Thinking about home, the first thing I imagine is the small orange card-board box, filled with mail, unopened electrical, medical, gas bills, unpaid-for credit card bills, mortgages, possibly tickets, and many many more that require urgent attention. It's a burden to think about those things, it's a burden to wonder if one day I get a scholarship award and I lose it because the envelope was never opened.
Thank goodness my God is greater than my clutter, my messes, my failures.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Marry me, Jesus!
If I do get the opportunity, I only want to date Christians because nothing is more important to me than God. And I cannot let anyone pull me away from Him. No one! No one! No one! God is good, all the time! All the time, God is good! This sheep learned so much over the weekend. This sheep, who once was lost, realized that she didn't just find her shepherd randomly, but it was Jesus who brought her back to the good shepherd. It was Jesus, sent by God, that brought me back to Him. It is by grace, and grace alone. And I need, absolutely need, to show Jesus my love.
Jesus, in our relationship, if I evaluate the perspectives: my commitment, my concentration, my effort, my love.. then I would say that we have been dating for the last several years. But now I want to propose an engagement! I want to be faithful to you, I want to be yours forever. I want to marry you and I am surprised that we haven't! Let the wedding bells ring!
Jesus, in our relationship, if I evaluate the perspectives: my commitment, my concentration, my effort, my love.. then I would say that we have been dating for the last several years. But now I want to propose an engagement! I want to be faithful to you, I want to be yours forever. I want to marry you and I am surprised that we haven't! Let the wedding bells ring!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Sudden Symptoms of a Crush
Very sensitive, very observant, very responsive. "So, Victoria! Who do you like? Jacob! You think he's cute? Or, do you like Grape Juice!" Wow at how fast he spoke and my heart skipped some beats at the shock of what he asked. Really shocked. I guess that was his kind rejection. Him, saying, "Don't like me! Don't like me! Please, don't like me!" I was going to say " I like you!!!" as a joke, but he didn't let me finish. Maybe he was afraid to hear it, even if it weren't true.
I thought about it more before I went to sleep, after I woke up, and during my walk to classes. I need to set him straight. I need to tell him not to worry about me fantasizing about him, not to worry about me falling in crush/like/love with him. Because these symptoms he may have noticed, these signs I had that may have suggested a crush was developing/ has developed, weren't completely true. He is so awesome, so funny, so freakin' funny, and I just like being around him. I like listening to him talk. And it is very likely that even I may have confused that as being a crush for several moments, but in conclusion, I am really grateful to have met him. I want him in my life, and I don't know how to say that or mean that without any relationship/reference/hinting to it being a crush.
And I told them I've never dated, never had sex. So if he really asked that for the sake of asking it, then I can only reason logically that.. in a girl's life.. if she has never dated for eighteen years, just because there are new guys in her life, it doesn't mean she's gonna start dating.
It doesn't mean the problem was the guys in my life. All along, the problem has been me.
I've been the problem. I've been the reason why I've never dated. I've been the reason why I was never a girlfriend. I've been the reason.
And I really want to confide in him, tell him what I'm feeling like he is my dear friend. I want to tell him that, I'm feeling like I won't find anyone to date in college either. Because everyone else here is concerned only about sex. Those who have had it are looking for more. Those who haven't are so desperately looking for some. And then there's me, one that doesn't want it at all... that is until I'm married.
God doesn't want me to be desperate, and I am saying this not because of any feminist opinions, but because God really doesn't want me to chase after men.
34 An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.
1 Corinthians 6:34-35
God, I still do hope and expect to get married some day. But I completely acknowledge the possibility of that not happening at all. Haha.
I thought about it more before I went to sleep, after I woke up, and during my walk to classes. I need to set him straight. I need to tell him not to worry about me fantasizing about him, not to worry about me falling in crush/like/love with him. Because these symptoms he may have noticed, these signs I had that may have suggested a crush was developing/ has developed, weren't completely true. He is so awesome, so funny, so freakin' funny, and I just like being around him. I like listening to him talk. And it is very likely that even I may have confused that as being a crush for several moments, but in conclusion, I am really grateful to have met him. I want him in my life, and I don't know how to say that or mean that without any relationship/reference/hinting to it being a crush.
And I told them I've never dated, never had sex. So if he really asked that for the sake of asking it, then I can only reason logically that.. in a girl's life.. if she has never dated for eighteen years, just because there are new guys in her life, it doesn't mean she's gonna start dating.
It doesn't mean the problem was the guys in my life. All along, the problem has been me.
I've been the problem. I've been the reason why I've never dated. I've been the reason why I was never a girlfriend. I've been the reason.
And I really want to confide in him, tell him what I'm feeling like he is my dear friend. I want to tell him that, I'm feeling like I won't find anyone to date in college either. Because everyone else here is concerned only about sex. Those who have had it are looking for more. Those who haven't are so desperately looking for some. And then there's me, one that doesn't want it at all... that is until I'm married.
