Married to Jesus

Although I've never dated, I would say that my heart has a good history of being fluttery, obsessive, desperate, and just down right crazy sometimes for guys.

At retreat last month, I shared a cabin with high school girls. Naturally, we got on the topic of dating. And honestly, I told them I've never dated and I was the oldest girl camper with them. Which I said with humor and absolutely no shame, until they actually thought that I was hurting or something and they tried to comfort me. "It's ok that you've never dated. God will find you someone." "Don't worry about not finding a boyfriend, Tori. You remember blah blah blah? Well he's like way older than you and he hasn't dated either."

I was disgusted that they thought I was ashamed or sad because I never dated. I suppose that there has been many many times where I questioned myself critically for being single my whole life. But thinking about it now, I am so glad I haven't dated. I know so certainly, that I would have worshiped the guy. It wouldn't matter who it was, because I was so desperate. I wasn't going around flirting with everyone or something, but my heart was easily moved. And while I was in school, I did notice when girls started to date, then there were a couple more, and more and before I knew it, I was one of the very few that never even held hands with a guy before. I am so glad I didn't date. With the list of priorities and thoughts and principles and the gigantic lack of wisdom I had, I know so surely now that it would have went downhill faster than a greased marble, riding on banana peels, down a buttered ramp. God's been totally watching over me even before I knew Him.

Even now, I find myself to be distracted by guys. Definitely not as much. With some thought, I think I should make this commitment with myself and God that dating for the next year will just not even be an option. This way I can stay more focused on my relationship with Jesus. And I'm growing really tired of thinking about guys. Tired about blogging, talking, and thinking about them. I think God's really helped me in taking away a lot of that obsession and worry I had. It was so pathetic and sad. God must have felt hurt for me when he saw me so desperate, so lacking of faith. I think this will be one of the best decisions to make right now. Just, not even think about how that guy thinks about me, or anything bleh like that. I will just think to myself .. dude, I'm not gonna date this year. It's not gonna happen. Married to Jesus right now.

I'm going to hide my facebook relationship status. I know it seems kinda silly, to have to keep it so accurate, but I think it can have effect. If you put out dating or engaged or married, then you know that person is off limits, but if you put single, it suggests.. no, it doesn't suggest, it SAYS 'I'm available for dating'. I'm gonna hide it for me. And it's definitely not like anyone is hounding at my door or anything. Just make a mental note for myself that dating is not what I'm looking for right now and it doesn't concern anyone on Facebook whether or not I'm available.


It's probably going to be a little weird or difficult at first. But I really wish I made this choice a lot earlier.

My heart will only beat for Jesus. Everything I do will be for Him, not for man. Pure mind, good thoughts, peace in my heart.

When You Pray

God will say one of three things:

1. Yes
2. You're not ready yet.
3. I have something even better for you.

Lord, give me a servant heart

Lord, I pray for clean minds and pure souls.

I need prayer. I feel very over-exerted and worn out since the past week. it's been hard to do my best and stay energized. I've been more forgetful, more easily irritated, and just feeling kind of exhausted. I need God's strength, God's wisdom, God's love. I need to draw myself from Him. He needs to be my Source. Then I'll never grow weary or tired or empty. I'm tired, because I've been trying to do all those things myself, without God, as if that were possible.

Hold on Tight

In Carbondale: A normal week is 7hrs of bible study. Two sessions of worship and service. Discipleship.

In Chicago: A normal week, sunday school and service. Two sessions of worship. Friday fellowship.

I come back and I tell people it's been a lot harder to stay in Chicago. I've been telling people that being in Chicago for the break hasn't been really good on my spiritual life, in my attempts to living it out for Jesus. And no one seems to understand what I'm talking about. The difference can't simply compare. The difference is so huge. Not just because of the time commitment. While I get faced with many challenges away from home, I get to witness so much of God's grace and love. Things are not perfect and I am not perfect, but I love the way God has been changing me since I came here.

Once I go back to Chicago, my whole lifestyle changes. It's so good to be back in Carbondale. I love it here so much that I begin to worry about when I have to graduate and when I get out of this loop.When I am away from my brothers and sisters. When I'm pushed into a place where I am uncomfortable and the ground where my faith stands constantly shakes. Will it stand?

But if God calls me to those places where I am out of those physical spiritual resources, where my brothers and sisters are more than a phone call away, where I get uncomfortable, where the ground that my faith stands constantly shakes, then I must go there. God calls me to be His servant. I am so glad, my King loves me. "God doesn't call the qualified; He qualifies the called." I still have so much growing to do. For now, I am so glad I am in this loop, although my body gets weary and my eyes get tired.

This year, I pray for a faithful heart