Visit from an Old Friend

It's been a while since I saw my old friend. Not much has changed, but at the same time, a lot has. I had almost forgotten. It's been a while. You've seen me back in old routines. You've seen me back, cornered in the same place. You've seen me back, alone and sad. It's been a while since I saw my old friend. Although my body tires, my soul can't find rest. Old friend, how long is your stay, or are you just passing by?

God, my God. Abba, my Abba. Lord, my Lord. My old friend is back, and she is not my friend.

Under the Sun and the Stars

D: Tori, can you please be quiet for a moment and listen to me? Can you please stay out of the sun?
T: No, I can't. lol
D: What about when you get a boyfriend? Don't you want people to like you?
Change topic...

T:If a boy says to me, "Tori, I'd like you if only you were more white color" he would be an asshole. Is that really what you want for me?
D: That's the truth.
T:Asian Americans are different. We don't think like that
D: No. Everyone does. Don't you get upset when people call you Filipino?
T:Of course I get upset. I get angry not because being Filipino is bad but because Chinese people look down on Filipino's. Just like if people discriminate against black people or Chinese people.. It's not something that we can help. I can't stop being Chinese for them. I can't change that for anyone.

Where you are is where I want to be

Lord, if you say to me, 'Come back to Chicago.' I will come back.
Lord, if you say to me, 'Go to ISU.' I will go to ISU.
Lord, if you say to me, 'Go to ---- Community College.' I will go to ---- Community College.
Lord, if you say to me, 'Stay at Carbondale.' I will stay at Carbondale.

Lord, where you are is where I want to be. Because when I am with you, I am complete, and I lack nothing. Even if it is at your feet, I long for that place. There is no other place like where you are.

God, why are you so good to me?

I like sleeping with a notebook and pen by my side.

'Maybe I can catch one'

Life-yolk

Sometimes life feels unbearably heavy. Heavy, like someone sitting over your chest. Heavy enough to break.

My shepherd takes my hand, and he says to me:

"Come to me, you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soul. For my yoke is easy and my  burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

Puppy Love: Rant

I never realized how wonderful singleness is.. Yeah, I have my bouts of melodrama, but right now I am so thankful that I have been single. The temptations and risks are in a whole new realm once you're in a relationship.. and I was always living on my own cloud, in my own fantasy world. I literally lived my own fantasy world, role playing online (super vulnerable and embarrassing to share this). Every person I liked/crushed on, I thought I loved them. I thought it was meant to be. I thought it would be forever. If anything like a relationship would've happened for me, I promise you, I would have broken all the boundaries, I would have gone on a totally different track. (Even if that happened, I know there is still healing and life in Jesus, but for sure my story and the areas where I feel broken/far from God would be different.. not less, not more, just different).

 I see online, a 17-year-old posting about her devout love for her beloved. I did some FB stalking on the guy, and I see that he has recently been unemployed from McDonald's, his profile picture is a bathroom selfie, his nick name is 'Puppy Love,' and he is 22 years-old (almost 23). Selfies are fine. Puppies are great. Working at a fast food place is cool, too, but something about this collective picture just makes me feel uneasy.. maybe even queasy.

What the hell are you doing with a high-school student, man? This girl has been professing her love on the internet for this guy. It's quite the poetry, but a part of me dies a little.. because she is so over her head for this guy who isn't really as prince-charming as she describes him to be.. I die on the inside, more so, because I know I was there. I was there when I was 17. Shoot, I was there a few months ago. Well not quite in the same way.. but it's scary. When 'love' or 'hormones' or just plain sexual desire blinds you from reality, from common sense, from keeping your integrity and dignity. BLEH. 

It's like this spell or this deep sleep that no one can wake you up from, and you don't realize what deep sh*t you've been in until you're out of it. It's like you're trapped in a glass box, only you can leave from the inside. Everyone's tellin' you to get the hell out of there. It's not good for you to be in there. It's not safe for you to be in that place.. but you think it's great, you think it's protecting you even.

But the whole while, Jesus is there waiting.. waiting for you to notice him, waiting so you can see what true love really is.