I need prayer. I feel very over-exerted and worn out since the past week. it's been hard to do my best and stay energized. I've been more forgetful, more easily irritated, and just feeling kind of exhausted. I need God's strength, God's wisdom, God's love. I need to draw myself from Him. He needs to be my Source. Then I'll never grow weary or tired or empty. I'm tired, because I've been trying to do all those things myself, without God, as if that were possible.

Hold on Tight

In Carbondale: A normal week is 7hrs of bible study. Two sessions of worship and service. Discipleship.

In Chicago: A normal week, sunday school and service. Two sessions of worship. Friday fellowship.

I come back and I tell people it's been a lot harder to stay in Chicago. I've been telling people that being in Chicago for the break hasn't been really good on my spiritual life, in my attempts to living it out for Jesus. And no one seems to understand what I'm talking about. The difference can't simply compare. The difference is so huge. Not just because of the time commitment. While I get faced with many challenges away from home, I get to witness so much of God's grace and love. Things are not perfect and I am not perfect, but I love the way God has been changing me since I came here.

Once I go back to Chicago, my whole lifestyle changes. It's so good to be back in Carbondale. I love it here so much that I begin to worry about when I have to graduate and when I get out of this loop.When I am away from my brothers and sisters. When I'm pushed into a place where I am uncomfortable and the ground where my faith stands constantly shakes. Will it stand?

But if God calls me to those places where I am out of those physical spiritual resources, where my brothers and sisters are more than a phone call away, where I get uncomfortable, where the ground that my faith stands constantly shakes, then I must go there. God calls me to be His servant. I am so glad, my King loves me. "God doesn't call the qualified; He qualifies the called." I still have so much growing to do. For now, I am so glad I am in this loop, although my body gets weary and my eyes get tired.

This year, I pray for a faithful heart

If my God, who has everything, says He needs me
If my God, who needs nothing, says I am useful
If my God, who is omnipotent, says I am in His will

then by God's great name, I should run to Him. By His great love and mercy and grace, I should cry out. How amazing is the paradox, that my God who is perfect, all powerful, and almighty would say I am useful, I the sinful, faulting, foolish mortal. One out of six billion, and He doesn't even need any of us. How amazing that I am alive, how amazing that everything I see in front of me exists, the soft microfiber blanket, the skinny black lamp, the oscillating Lasko fan, the yellow pillow pet. What amazing grace! And my God says that He needs me! My God says that I am useful! My God says that I am in his will.

My Children's Name

Cella
Tom C.
and
Kason
Conan
if I ever need to go that far

Cloud

My best friend is dying. What can I pray for?  I pray that I'll see him again in heaven, that he'll do his itsy bitsy spider and say T.O.McDonald and pretend that he is Santa with his HEHEHE. And I could make him crab rangoons, hot sour soup, war bar soup, or those sandwich squares. And I can make them sweet and sour chicken, and pork and shrimp.

My best friend, my oldest and dearest friend who met me before I learned to walk, is dying. And I've been given his phone number in the hospital to call him, but I'm afraid. Afraid what my reaction would be. Because I'm not good at comforting people. I'm not good at expressing sympathy and motivation and encouragement. I'd either cry with them or stand and watch.

I don't know what to say to him. It's been so extremely long since I've seen him, maybe 2 or maybe even 3 years. I love them so much, but I'm afraid of the change that all of us have gone through. I'm afraid  to sit with them, at their table like I'd used to and watch them eat. I'm afraid I'd have nothing to say. I'm afraid I'm not cute enough anymore. My best friend is dying and I don't know what to say to him. It'd be a lot easier to not call him, but I know that would be the wrongest choice.

He and Sue were my truest friends. They were more like grandparents. I loved them a lot, but in a distant way where calling them and going out of my way to see them for two hours was bothersome. I feel the same way for my real grandparents. Except I don't think I can cry for my grandparents, not out of bitterness but placidity.

My best friend is dying and he's asking to talk to me and Kelly almost everyday. My best friend is dying and all I can do is talk to him, but I don't know what to say. I'm afraid I'd start crying he second I hear his weakened voice. I'm afraid there'd be no words coming out and I'd make him feel unloved.