God doesn't want me to be desperate, and I am saying this not because of any feminist opinions, but because God really doesn't want me to chase after men.
34 An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.
1 Corinthians 6:34-35
God, I still do hope and expect to get married some day. But I completely acknowledge the possibility of that not happening at all. Haha.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Very short
"If others can do it, why can't you?"
"It's not laborious if you love it"
I don't want to know the statistics of how many college students changing their majors. I don't want to know how many people drop out of aviation their first year. I don't want to doubt myself.
The past week, I have just been complaining about how hard the workload has been and how bad I have been performing. But I have such great support, such awesome people around me. And I have this brain that has been drilled to the core, the mushy core to memorize better, to function better than others. That beautiful mushy brain. Crystallized intelligence and fluid intelligence, one weaker than the other, I really made it. I really made it out of that hole. Now it seems that I've just been standing there, kicking dirt around, burying my feet because it's easier to be in a hole. But I don't want to be in the hole. I'm already so short.
"It's not laborious if you love it"
I don't want to know the statistics of how many college students changing their majors. I don't want to know how many people drop out of aviation their first year. I don't want to doubt myself.
The past week, I have just been complaining about how hard the workload has been and how bad I have been performing. But I have such great support, such awesome people around me. And I have this brain that has been drilled to the core, the mushy core to memorize better, to function better than others. That beautiful mushy brain. Crystallized intelligence and fluid intelligence, one weaker than the other, I really made it. I really made it out of that hole. Now it seems that I've just been standing there, kicking dirt around, burying my feet because it's easier to be in a hole. But I don't want to be in the hole. I'm already so short.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
So much
There's so much to learn, Lord. I am so excited! To swim like the fishes, to fly like the birds, to sing like the wind, to run like the cheetah! All these wonderful gifts, I want to know them all!
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Give your life to God
God, I feel like there is nothing that would make me turn away from You. I don't think there is anything on this Earth that could do that, nothing You created can make me think that. I really want to say that I can do anything for You, I really want to believe that I will do anything for You-- and so far I do, or at least I believe so.
God, I will offer my life. I will do my very best to stop those bad things I do. I will come to hate myself for every time I lie, deceive, or bring shame to You. I've also been the sheep that tried to be its own shepherd. Jesus, You are the good shepherd. Please let me never lose sight of You. I don't know why I ever would, that sounds so stupid, but a lot of stupid things happen. I, the present me, just knows that if I were lost, I'd be very afraid, desperate, and devastated. And I know how much You would want me back, not that I am the best little sheep, but because You love me. God, I will try to be a good sheep. I will try to stop those bad habits, ignoring You when You tell me not to do things.
And that thing that has been bothering my heart for so long. "Give your life to God", Jaeson Ma judged me. He judged me, God! Another sheep judged me! He was so proud, preaching to us. He was so proud that he can shout out to thousands and even millions of people that he 'loves Jesus Christ'. He was so proud that he proved that he gave his life to You. Although You can already read my heart, my thoughts, my logic, my meaning, I need to write this out for myself. I don't think everyone need to be a preacher or pastor to give his/her life to You. I don't think everyone needs to go on missions to Africa or make Christian cds or host worship concerts. I mean, if giving their life to God meant being in the "religion"-field, then wouldn't all Christians aim to become pastors, deacons, and other members of the church? Then there would be no more mailmen, no more janitors, no more ice cream men, no more teachers, chefs, electricians, doctors, poets, artists, etc.
God, I can do whatever You ask of me to do, but I don't know what You want. I've never felt that anything was impossible for me, I just have that cockiness. I'm that cocky sheep that plays humble and tries to be its own shepherd. I really enjoyed being a student leader, giving small spiels about the gospel, making one-minute-bibles, telling others about God. And when I was at the Intervarsity Fellowship, I listened to the student lead a sermon and I thought "wow, I can do this" I mean.. with God's help.. He was in engineering, but he led a sermon. God, I also want to show others that way I see You. I want others to see how great Your love is. I want others to at least see what I see. But I don't believe that the only way to offer my life to You is by becoming a specific member of the church. God, I can offer up my life in all my actions, interactions, and words. I can do my best to reveal You in me.
On campus, there are three things I really love 1. Going to church 2. Learning to Fly 3. Talking about God
The Vine's pastor said to us, "You all think you came to Carbondale for school, but God has a greater plan in store for you." It kinda creeped me out. I indeed did come to Carbondale for school, but I have God with me wherever I go.. But I guess ever since I came here, my spiritual life has only grown and gotten stronger. Carbondale is my hidden gem. I'm a bit afraid of Your plan, but I am sure that You, indeed, do have a greater plan for me.
