God, are you a jokester right now? Trolololololing.

A pile of random thoughts

In a crowded room, I like to stand in the back by myself. In a crowded world, I like to hide behind the esteem of my actions and achievements, because by myself I have nothing. Because in them, people would find value, and perhaps that value would be shed onto what they see in me. Ever since college, I've avoided coming home to Chicago, because I knew I had less and less to hide behind. No worthy deed, no wonderous act. It's just me. I've been afraid that it wouldn't be enough.

Some moments, I ask myself, "Are you really doing this?" and I imagine myself back on campus as an InterVarsity staff worker. "Oh my God, what am I doing?" People will think I'm a student. Then when they find out I'm not, they'll think I'm weird.

Some moments, I take hold of myself and how far I've come in this breadth of my life. I would never have imagined in all my capacity for imagination, that I would go into ministry. So some moments, I say to myself, "Oh my God, this is really happening."

Sometimes when I get the chance to catch myself in the mirror, I feel like my body is really separate from me, like it doesn't truly belong to me. While separate, the choices I make have a direct effect on it. Did I steward her well?

God is not done with me. God will never be done with me. As long as my spirit lives, He lives with me also. Sometimes I really suck as a human being, but God will always be my God.

Visit from an Old Friend

It's been a while since I saw my old friend. Not much has changed, but at the same time, a lot has. I had almost forgotten. It's been a while. You've seen me back in old routines. You've seen me back, cornered in the same place. You've seen me back, alone and sad. It's been a while since I saw my old friend. Although my body tires, my soul can't find rest. Old friend, how long is your stay, or are you just passing by?

God, my God. Abba, my Abba. Lord, my Lord. My old friend is back, and she is not my friend.

Under the Sun and the Stars

D: Tori, can you please be quiet for a moment and listen to me? Can you please stay out of the sun?
T: No, I can't. lol
D: What about when you get a boyfriend? Don't you want people to like you?
Change topic...

T:If a boy says to me, "Tori, I'd like you if only you were more white color" he would be an asshole. Is that really what you want for me?
D: That's the truth.
T:Asian Americans are different. We don't think like that
D: No. Everyone does. Don't you get upset when people call you Filipino?
T:Of course I get upset. I get angry not because being Filipino is bad but because Chinese people look down on Filipino's. Just like if people discriminate against black people or Chinese people.. It's not something that we can help. I can't stop being Chinese for them. I can't change that for anyone.

Where you are is where I want to be

Lord, if you say to me, 'Come back to Chicago.' I will come back.
Lord, if you say to me, 'Go to ISU.' I will go to ISU.
Lord, if you say to me, 'Go to ---- Community College.' I will go to ---- Community College.
Lord, if you say to me, 'Stay at Carbondale.' I will stay at Carbondale.

Lord, where you are is where I want to be. Because when I am with you, I am complete, and I lack nothing. Even if it is at your feet, I long for that place. There is no other place like where you are.

God, why are you so good to me?

I like sleeping with a notebook and pen by my side.

'Maybe I can catch one'