by my height. And damn me because I can never find pants my length. Damn me because my parents gave up their dignity to provide for me. Damn me because I'm Yellow. Damn me because I have ten toes, four eyes, two arms, one nose. Damn me because I have variation in my skin. DAMN me because I'm belly button in. DAMN ME BECAUSE I CAN READ BETTER, SPEAK BETTER, ACT BETTER THAN YOU. Damn me, because I try so hard. Damn me, because of my big ass heart that still has room to forgive you.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
no baby no more
it's not missing the convenience of home, nor is it missing the presence of family, but it's realizing that I'm no baby no more that gets to me most. I almost can't believe that I've made it this far, not as if I am very successful or accomplished, but I'm in college. You know you're old, when your kids are in college. You know you're old when your kids have kids. You know you're old when your kids' kids have kids. Less than 6 hours, but I already yearn for home. Dropped off at a wild place, I worry. This is supposed to be one of the best times of my life, but this is where I stand now. And where I stand now stands for the end to being a baby. I'm no baby no more, no matter how much I'd want to fall into regression, no matter how much I need, no matter how much I cry. I'm no baby no more. Or at least, no one will recognize me as one.
Pray that I find my niche, pray that I find balance and comfort. Pray that This pause in my heart, this traffic in my mind will play, will drive, will do whatever it does to go away. Pray for no drama, pray for no danger. Pray for this baby that is no baby no more.
Pray that I find my niche, pray that I find balance and comfort. Pray that This pause in my heart, this traffic in my mind will play, will drive, will do whatever it does to go away. Pray for no drama, pray for no danger. Pray for this baby that is no baby no more.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Lil Dreamer
I haven't felt as close to God for a long time. And I haven't received that sort of attention from church in an even longer time. Jireh truly has become a family for me, where there are moments of ecstatic high and periods of heat wave tension. But I think true love is knowing all those flaws, having all those bad experiences, and still, wanting to go back to it. Now I look back and I wished I had tried harder on every one of my activities and involvements with Jireh. I'm glad with what I have contributed, but I really do wish I had more time with Jireh. I'm actually that old, and before I know it I'll be 20, 30, 40, 50! I'll think back and I will truly yearn for these days, yearn for every moment I didn't yearn over before. I will yearn for this day, this hour, this very moment as I write this blog. I believe that if I stay in this path, in God's light, I will have a life of much less yearning for the past. What a cliche blog entry, what a fearful, sad, worried mind.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)