I can admit it now and say it loud in Roman Times font, I can live here, in Carbondale, the countryside, the cornfield, the everything that Chicago already has plus more, except stars in a night sky, for the rest of my life. I can give up Chicago, my family, my sister, my friends, my history, if that is what you want. I can give up all of my friends, every single one, even the ones that made me laugh, cry, scream, and jump. There is none I love more than You, God. Writing it all down feels so much better.
And I'm still fearful in saying this, but I love You more than my sister. I fear because I know You have the ability to take her away from me to test me. But God, I can never leave You. She is second to You, God. If it weren't for You, we would have still hated each other. We would have no bond, no smiles, no jokes, no care. We would have been strangers to each other, possibly even enemies. God, I love You very much. I can't speak for You and no one can speak for You, Lord. And I don't know what You want from me yet. God, you are my only God, my greatest love, but I really believe that I don't need to seek employment from church to give You my life. God, You already have it. But I don't want to speak for You and say that I am going to be a pilot. My heart has been so disturbed by that concert, I can't tell if being a pilot is just what I want or if it's what You've decided is best for me. I really can't tell.
God, I will offer my life. I will do my very best to stop those bad things I do. I will come to hate myself for every time I lie, deceive, or bring shame to You. I've also been the sheep that tried to be its own shepherd. Jesus, You are the good shepherd. Please let me never lose sight of You. I don't know why I ever would, that sounds so stupid, but a lot of stupid things happen. I, the present me, just knows that if I were lost, I'd be very afraid, desperate, and devastated. And I know how much You would want me back, not that I am the best little sheep, but because You love me. God, I will try to be a good sheep. I will try to stop those bad habits, ignoring You when You tell me not to do things.
And that thing that has been bothering my heart for so long. "Give your life to God", Jaeson Ma judged me. He judged me, God! Another sheep judged me! He was so proud, preaching to us. He was so proud that he can shout out to thousands and even millions of people that he 'loves Jesus Christ'. He was so proud that he proved that he gave his life to You. Although You can already read my heart, my thoughts, my logic, my meaning, I need to write this out for myself. I don't think everyone need to be a preacher or pastor to give his/her life to You. I don't think everyone needs to go on missions to Africa or make Christian cds or host worship concerts. I mean, if giving their life to God meant being in the "religion"-field, then wouldn't all Christians aim to become pastors, deacons, and other members of the church? Then there would be no more mailmen, no more janitors, no more ice cream men, no more teachers, chefs, electricians, doctors, poets, artists, etc.
God, I can do whatever You ask of me to do, but I don't know what You want. I've never felt that anything was impossible for me, I just have that cockiness. I'm that cocky sheep that plays humble and tries to be its own shepherd. I really enjoyed being a student leader, giving small spiels about the gospel, making one-minute-bibles, telling others about God. And when I was at the Intervarsity Fellowship, I listened to the student lead a sermon and I thought "wow, I can do this" I mean.. with God's help.. He was in engineering, but he led a sermon. God, I also want to show others that way I see You. I want others to see how great Your love is. I want others to at least see what I see. But I don't believe that the only way to offer my life to You is by becoming a specific member of the church. God, I can offer up my life in all my actions, interactions, and words. I can do my best to reveal You in me.
On campus, there are three things I really love 1. Going to church 2. Learning to Fly 3. Talking about God
The Vine's pastor said to us, "You all think you came to Carbondale for school, but God has a greater plan in store for you." It kinda creeped me out. I indeed did come to Carbondale for school, but I have God with me wherever I go.. But I guess ever since I came here, my spiritual life has only grown and gotten stronger. Carbondale is my hidden gem. I'm a bit afraid of Your plan, but I am sure that You, indeed, do have a greater plan for me.
I can admit it now and say it loud in Roman Times font, I can live here, in Carbondale, the countryside, the cornfield, the everything that Chicago already has plus more, except stars in a night sky, for the rest of my life. I can give up Chicago, my family, my sister, my friends, my history, if that is what you want. I can give up all of my friends, every single one, even the ones that made me laugh, cry, scream, and jump. There is none I love more than You, God. Writing it all down feels so much better.
And I'm still fearful in saying this, but I love You more than my sister. I fear because I know You have the ability to take her away from me to test me. But God, I can never leave You. She is second to You, God. If it weren't for You, we would have still hated each other. We would have no bond, no smiles, no jokes, no care. We would have been strangers to each other, possibly even enemies. God, I love You very much. I can't speak for You and no one can speak for You, Lord. And I don't know what You want from me yet. God, you are my only God, my greatest love, but I really believe that I don't need to seek employment from church to give You my life. God, You already have it. But I don't want to speak for You and say that I am going to be a pilot. My heart has been so disturbed by that concert, I can't tell if being a pilot is just what I want or if it's what You've decided is best for me. I really can't tell.
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