Jesus, thank you for taking my shame away. The shame I've felt, the shame I've carried, the shame that I am- Jesus, you took it all away. I am sinful. I am not perfect. I make mistakes everyday. I make so many mistakes. So many mistakes that if not for the freedom granted through Christ, my head should be down for all eternity. My neck would be broken by shame and my eyes would never be lifted up to see the white horse coming. God, thank you for blessing my life with so much love and grace and mercy and humor. I am blessed and even more blessed to be able to recognize my blessed-ness.

Let's live a life worthy of Christ.

Have I

I didn't really consciously want to admit it at first, but some major problems I was dealing with at camp last summer are still problems I need to work on right now. At camp, I struggled a lot with being the authority figure with my cabin each week. I just wanted to be the fun loving one. Then I realized I didn't know how to love my girls through discipline. I couldn't get them to respect me as a leader. I couldn't be the one to impress commands.

After two of my girls got in argument, one of them tried to step on the other girl's fingers. "No! You do not do that." She walked away and talked to another cabin leader.

 "Don't you have any respect for me? Do my words mean nothing to you?" I asked her. But no words. I walked to the other room and cried.

I know she loved me. I know she knew my love, but she wasn't responding to me as authority because I never enforced that idea. No matter who I am paired to work with at camp, the other is always the disciplinary one. My partner is always the leader. I'm the one that babies them and sometimes they listen out of guilt. Week after week my partner always struggle with being the "mean" one and the one "less loved" or sometimes "hated one."

 The same is happening in my apartment. We have a child living with us that I'd say is physically grown up but has the needs and issues as a camper. I did the same again and spoiled the girl with love that isn't Christ's love, it's a servant's love. It wasn't love by grace, it was love by stupidity. She couldn't see the things I did for her as acts of love, but as her well-deserved right.

My last day of campers for the summer, possibly for life. This girl was crying by herself because she didn't get her canteen money back. One of my proudest moments. Possibly my last moment of camper actually.

"Why are you crying? Didn't I tell you that everyone would get their canteen money back?"
    "..but I didn't get mine!"
I got on one knee, to reach her eye-level like we learned in training.
    ..crying..
"K___, have I ever lied to you?"
    "no"
"let's go get it back"

I still want to become an airline pilot.

He goes before me

When he brings out his own sheep, he goes before them; and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice. —John 10:4

Before I even fully grasped how financially unstable I was, God went before me and prepared the way. Before I even realized that by the end of this month I wouldn't have enough to pay for this month's dues (rent, utilities, tuition, gas, food, etc), God made a way, and gave me this random financial need grant. 

I'm not sure how exactly to pay next month's stuff. I better be more wise in using my car and my wallet. God is still awesome. While money is a little iffy... I tithed that grant. While I know my sister might lecture me about how it's not really my money to tithe, but it's my mom's and dad's because they carry the bigger burden of my tuition and living. So true. But that grant money did not belong to me, I didn't earn it or deserve it. I needed it, but I didn't deserve it. All that I have has been given to me by our gracious God. Even my earthly parents were given by Him and I am thankful for them. I am thankful for the love that I've felt from my earthly father, because I know that the love of my heavenly Father is greater than even that, which is already so great.

Praise God for His mercy. Praise God for His love for us. Praise God for His righteous character that makes no sense to be received by us. Praise Him forever and ever. May the offering of the little that I have (in comparison to what He's given) be an act of worship, a testament to His glory. 

We can never out give God.

Mt. Lies

After all that had been done. She said to me, "I don't flush the toilet paper."

God says to me, "Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? ⁷ If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it."
Genesis 4:6

Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.
Psalm 55:22

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