God, why are you so good to me?

I like sleeping with a notebook and pen by my side.

'Maybe I can catch one'

Life-yolk

Sometimes life feels unbearably heavy. Heavy, like someone sitting over your chest. Heavy enough to break.

My shepherd takes my hand, and he says to me:

"Come to me, you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soul. For my yoke is easy and my  burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

Puppy Love: Rant

I never realized how wonderful singleness is.. Yeah, I have my bouts of melodrama, but right now I am so thankful that I have been single. The temptations and risks are in a whole new realm once you're in a relationship.. and I was always living on my own cloud, in my own fantasy world. I literally lived my own fantasy world, role playing online (super vulnerable and embarrassing to share this). Every person I liked/crushed on, I thought I loved them. I thought it was meant to be. I thought it would be forever. If anything like a relationship would've happened for me, I promise you, I would have broken all the boundaries, I would have gone on a totally different track. (Even if that happened, I know there is still healing and life in Jesus, but for sure my story and the areas where I feel broken/far from God would be different.. not less, not more, just different).

 I see online, a 17-year-old posting about her devout love for her beloved. I did some FB stalking on the guy, and I see that he has recently been unemployed from McDonald's, his profile picture is a bathroom selfie, his nick name is 'Puppy Love,' and he is 22 years-old (almost 23). Selfies are fine. Puppies are great. Working at a fast food place is cool, too, but something about this collective picture just makes me feel uneasy.. maybe even queasy.

What the hell are you doing with a high-school student, man? This girl has been professing her love on the internet for this guy. It's quite the poetry, but a part of me dies a little.. because she is so over her head for this guy who isn't really as prince-charming as she describes him to be.. I die on the inside, more so, because I know I was there. I was there when I was 17. Shoot, I was there a few months ago. Well not quite in the same way.. but it's scary. When 'love' or 'hormones' or just plain sexual desire blinds you from reality, from common sense, from keeping your integrity and dignity. BLEH. 

It's like this spell or this deep sleep that no one can wake you up from, and you don't realize what deep sh*t you've been in until you're out of it. It's like you're trapped in a glass box, only you can leave from the inside. Everyone's tellin' you to get the hell out of there. It's not good for you to be in there. It's not safe for you to be in that place.. but you think it's great, you think it's protecting you even.

But the whole while, Jesus is there waiting.. waiting for you to notice him, waiting so you can see what true love really is. 

The reminiscent eggroll

To remind myself of the value of an American dollar, I worked this Christmas Eve and Christmas at one of the only places open during the holidays, a Chinese restaurant. I'm reminded of the summer time when I worked part-time here, and it's the same.. the ugliness brought by the over privileged.

You come in and believe that once you leave, you leave, but no.. I will remember you. I remember the family two years ago who spoke in Spanish, because I understood their conversation and what they said about me. I remember the blonde family that came in and held hands to pray before eating. I remember the family of four who came politely and ate their food quietly, and left. I remember you. I remember all of you, you assholes. Put that on your Sarah McLachlan hallmark card. (disclaimer: not everyone was an asshole, some people were actually very nice, but one bad customer can dampen the whole experience, and I'm just trying to be funny).

Christmas Eve. I made $30.15 in tips in a 12 hour shift.
Christmas, I made $102 in tips in an 8 hour shift. That came along with new memories of people I can never forget. Merry Christmas to you, too.

Every time I come here, working several feet away from my dad, I'm reminded of all the crap he has to go through and why he goes through it. Rolling these eggrolls is a matter of sacrificial love. That love I receive from my parents is amazing. It really puts me at awe to see how they embrace me and Kelly in terms of providing for us. They love us madly in that regard. I want that if I ever marry someone. I want sacrificial love in him, love overwhelming, love so beautiful, love so abundant that it's almost too profound, too heavy for one person to receive.. love that resembles grace..  (like when Jesus washes his disciples feet; it was disturbing as a matter of fact)

That's why I have a hard time with my parents. They love me so much, sometimes I feel I have become something of an idol. The instinctive collectivist nature to respond to such sacrificial love is painfully conflicting with my desires for my own individuality and independence. Maybe if people treated my parents better despite their low-wage jobs, I'd feel less guilt knowing that they do this for me.

Sometimes I can be exaggerated or overly sensitive, but for my feelings, however fleeting, they are real and passionate to the moment. Working catering these two days brings me great disdain for a future in human services, even a future in ministry. People can be so angry when they're hungry. Putting yourself in less privileged positions opens your eyes to the structure of the roles. Because privilege is blinding, you don't see what your words or actions look like. The greatest tippers, are probably past or current waiters/waitresses. The most inclined to acknowledge a need for Jesus, are probably those who recognize the depth of their sin.

41 “Two people owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii,[c] and the other fifty. 42 Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?”

43 Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt forgiven.”

Luke 7: 41-43

The process of making ourselves less, to see more of Christ in us, so we can be like him, see like him, live like him.

When will I get my s together?

Matt. 28// I want full-time

 Propelled by fear that is accompanied by joy.. or is it just fear itself? There has been something beautiful about fear in the study of matthew. "Do not fear, it is me. Take heart. Do not be afraid." This semester I have been so afraid. Afraid of not meeting my parents' expectations. Afraid of graduating and not knowing where I'll be afterwards. Afraid of loneliness. Afraid of the unknown.

In Matthew 28, there is this beautiful illustration of commanding and responding. Pretty much what happens is, the two Mary's approach the tomb. There is an earthquake, and the sight of this angel terrifies the shit out of these guards.

The angel tells the Mary's, Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus... Come and see the place where he lay. 7 Then go quickly and tell his disciples...” 

8 So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. 

Then Jesus greets them, and says to them "Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me."

The guards had a contrasting response. They also went and told. They told the chief priests and elders, who then tells them to lie and to not be afraid because they would be kept out of trouble. The guards were solely afraid, they had no joy in that news. 

However, because Jesus has all the authority, we, as disciples, are to go and make disciples, to baptize, to teach. 

Go, because you recognize the authority, the identity of the one who commands you. 

Go because you recognize the peace and the truth that comes with the message. 

Go because the natural response of knowing God is to go and tell others, to go and make disciples.

"All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Therefore [you] go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age"