Sometimes you let your mind day dream.
Financial stresses come and I entertain thoughts I'd never really do.. like..
maybe I should marry rich. Maybe I should meet that accountant my aunt has been bugging me about.
maybe I should leave ministry, go back to graduate school for a degree that earns much more. Like nursing or radiology or almost anything else
maybe time will stop. it will slow down. it will wait for me to catch up. it will let me take a time out, to pick up my pieces, to wipe off the dirt, to look at a motivational cat poster.
But none of those things is what is supposed to happen for me. I know that. I'm sure that accountant is a nice guy. I am sure nursing is a very fulfilling career. I am sure time is not biased towards anyone in particular. But sometimes you just let your mind day dream.
That's the false beauty of day dreams. They are only worthwhile for the moment you have them. Any longer and the truth is that the day dream takes place under fixed conditions that belongs to a false reality. Yes, there are financial stresses, but to assume any of the scenarios will make me happier is untrue. Sometimes mo' money mo' problems.
Saturday, October 1, 2016
Thursday, August 25, 2016
When I'm tired, I have almost no filter. Or it's like my brain works so much slower, my realization that my thought s inappropriate comes a few seconds later.
Campus ministry.. my own insecurities come to the surface. Rejection from family, from my peers, even from the students I'm whole heartedly serving. So I must fix my gaze once again on God. He is the one I serve, not my students. He is the one who accepts me, who desires my whole being.
Lord, what is this crown you've placed over my head. It is a crown of shame, of failure, of loss, yet to you, you made it a crown of honor, of glory, of victory.
Each day I feel like I die more and more. As I die, may God manifest in those dead places in me, bringing forth life. I accept this crown, and I am dying. My self is dying.
Campus ministry.. my own insecurities come to the surface. Rejection from family, from my peers, even from the students I'm whole heartedly serving. So I must fix my gaze once again on God. He is the one I serve, not my students. He is the one who accepts me, who desires my whole being.
Lord, what is this crown you've placed over my head. It is a crown of shame, of failure, of loss, yet to you, you made it a crown of honor, of glory, of victory.
Each day I feel like I die more and more. As I die, may God manifest in those dead places in me, bringing forth life. I accept this crown, and I am dying. My self is dying.
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Love, thank you for stopping by. As you leave, would you please leave the door open?
I've had the pleasure of experiencing incredible loyalty, self-sacrifice, and love from people I called my friends. They've come and they've gone. None, do I dare call mine. None, do I dare ask to stay, because I know they were never mine to begin with. Some married, some moved, some lost touch.. I let go of my possessiveness and longing in exchange for gratitude and acceptance. I am who I realize myself to be because of them.
Love, thank you for stopping by. As you leave, would you please leave the door open?
I've had the pleasure of experiencing incredible loyalty, self-sacrifice, and love from people I called my friends. They've come and they've gone. None, do I dare call mine. None, do I dare ask to stay, because I know they were never mine to begin with. Some married, some moved, some lost touch.. I let go of my possessiveness and longing in exchange for gratitude and acceptance. I am who I realize myself to be because of them.
Love, thank you for stopping by. As you leave, would you please leave the door open?
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Influence Me/ Rant
Today has been a very long day. I think for a large part of it, I feel like my brain is clenched. Yes, my actual soft, slimey, flesh brain.
If we don't process, the activities of our lives just slip by. We'd remember so much less. We'd commit a disservice to ourselves by not reflecting. The purpose gets lost. I come back so many nights exhausted physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. I have little strength to journal or to pray. But if I don't, I rob myself of realizing the moments where God was very present in my day.
I am learning so much about myself and so much about God. I'm frustrated because there is so much that I want to do, but I know I can't do them all. So I need to intentionally invest in a few areas, a few people, a few projects, so that the product would lead to more sustaining work. So I wouldn't be needed. So that the work does not cease without me. So that the value and purpose of my work is carried and continued onward. So that's the vision of leadership. That's the vision of being an influencer.
___________
Reflecting on a lot of things. Unfulfillment, loneliness, waiting. Realizing if I had what I orginally wanted, I would have forgotten God. I was so foolishly happy. I was foolishly happy.
What am I doing with my life? When I look back years from now, even months from now.. I cannot count my students or their souls, their gratefulness, or their change. That reward will not be able to satisfy me. It will never be worth the best years of my life. My prize can only be God. Day by day, the Lord is my prize. Growing in intimacy with him, and becoming more and more like him. Not in the power-hungry way, but as the child bears the image of his father. May I resemble my Father. May this life I live be a pleasing offering. I've committed. I'm all in. Jesus, it's you, and it's all or nothing. There isn't really even the nothing option. It's simply all you.
As I stumble around to learn this abstract idea of being more like the Father, I struggle. Day by day, I see my will, my plans, my hopes, and my desires. Night by night, I surrender them. Again and again. As years past, as wrinkles and baggier eyes appear, it certainly becomes harder and harder to say yes. Saying yes involves tears, anger, and heart break. Saying yes demands surrender and vulnerability. Saying yes costs your life, and it's a lifetime of learning what that life is worth, what that life is capable of, what suffering it can endure.
I've tasted and seen, but I've only tasted and seen so much. There's still so much ahead. I have no idea what lies ahead.
If we don't process, the activities of our lives just slip by. We'd remember so much less. We'd commit a disservice to ourselves by not reflecting. The purpose gets lost. I come back so many nights exhausted physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. I have little strength to journal or to pray. But if I don't, I rob myself of realizing the moments where God was very present in my day.
