The thought replaying in my mind that from the very moment I was born, I was a failure in everyone's eyes. No, the moment the doctor said, "It's a girl." I was a failure. The moment my mother realized she was pregnant with me, I was her failure.
Almost every weekend that I was home so far, Kelly has been back and she took me away to places all the time and we barely spent much time at home. I felt guilty for abandoning my parents. Now that she left and I have a day and a half left, to just me and my parents.. there is just endless bickering from the moment I wake to the ever-so-real right now. Bickering. Bickering.
Thoughts.
I asked my mom if she was worried that I've never dated yet. She said yes of course, because every parent wants to see their children fulfill their ultimate mission, having children.
And thoughts.
My dad just asked me if I knew which major I was changing into yet. I said I was staying in social work. He asked what if I wanted to learn something else. I said then I'll learn it if I don't like social work.
Out of the group of us 1st generation kids who grew up together on the same block, my two cousins, my sister, and myself.. I went from being the one who showed questionable to extraordinary potential for success. I never planned past my high school achievements. If I did plan for college, I would have stuck with a sport. I would have taken AP Physics. I would have joined band. I would've taken that summer of math classes to match my peers in their advanced arithmetic. I would have joined theater. I would have applied myself more for AP Chem and I would have gotten a 5 instead of a 4 on the credits exam. I would have been more ambitious. That is all if I planned my idolatry a little bit farther.
Thoughts.
Of everyone in my graduating class in middle school, no one, not a single soul would have guessed that I would fail in life. Of everyone in my high school who knew me, none would've doubted my deserved-ness of being a student there, one of the top in the state and in the country.
My sister who will become a successful physical therapist. My future brother who will do great no matter where he goes as an urban planner. My one cousin who will become a great engineer for some big software company. My other cousin who doubted himself, but still was able to find the greater things in life. He has great potential as well and I know it because he is doing what he enjoys and he is faithful to it. But all those things, have they become their identity? at least in the eyes of the people around them?
And me? I assured my dad by saying, "Daddy, I'm a smart girl. I'm going to do great whatever I choose to learn, even if I learn poop" I said it in a confidence like I had a secret where I could turn poop to gold, but that was just a lie I said in attempt to give him ease.
Thoughts
My mom said she can't enjoy a meal if I'm not home. My mom said if neither my sister or I call her, she would go insane. My mom said she hates home when I'm not there. My mom said no one drinks her soup when I'm not home and life is just so bitter. My mom said she can't sleep well at night unless she knows Kelly and I are home with her.
But mama, what if I told you I can't stay?
Please don't live for me, because I can't promise you life.
The one who gives is also the one who takes away.
Please live for Jesus and forget me.
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