The reminiscent eggroll

To remind myself of the value of an American dollar, I worked this Christmas Eve and Christmas at one of the only places open during the holidays, a Chinese restaurant. I'm reminded of the summer time when I worked part-time here, and it's the same.. the ugliness brought by the over privileged.

You come in and believe that once you leave, you leave, but no.. I will remember you. I remember the family two years ago who spoke in Spanish, because I understood their conversation and what they said about me. I remember the blonde family that came in and held hands to pray before eating. I remember the family of four who came politely and ate their food quietly, and left. I remember you. I remember all of you, you assholes. Put that on your Sarah McLachlan hallmark card. (disclaimer: not everyone was an asshole, some people were actually very nice, but one bad customer can dampen the whole experience, and I'm just trying to be funny).

Christmas Eve. I made $30.15 in tips in a 12 hour shift.
Christmas, I made $102 in tips in an 8 hour shift. That came along with new memories of people I can never forget. Merry Christmas to you, too.

Every time I come here, working several feet away from my dad, I'm reminded of all the crap he has to go through and why he goes through it. Rolling these eggrolls is a matter of sacrificial love. That love I receive from my parents is amazing. It really puts me at awe to see how they embrace me and Kelly in terms of providing for us. They love us madly in that regard. I want that if I ever marry someone. I want sacrificial love in him, love overwhelming, love so beautiful, love so abundant that it's almost too profound, too heavy for one person to receive.. love that resembles grace..  (like when Jesus washes his disciples feet; it was disturbing as a matter of fact)

That's why I have a hard time with my parents. They love me so much, sometimes I feel I have become something of an idol. The instinctive collectivist nature to respond to such sacrificial love is painfully conflicting with my desires for my own individuality and independence. Maybe if people treated my parents better despite their low-wage jobs, I'd feel less guilt knowing that they do this for me.

Sometimes I can be exaggerated or overly sensitive, but for my feelings, however fleeting, they are real and passionate to the moment. Working catering these two days brings me great disdain for a future in human services, even a future in ministry. People can be so angry when they're hungry. Putting yourself in less privileged positions opens your eyes to the structure of the roles. Because privilege is blinding, you don't see what your words or actions look like. The greatest tippers, are probably past or current waiters/waitresses. The most inclined to acknowledge a need for Jesus, are probably those who recognize the depth of their sin.

41 “Two people owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii,[c] and the other fifty. 42 Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?”

43 Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt forgiven.”

Luke 7: 41-43

The process of making ourselves less, to see more of Christ in us, so we can be like him, see like him, live like him.

When will I get my s together?

Matt. 28// I want full-time

 Propelled by fear that is accompanied by joy.. or is it just fear itself? There has been something beautiful about fear in the study of matthew. "Do not fear, it is me. Take heart. Do not be afraid." This semester I have been so afraid. Afraid of not meeting my parents' expectations. Afraid of graduating and not knowing where I'll be afterwards. Afraid of loneliness. Afraid of the unknown.

In Matthew 28, there is this beautiful illustration of commanding and responding. Pretty much what happens is, the two Mary's approach the tomb. There is an earthquake, and the sight of this angel terrifies the shit out of these guards.

The angel tells the Mary's, Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus... Come and see the place where he lay. 7 Then go quickly and tell his disciples...” 

8 So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. 

Then Jesus greets them, and says to them "Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me."

The guards had a contrasting response. They also went and told. They told the chief priests and elders, who then tells them to lie and to not be afraid because they would be kept out of trouble. The guards were solely afraid, they had no joy in that news. 

However, because Jesus has all the authority, we, as disciples, are to go and make disciples, to baptize, to teach. 

Go, because you recognize the authority, the identity of the one who commands you. 

Go because you recognize the peace and the truth that comes with the message. 

Go because the natural response of knowing God is to go and tell others, to go and make disciples.

"All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Therefore [you] go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age"

I have a nightmare too

I have anxiety problems. I am overly emotional and face life with my heart glued to my forehead. It guides me. It consumes me. It is demanding and unable to be silenced.

Sometimes the world feels like it's too much, too dark, too painful. I have been seeking counseling to help unravel my misery, my anxiety, my thoughts.. to get to the root, to find the pattern, to break the cycle.

From my infantile state, poison was spoken into my life.
They hate us because you're not a boy. 
They look down on us because of you and where your mom is from. 
They will never love your mom or you. 
Why are you so stupid? 
Why do you bother to go to school when you're just so useless?

Sometimes life feels like a nightmare, like an endless track of horror on replay. What is going on? When will it end? When will it stop? When will I be whole?
Slowly, Victoria. The answer is 'slowly.'
I have been in this cycle for 21 years. The answer is slowly. I can't go home. My nightmare is still playing. It wants to eat me alive. It wants my soul. If I don't wake up, it will have it.

Ripping

What sin did I commit to feel as torn as I feel? What treachery were of my words to be looked at with such contempt? What cause do I have to have such a wretched heart so ugly and displeasing, that in my seeking to please my Father would bring shame to my family? What the freak?

A place to rest my head

My heart is heavy, my head is light. God, where are you? God, where are you? God, where are you?

To the One who refreshes my soul

Hear my heart and its weariness. I offer up my praises and worries as offering to you, the one I trust with my entire life. I am a dumb sheep, vulnerable to traps, deception, and despair. Yet, you found me and kept me in your sights, so I will follow your precepts forever.