Wasting Away

Yesterday while I was wasting my thoughts on Netflix, I looked through my clothes. Often when I look through my clothes, I notice that there are so many which I've only worn once or only in the fitting room before I bought them. I tried on some clothes that made me feel very feminine in a pastel and nonchalant-kind-of-way. I quickly changed out of it, deciding that I'll wear it to church the next day. This morning as I excitingly got ready for church, I changed into those clothes I picked out, and as I walked past myself in the mirror, I stopped. And, I felt so ugly and disgusted. I found myself repulsive to look at.

Words like, "What are you thinking? Do you think you look good or something? That doesn't suit you, it can't. Why don't you just wear jeans and a t-shirt? What will people think of you?" And just as I was tugging at the hem of my shirt, ready to lift it over, I looked at myself and thought, "How many times, have I thought these thoughts? How many times have I changed out of clothes because I didn't feel good enough? How many more days will my clothes sit untouched, wasting away in its neatly folded stack? my confidence, wasting away in a crumpled soul? my self-worth, wasting away because of my self-shaming?" And I let go of my shirt, grabbed my bag, and walked out.