I am learning so much about myself and so much about God. I'm frustrated because there is so much that I want to do, but I know I can't do them all. So I need to intentionally invest in a few areas, a few people, a few projects, so that the product would lead to more sustaining work. So I wouldn't be needed. So that the work does not cease without me. So that the value and purpose of my work is carried and continued onward. So that's the vision of leadership. That's the vision of being an influencer.
___________
Reflecting on a lot of things. Unfulfillment, loneliness, waiting. Realizing if I had what I orginally wanted, I would have forgotten God. I was so foolishly happy. I was foolishly happy.
What am I doing with my life? When I look back years from now, even months from now.. I cannot count my students or their souls, their gratefulness, or their change. That reward will not be able to satisfy me. It will never be worth the best years of my life. My prize can only be God. Day by day, the Lord is my prize. Growing in intimacy with him, and becoming more and more like him. Not in the power-hungry way, but as the child bears the image of his father. May I resemble my Father. May this life I live be a pleasing offering. I've committed. I'm all in. Jesus, it's you, and it's all or nothing. There isn't really even the nothing option. It's simply all you.
As I stumble around to learn this abstract idea of being more like the Father, I struggle. Day by day, I see my will, my plans, my hopes, and my desires. Night by night, I surrender them. Again and again. As years past, as wrinkles and baggier eyes appear, it certainly becomes harder and harder to say yes. Saying yes involves tears, anger, and heart break. Saying yes demands surrender and vulnerability. Saying yes costs your life, and it's a lifetime of learning what that life is worth, what that life is capable of, what suffering it can endure.
I've tasted and seen, but I've only tasted and seen so much. There's still so much ahead. I have no idea what lies ahead.
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Summer 2015
My heart is hurt from old wounds. So many wounds, why do they still sting? Hasn't time offered healing?
Summer 2015 was an incredibly difficult summer. Loneliness, anxiety, fear, self-loathing.. Summer 2015; it was an incredibly difficult summer.
I have this unknown and deep fear about attraction. I feel the burden of broken sexuality. The lie that women are hypersexualized. Our bodies are sin-provoking and a danger to man. Our bodies need to be covered up. We can't touch, or we're hussies. We can't be friendly, or we're flirtatious and desperate.
Summer 2015. I was suffocating. My heart hurts from old wounds. Why do they still sting? Hasn't time offered healing?
Summer 2015 was an incredibly difficult summer.
Summer 2015 was an incredibly difficult summer. Loneliness, anxiety, fear, self-loathing.. Summer 2015; it was an incredibly difficult summer.
I have this unknown and deep fear about attraction. I feel the burden of broken sexuality. The lie that women are hypersexualized. Our bodies are sin-provoking and a danger to man. Our bodies need to be covered up. We can't touch, or we're hussies. We can't be friendly, or we're flirtatious and desperate.
Summer 2015. I was suffocating. My heart hurts from old wounds. Why do they still sting? Hasn't time offered healing?
Summer 2015 was an incredibly difficult summer.
Random Rant: Forecast for Flurry
I feel a flurry of emotions. I looked out the window today and the sight was of giant snow flakes indecisively floating in the air with no direction and no cause.
I feel a flurry of emotions. It's building up and the roof is caving in. I am not processing. I am avoiding. I am momentarily unable to react. I am stunned. It's like I'm going on autopilot, bullstg my way through life. I'm counseling young students. I'm leading our leaders. I'm assisting in meetings. I'm participating in events and activities, and I am there.. but so easily I can go through the motions and pray the prayers but be empty inside.
But this time, I'm not empty. I'm quite the contrary, I think. I am full with emotions. Full with feelings. I feel for my students. I feel for my campus. I feel for my cause. I feel for my team. I feel for all the things that haven't come yet. My heart is breaking. I am exhausted from feeling. I am deeply burdened. But my heart is not mending. I am not being renewed. I do not feel lightness in the load that I carry. I suppose the root of it comes from a shallow relationship with God. Maybe because of my sin issues, my fears, my insecurities, my doubts.. I am withholding myself from God. But maybe we're not supposed to be happy all the time. Maybe right now, I am righteously burdened. Maybe my heart is righteously breaking. Nonetheless, I can't sit here forever in hopelessness
Feeling. Feeling. Feeling.
Crying. Crying. Crying.
Lord, would you come? Would you hear my cry and come?
I feel a flurry of emotions. It's building up and the roof is caving in. I am not processing. I am avoiding. I am momentarily unable to react. I am stunned. It's like I'm going on autopilot, bullstg my way through life. I'm counseling young students. I'm leading our leaders. I'm assisting in meetings. I'm participating in events and activities, and I am there.. but so easily I can go through the motions and pray the prayers but be empty inside.
But this time, I'm not empty. I'm quite the contrary, I think. I am full with emotions. Full with feelings. I feel for my students. I feel for my campus. I feel for my cause. I feel for my team. I feel for all the things that haven't come yet. My heart is breaking. I am exhausted from feeling. I am deeply burdened. But my heart is not mending. I am not being renewed. I do not feel lightness in the load that I carry. I suppose the root of it comes from a shallow relationship with God. Maybe because of my sin issues, my fears, my insecurities, my doubts.. I am withholding myself from God. But maybe we're not supposed to be happy all the time. Maybe right now, I am righteously burdened. Maybe my heart is righteously breaking. Nonetheless, I can't sit here forever in hopelessness
Feeling. Feeling. Feeling.
Crying. Crying. Crying.
Lord, would you come? Would you hear my cry and come?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)